London, 26 11 2023

I arrived at 9:30 back in the East End, greeted by the gritty streets, grubby people and bleak weather.

The flat smelled, like I had feared, of dampness, smoke and rot.

I settled in, unpacked and took a shower. Meanwhile Topo came home and called for me. I wanted to get clean and dressed first.

Later we went to the kitchen and had a big fight. Like screaming, and him shouting “fuck you you narcissist” kinda fight. I was  not screaming. I was calm outside, but shaking inside. We almost broke up, I felt.

I went to bed, him later. We woke up cuddling and had make up sex. No word about yesterday.

A gray day, foggy outside, and fogged up the windows of our flat. Fucked up the feeling inside. I finally used the heaters, and had set the timer for occasional warmth. We went to Stratford, and it got dark at 4. Idle cooking and home time. I am reading Marlene Dietrich’s biography now, it is captivating and the first book in ages that really fascinates me. I kinda stopped in the middle of my other reading quest, “Rationality”. It just got too mathematical, statistical, full of calculations and formulas. Or I am not that rational, after all.

I still got the headache, so I kept taking panadol like candy. It is probably pressure, emotional kind and the one from my new teeth. Or am I just a hopeless hypochondriac like Sharon Karen Streslzecki?

Bleak. Winter is here, I am hating it passionately. Tomorrow maybe I will set up my working and living space in “the good room”, the bedroom. It is bigger, brighter, whiter. If I can get a small desk, I can work there, and feel less caved in.

As soon as the bloody headache dissipates, I wanna pick up my workout again. Something that keeps me afloat.

I miss the light flooded, wooden floored and high ceiling flats of Budapest and Vienna. Why is England so dreadful?