Tag: writing

Walked into Fall

Apr 14, 2025

London, 19 09 2023

We arrived back in London on Sunday night, after 80 km of hiking, paradise, open skies, villages and sun. There was some rain in St. Ives at the end but the entire journey was amazing. I loved the heather covered cliffs, the seals basking on the beach, the flowers, bumble bees and stone cottages. Food, air, fresh and clean. We hiked a lot, only one small fight, I stepped down from my high horse to be less judgemental.

We took the shrooms, but it was not a trip, only a light breeze of feeling, floating on the beach, but the rain drenched us and made us go back to our castle. I loved the gardens, tropical feeling with giant leaves and palm trees. Sweet tea ladies calling us “little darlings” and the simplicity of only walking, sleeping and eating.

Back to London, down in to the underground, a lot of intimidating faces and people acting weird. No more sweetness, only struggling to stay afloat.

The rain came with us, and the first day in our flat was laying heavy on my mood. I had to get out, take a walk and feel the sky expanding above my head again.

More work to do, trying to put more effort, scared I may be unneeded or redundant at some point. Trying to make myself seen in the company, and in need of some validation for myself.

Another tiff this morning, I just wanted the kitchen to be clean, but it turned into a discussion about appreciation of things that he thinks I don’t see. I am nagging, I am tense, I say things at the wrong time and in the wrong tone. Defending himself like a child, and pulling out receipts from many months ago. About the time when I refused to try to fit the armchair through the bedroom door, but in the end we did and it fit. What does it have to do with me asking him to wipe away the coffee from the counter?

I went to the co-working space, not out of spite or to avoid the situation, but because I needed to get a change of scenery, and Quay had asked me to come yesterday. It is so spacious and lively at SOHO works. We have nice talks, although not very in- depth, and he is busy with work and going to places and waxing.

I stayed here, enjoying the quiet, the non-confrontational environment. Free flow coffee, caffeine spike, soon mary jane high.

I used the time to work and to write, to give him some space and to cool down the frontiers. Hope he is not mad all the time, or does things out of spite like clean up everything like a freak and call me out if I make any small mistake myself. Pettiness is what I hate most, it is the ugly face of not knowing what else to do in confrontation with critique and feeling exposed.

One more week and his new job starts, a new routine, time for me.

He doesn’t want me to control him, to observe everything he does, yet he can’t take care of things himself, never decides what to eat, goes grocery shopping or cleans the bath.

Enough of this shit, I don’t want to waste my thoughts anymore. I got shit to do myself, people to care for. Aluna is pregnant, she told me yesterday! What happy news, big change in their life, and my reaction should be bold. I tried to not talk about myself this time, not too much.

I felt much better down at the coast, walking and feeling connected to nature. As soon as I was back to the flat, the dampness, the clutter, the dying plants on the roof. I felt a dark cloud creeping over me, darkening the sky and my mood.

I have problems living together, that one is clear, I don’t know what to do about it, full of fear

that if I don’t have it my way, if I stay,

will disappoint my future, the movie I am directing won’t go my way.

But I don’t want to rush, be headless and cruel. To say it with the words of Oprah,

When you don’t know what to do, do nothing. Be still.

Here is something I wrote yesterday when I caught some sunlight in Gilbert’s Slade.

Cinnamon swirl

I’m happy

Only on the run

Travelling

Moving

Walking a new path

Finding a place under the sun

As soon as I should

Grow roots and settle down

I seek another adventure

Visit another town

Alone

I smile

When I am on the road

Leaving every day anew

The frown appears

When I touch down

My domicile is called bad mood

The last time

I was happy and content

Was walking along the coast

Where every step meant

Leaving the past behind

Curious of what I’d find

Orazio Overton
Highking

Mar 20, 2025

London, 27 08 2023

My new favorite pastime is highking. I roll a spliff, pack my bag, and head toward the northeastern end of London. I venture into the forest, find a sheltering oak tree to take a hit, and then lose myself off the beaten paths, cross-country. It can be intense and even intimidating (like when you face a seemingly angry cow), but mostly, it feels like a mix between a fairytale and an out-of-body experience—floating within nature.

Yesterday was one of those experiences as I explored Hainault Forest. I wanted to use the open mind, tranquility, and solitude to peel back some layers and get closer to my core.

I think I managed to cut through the layer of avoidance—the avoidance of seeing myself and my truth beneath it. Deep inside, I can sense a core, a center of truth, the “DNA” of my existence. But it’s still surrounded by other layers, blocking its light. Guilt, doubt, childhood trauma, expectation, and responsibility press tightly against it, making it dull and trapped, causing both mental and physical pain.

These layers are complex and interwoven, with no clear map to navigate them, untangle them, or dissolve them. So I wonder—could a special “medicine” from Mother Nature help me cut through these layers? Or at least help me make sense of them, shedding them one by one, until my core truth finally shines through?

Maybe that day is near.

Today is also the last sunset after 8 PM before autumn approaches with heavy steps. He already made his presence known, covering the hiking paths with rusty brown chestnut leaves.

I hope I can find some beauty in this melancholic, transitioning season of my life.

xoxo
Controlled hallucinations

Jan 10, 2025

Train to Gatwick, 12 07 2023

It’s 3:40am and I’m on a packed train heading to Gatwick to catch my 6am flight to Malta!

I had a short and rough night, somehow couldn’t sleep, overworked and checked everything when I had to leave the flat. It’s gonna be fine…

These days I’m a bit moody, one day good, another bored and desperate.

Sunday was Lana Del Rey in Hyde park! I went with John and we ate a cookie.

The crowd was so different to the one from Pink earlier. Lots of girls in white dresses, or slutty cowgirl outfits, super feminine with bows and luscious hair. The guys were twinkly gay Gen Zers with romantic haircuts and the rest were parents!

And they screamed from the top of their lungs when the elusive chanteuse appeared on stage finally at 9pm.

They sang EVERY word to every song, to a point where I could not hear the singer.

It was so good though, the mood, the aesthetic, she’s cute and awkward. She got a bit too stoned though because I zoned out a few times.

The next day I had to find my way back to work, and actually had a lot to do. Meanwhile I discovered chatGBT and let it write a press release to promote our company anniversary, and it nailed it! I sent it to Tin Hau, but no response yet. I also stayed sober on Monday and did an intense roof workout, suddenly feeling lots of energy.

Later I started a bit of dirty talk on WhatsApp with Topo, and seems we were both horny, as we ended up sending each other hot clips that vanished immediately but left a good feeling behind .

So that was good. We felt we wanted each other and would like to hang out.

Tuesday was different then, he barely texted me and somehow I am stupid enough to feel some sort of jealousy of one of his cast mates, who went hiking with him on Sunday and is gay. Pictures in my head and jumping to conclusions kicked in.

Anyway I try to let it go now and hope that he is the same obsessive monogamous freak as me and was not inspired for our sexting by some other hot dude.

Back to here and now. It was hard to pack all my cute fits into one mini hand luggage, and to my disappointment I can only bring the shoes I’m wearing.

It’s only 4 days tho … Margiela will meet me at a Café near her place and seems to be happy about my visit. Btw I also sent some clothes there for a photo shoot which have not arrived yet.

Sunday I’ll be back and Monday I’m going to Burlington.

So it’s time to enjoy a few days of my Mediterranean dream, in cute shirts, at breezy beaches and charming cafes. After all, travelling is my biggest pleasure.

And the controlled hallucinations is this experience, that gives me certain feelings, but not inherently being nice or good. It’s my mind stretching out to the world and making it what is the most useful for me.

I should apply the same theory to the jealousy story – it’s only a mind construct and actually not serving me a purpose other than hurt.

Time to move on. See you in Sliema!
Poppies & Hobbies

Nov 5, 2024

It is still hot and dry in London. There was one tiny thunderstorm in the last two weeks, but other than that, it’s dry as a bone. The parks start turning brown again like a prairie. I also got quite dark by sunbathing on the roof on every occasion, without sunscreen! It just feels so good to melt under the heavy sun and just give in to the sizzling, dazing weight of the sun rays. This week I went biking once, and while riding through Haggerston Park, I just laid down in the grass, shirt off, and soaked up the sun. I was a bit stoned and felt even heavier than usual. As if I was sinking into the grass below me, turning one with the earth.

Basically I have been smoking weed daily this month, I can’t even remember when I last skipped a day. It feels good but also the magic has worn off a bit and now it becomes like a normal state. Hmmm.. Kinda like in our relationship. We are not excited anymore, not curious and fascinated by each other. More like expecting the next move, being disappointed when we were wrong and being aggravated when we are right. We feel a bit distant these days, from both sides, but nothing particularly happened. Sometimes I wonder if there is something that he is disappointed about in me, something that annoyed him or if I was neglecting or offensive. But maybe it is just like with Mary Jane, after the XXth time we are just not floating on cloud 9 anymore after a puff, not even cloud 5.

I catch myself making conversation out of pressure courteously. Like asking about work, staying attentive and giving at least some kind of feedback. But after we exchanged the schedules of unimpressive events of our days, there is not much left to say. It comes down to thinking about what to eat next, me cooking, sitting in the kitchen and deciding whether or not to watch something that night. Often he just lays at the sofa like an upside down frog and smiles at his phone, or we fall into some youtube hole that I opened and spiral into the oblivion of brainmatter depreciating content. All in all, not exciting or even satisfying.

I had some moments where I seduced him by just showing up after the shower and starting to make out, and we did have sex after. But it was always my initiative, and in between there is zero sexual tension, at least from him.

So the first euphoria of summertime and more light, more fun, more life, has started to ebb off, too, just like relationships and drugs. I catch myself being lethargic and moody again, even on the sunniest day, wearing the tiniest outfits and basking in the sun. Nothing is wrong, nothing feels right.

We are planning to travel to Europe in August, that should at least excite me, right?

The other day I was cycling or walking again, somewhere in Bow, and caught myself trying to get a glimpse of people’s homes by lurking into their windows. I am so fascinated with other people’s lives, what they do, how their homes look, what their hobbies may be. Where they head to when leaving their front door or who may be waiting for them at home. I would like to be invited, take a dip into their life, see more different ways of living. See more houses, talk more, or just hang out. Seems I am bored.

After all, I just realized I have a hobby, too. I like the rooftop garden a lot, spend every day there and watch my seedlings grow. The poppies I sowed last year are almost ready to harvest. The flowers I planted are in full bloom. Summer 2023 is here.

PS I bought tickets to See Pink and Gwen Stefani tomorrow at the Summer Carnival in Hyde Park. 140 pounds each. But I was craving for a thrill, entertainment, and people. Hope it’s worth it. Topo is going along but shows absolutely no excitement or interest in the event whatsoever. I brought him to a lot of shows already, and always paid for tickets. I wonder if he appreciates it, or thinks he’s doing me a favor by attending with me. In the end, I am the one who wants him to be there. Let’s see how tomorrow goes and if it is the last time I do so.

Btw I bought a (one) ticket to Wonderfruit in Thailand in December. OOps

There! I got another hobby! Going to shows and concerts and festivals! And traveling, another one! Whoop Whoop so busy lol.

London, 24 6 2023
Spontaneity

Nov 5, 2024

It still hasn’t rained in weeks. Well it rained once but that barely wetted the soil. It’s dry like in southern Europe here in the UK, and warm, finally since last week. I even got quite a tan from roasting on the rooftop a couple of times during this “work” week. It just feels so good! The heat on the skin, the relief when you feel a light breeze soothing it, the lethargy and heaviness it puts upon you, and the beautiful bronze tone that my skin has afterwards. I am a summer child at heart.

I also did more fun and spontaneous things lately, like riding the bike in the sunset, going to pubs or just grabbing take out. I just wanted to break out of the routine and feel more free and careless, it’s Summer after all! The summer has almost reached the peak already, with the nearing Summer solstice, and I already get fomo when I don’t spend every sunny minute or warm night outside, exploring.

Just like in my childhood, when all you wanted to do and did is soaking up every minute of this wonderful time of the year!

Today I went to Guillermo to take some pics of him in my swimwear for the website. We chilled in their beautiful garden and caught up on things, then did the sexy photoshoot and talked more about our relationships, dating, future planning and sex drive. I felt for the first time Guillermo had opened up and trusted me a bit more, also since we were alone and had time for it.

After an Aperol spritz and a few puffs of weed, I headed to Shoreditch to join my favorite teacher’s pilates class. Rach Lopez is the best instructor I ever had!

London, 16 6 2023
Dry spell

Oct 30, 2024

I just thought about writing and realized that it can be pretty dull or even tedious to just write about events and activities like in a log book. What is much more freeing for myself, and a way to release my feelings, is to truly write about THEM. What I feel, see, experience, think. Well I do that most of the time but I caught myself feeling obliged to detail every aspect of the day when there was a special occasion. Anyway, just do it.

Today was the first really warm day in England this year. Mind it is almost mid June and the daylight lasts till 10pm. But finally I could wear shorts, a tanktop and walk through the sunny streets listening to electro pop and Lana Del Rey. I was alone most of the day, finished work and felt tired, yet restless. The allergy made me really sleepy and lacking energy, but I had booked pilates and needed to head to Shoreditch. The streets are back to life, and a crazy mix of people is flocking outside to feel the summer. I feel the change of season and arrival of warm evenings, too. I am more spontaneous and a tiny bit more carefree than usual. I long for a reckless absorption of summer days and even more so, nights. I have a distant memory of the hot evenings in Vienna in August, and the sweet idle lethargy I felt there, despite being in emotionally difficult situations and also not having money.

Now I feel such emotions under the surface, ready to come out and manifest. Something like walking out at night, just to see what people are doing and if they are interesting. Having wine till midnight and hanging out on the roof. Eating ice cream every day and biking high through the quiet streets and neighborhoods. I am over 30 but that doesn’t stop me from feeling like a teenager coming of age.

It is harder to connect to it nowadays, though. What is it? After pilates, which turned out to be barre, I spontaneously bought a protein shake, and spontaneously walked to Brick Lane instead of home. I browsed the vintage stores for something “yellow” to update my summer wardrobe. But there was nothing to find. I didn’t get the usual emotion, and even Lana did not trigger me. Only the pollen did. I was sneezing non stop and felt the hay fever flare up like it was 1996.

I still spontaneously bought myself a salmon sandwich at Pret, but instead of eating it out on the streets, I felt the urge to come back home, to be ready, to organize myself and await Bo back home. So there was something that hindered that free falling feel of summer. A relationship. And it is not even the partner’s fault. I put it upon myself to become a domestic clockwork. To feel obliged to be at home before he does. To wait with eating until we are together.

I just noticed that it is a similar behavior as back then in Vienna with Giorgo. I never stayed out to cruise with friends or just float then either, always feeling an urge to be home by 7 the latest.

But what would be a healthy way out of this codependence? Maybe bit by bit reclaiming that freedom, like I did with my traveling habits? At first afraid to ask, then guilty to go, but now just booking first and then waving goodbye? Or do I have to talk about it and make a statement? I am just always afraid to cause some harm. Like the other day (yesterday) when Topo held my hand the entire time when we were going for a walk, to the supermarket etc.. and I just wanted to move around freely. Eventually I said I want my hand back, without any emotional attachment. He did not object or respond weirdly, but he walked around 2m from me for a while and his words got more sparse.

I actually did it again. The traveling part I mean. I re-booked the failed flight to Berlin to see Vitali in exchange for Malta! I’m gonna visit Margiela there in July, as she mentioned I could stay with her. I love it!! And who knows – maybe the carefree, light, exciting summer feel returns there, in the heat of the Mediterranean Sea…

London, 10 6 2023

Tag: writing

Walked into Fall

Highking

Controlled hallucinations

Poppies & Hobbies

Spontaneity

Dry spell