Tag: realization

Sober

Apr 16, 2025

London, 2 10 2023

We buried the hatched yesterday morning, after me sleeping on the couch and sitting in the kitchen silently.

He said sorry, for what he said, and I assume he meant for calling me a narcissist. He said we both did nothing majorly wrong. I think we did. And he confessed he feels insecure because I had suggested four times that I needed a break previously. I wanted to answer, to say yes, I am not giving you security because I am so damn unsure myself. But I paused for too long, and he headed out for a cigarette, and eventually for dance class.

I put on my hiking shoes again, rolled a spliff and headed to the east. Three hours later I returned home from another highking odyssey through the fields of Wanstead Park. I had smoked a lot to numb myself, to forget, to float away, but actually just got caught in a loop of “fuck, I don’t know what to do now” thoughts, spiralling. Eventually I just wanted to go home and sleep, so I passed out in the afternoon.

Topo cooked in the evening and I felt he wanted me to be part of it. We cooked and just started talking, normal topics, nothing intimate. It felt like an effort to paper over the cracks and mend things. I felt at ease, as the pain of conflict and a further escalation was lifted off of us, but at the same time I asked myself if I was just going the easy way, avoiding the unavoidable for another day of superficial peace.

Will I be disappointed about my lack of honesty and bravery when I recall this fight a few weeks from now? Will I wish I had left? Or will I slip back into the seeming comfort of a home, a partner, a routine, with no big drama to disturb the status quo?

I think it is time to stop wandering, walking away, further into the forest. As I always take the train back to ‘home’, walk up the stairs, and curl up on the sofa feeling lost.

I can hide in the woods for a few hours, forget my problems, smoke them away and pretend I can talk to the trees. But I have to activate my sound reasoning, and take actions for my future self. Because he won’t be happy looking back at this time and the way I let myself go.

Thinking of Oprah’s quote again, about staying still and waiting, when you don’t know what to do. Is it that case now, is it better to wait for things to take their own course? Or do I actually know what to do and am not brave enough to say it?

Today is public holiday in Hong Kong, so I barely work. Having this whole day to myself, I am just bumming around, watching leftists debate with conservatives on facebook reels, and feeling sorry for myself.

At least I got up to write now, and seeing my own words on the screen makes me act and at least do something.

Not hiking today. I should go to a very “London” place to feel what it is like here. And take care of my stuff, don’t let myself down.

Nothing else to report, it’s October, gray skies, two weeks to Madonna’s show, and no idea where I’m gonna be this winter.
Highking

Mar 20, 2025

London, 27 08 2023

My new favorite pastime is highking. I roll a spliff, pack my bag, and head toward the northeastern end of London. I venture into the forest, find a sheltering oak tree to take a hit, and then lose myself off the beaten paths, cross-country. It can be intense and even intimidating (like when you face a seemingly angry cow), but mostly, it feels like a mix between a fairytale and an out-of-body experience—floating within nature.

Yesterday was one of those experiences as I explored Hainault Forest. I wanted to use the open mind, tranquility, and solitude to peel back some layers and get closer to my core.

I think I managed to cut through the layer of avoidance—the avoidance of seeing myself and my truth beneath it. Deep inside, I can sense a core, a center of truth, the “DNA” of my existence. But it’s still surrounded by other layers, blocking its light. Guilt, doubt, childhood trauma, expectation, and responsibility press tightly against it, making it dull and trapped, causing both mental and physical pain.

These layers are complex and interwoven, with no clear map to navigate them, untangle them, or dissolve them. So I wonder—could a special “medicine” from Mother Nature help me cut through these layers? Or at least help me make sense of them, shedding them one by one, until my core truth finally shines through?

Maybe that day is near.

Today is also the last sunset after 8 PM before autumn approaches with heavy steps. He already made his presence known, covering the hiking paths with rusty brown chestnut leaves.

I hope I can find some beauty in this melancholic, transitioning season of my life.

xoxo
You can get the boy out of the countryside but not the countryside out of the boy

Mar 20, 2025

Essex, 20 08 2023

Two weeks have passed since our big fight, and we did not have a talk or reconciliation afterwards. I wanted to give him a chance to say what he wanted to say, but at one point it had fizzled out and we had no more words for what happened, only awkwardly walking on eggshells or on broken glass.

I fled into my comfort zone of Tower Hamlet Cemetery park, usually with a glass pipe, and also pushed my body to the limit by joining all kinds of fitness classes. I’m ripped!

Moreover, I went to church. Like literally. One Sunday morning I was up on the roof and heard church bells, I heard my calling. Just kidding, I just remembered that I wanted to join a mass in St. Peters church as it looked cute so I spontaneously went there. To my disappointment the main church was closed because of “asbestos” from roof damage, so the small congregation gathered in a white party marquee outside. I was quickly grabbed and introduced to the members by the quirky priest (“a vicar with a bible – so cliché”). I had a quick chat afterwards and the people were interesting, from actors to social worker in Afghanistan there was a bit of everything.

I never went back since.

But I also resumed my practice at the London Buddhist Centre the following Tuesday, and out of reluctance to go back home, I signed up for voluntary cleaning.

A cute black twink saw me staying behind and also joined, later chatting with me and exchanging numbers. He wanted to show me his coworking space in Shoreditch. I never texted him, but of course bumped into him in front of Tesco, high and looking crazy (me…)

I ventured more out into nature, last week just abandoning work and heading to Epping forest, where I threw myself into an Odyssey of hiking, smoking, bushwhacking and hiding from hunters. It was amazing.

I returned home exhausted and had to nap, but I took with me a feeling of accomplishment and freedom.

Yesterday I biked all the way to Essex and explored the River Lea.

The only place that gives me joy at the moment is nature, sunshine, music, getting lost in dreams and feelings. We have not fought since then, but also live quite next to each other. Topo had a lot of rehearsals, so I was happy to be alone at home most of the days. This weekend we got friendlier and had a picnic at All Points East in Victoria Park, where we saw the concert for free beyond the fences.

He is quite sweet but I have a hard time reciprocating the feeling, I am moody or just absent and robotic.

Today we got a message from our herbalist and he suddenly offered shrooms. We bought four grams and started thinking when was the best time and place to experience. I am quite curious, but I have to be in a better state of mind than these days. Also I want to prepare a manifesto, a list of things I want to address and work on with the help of this nature spirit.

I don’t wanna stumble into it, I want to be elevated. So I think it may have come at a right time now, not searching for it, but just accepting it. And so I hope we can find out and accept whatever we discover when the day has come.

Meanwhile we have to plan our Europe trip in mid September, but it seems harder than I thought, as hotel prices are crazy, from Vienna to Lisbon. I thought about going to Portugal but the hotels we can get with the voucher suck and even Airbnb is super pricey.

Also lacking motivation to do the tedious planning, that normally makes me feel excited and energetic.

Tomorrow I have to try to stay focused and figure out how to make the online store at work make some revenue, or my whole existence as a “digital nomad” is questioned. Besides the fact that the HK tax authorities are starting to ask questions about my country of tax residency, and not being able to open a bank account here, the entry point at the border is always a bit of a thrill. Will the gate open?

Anyway, I was just watching a lame movie about a guy running away into the wild. Sounds romantic but he was kinda dumb. He burned his money….

I will do it better.
Summer Blues

Nov 11, 2024

P!nk on Sunday in Hyde Park was amazing. She did all the hits and 3 cirque du soleil-esque stunts. When she did the aerial to Turbulence I cried so hard! It may have also been the cookie we ate that made the flow flow, but I was just too touched to have this experience, at sunset with 70,000 people!

Gwen Stefani, opening the show with a 1h set was euphoric, too, especially seeing her for the first time!

We had a great day in the heat of the park and I could indulge in my favorite pastime, fangirling my adored pop divas and getting lost in the music!

But the coming down on Monday was less like a glance through pink tinted glasses, and more a gray reality check. Somehow I was moody and cranky the whole week since, blaming it on the lack of sunshine. But still, it is summer, warm and I have plenty of free time… I felt empty and meaningless. What’s wrong with me? Now I can’t blame it on the dreadful winter, or the location or the dripping roof. It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me. When I took a stroll outside today to get fresh air and stop myself from watching addictive but trashy YouTube shorts, I lost the excitement about seeing the neighborhood or exploring something new. It all felt same same, and the people I encountered along the way had something weird or creepy about them. I couldn’t even find something to eat outside, so I ended up going home for a late lunch.

I realized that even back in Hong Kong during my last visit, I had this inertia and lack of motivation or purpose, even walking through my beloved old neighborhood. So was it not all about London in the end?

I really think I have to start working on my inner fitness, aka mental health and depression, again.

Last week I could not fall asleep for a few nights, when Topo already had passed out around 11. So I opened my Coronicles diary and read for like two hours.

It was astonishing that, even not that long ago, my mind was in a totally different space. And I was, somehow,…. cooler.

I was also not the happiest, and struggled through lock down, boredom and long distance. But what I wrote back then was more enlightened and smart than what I feel right now. I even had written down some meditation realizations that I could not even decipher here and now. Maybe I am just not reading and meditating enough? Or I am slowly frying my brain by the regular weed consumption? At least the last three days I felt like that, I could not even focus my attention and remember what I wanted to do a minute ago. I was trying to stay abstinent from MJ for a couple of days, and it felt like cold turkey. OK that’s a bit dramatic but emotionally I was a bit low.

So finally today I gave in and lit up the bong after my work and chores were done, and I could wash my hair with stinky fermented rice water and massage black castor oil in. I’ve been doing this ritual every hair wash now, trying to speed up my growth and promote thickness and fight grays.

I want my long hair back but I don’t have the patience. Every day I change my mind a few times between a full mane of curls like its 2021, or going back to hipster millennial twink side-fade-top-curly hair. Yesterday, the night before Topo left for Derbyshire today, we talked about our hair for an hour after midnight. lol.

We were fine these days, and he called me already from his room in the northern smalltown, where his first musical in the UK will premiere next week.

I feel ambivalent about it, thought I would enjoy the lonesomeness a bit more than I do. I didn’t really know what to do with myself today. But I think I will use this month quite well. To watch my guilty pleasure shows. To work out more. To write more diary entries and read more book(s). To drink wine and philosophize on the roof. To reconnect with myself.

Starting right now…

London, 28 6 2023
Bend and Break (or Snap)

Jul 1, 2024

London, 26 March 2023

Early March, we celebrated our two-year anniversary since our first date. I booked a high tea and brought flowers. Topo didn’t seem to remember; at least he didn’t make any gesture until I put a photo of us with a text next to the flowers. He said, “Yeah, it’s two years already,” as if he had remembered, but it was clear he had not.

Either way, the outcome was disappointing: if he remembered like he pretended, it was sad that he made no effort despite that. And if he had forgotten the date, then he forgot an important day.

Anyway, the tea was not good.

It’s March after all, and I became more hopeful with the longer days and warmer temperatures. Not really warm, actually, still kind of like winter. But at least there is a sea of flowers in the parks.

Still, we were quite tense last month, and sometimes when we get high, we become quite intense and agitated. One night, we came home and smoked in the kitchen. Topo became really obsessed and excited about a topic or theory (a typical stoner epiphany thing). He started gesticulating fiercely and kept asking, “Right? Do you agree?” until I grabbed his hand to calm him down, asking him to speak softer and not so agitated. I, on my part, was not buying into his idea that every human has the same level of inherent morality, which was his thesis. That totally made him mad, and he left the room, scrolling through his Instagram feed robotically, like he always does when he’s upset and angry at me.

I followed him, wanting to stay calm and get over it, but suddenly I felt a very strong rage and energy boiling up in me. I opened the door and erupted. I vented everything I wanted to say, attempting to debunk the old “I adjust to YOU all the time” tale. I went too far when I screamed, “I fucking hate London; I am only here for you.” This was my snap. I felt both bad and good, or better, relieved after that, but it also caused a massive crisis in him. He immediately questioned our future and asked me to decide whether or not to renew our lease, demanding I tell him ASAP.

Of course, I took five steps back and tried to comfort him and soothe the situation, but we were like strangers for at least two days after that, slowly getting closer again.

Then Veronica arrived, and the whole weekend was about her or us, doing things, eating, going to the theatre (a sleazy cheesy “Dirty Dancing”), and biking through East London. We had a good time, but I was also exhausted afterwards from constantly being “on” or in communication mode. I need time off sometimes.

But right after that, I had to start preparing for my great trip to the East! I’m flying to Singapore in two days, later heading to Bali, and eventually back to Hong Kong. I am shocked at how fast this event came up and feel both exhilarated and scared at the same time. Not really scared, like fearful, but a bit uncertain about the emotions of separation, abandonment, guilt, bliss, and longing for the distance.

It will be a good time. I will work on my inner world and well-being. And my outer shell, by tanning at the beach, lol…

My suitcase is kind of packed—nice clothes for the wedding and social events, and a few shorts for yoga in Ubud. Let the adventure begin…
At the Graveyard

Jun 21, 2024

London, 13 January 2023

Today, I finally saw the sun. It was one of those days with an icy blue sky, small white clouds floating swiftly, and a cool wind despite the sunshine.

I headed out and walked east, past Mile End Park, to a new corner of Bow that I had never explored before. It was surprisingly lovely, groomed, and livable. As I wandered around, I found an old cemetery that had been turned into a park. There were hundreds, maybe thousands, of old graves and tombstones dating back to the early 20th or even the 19th century. All were abandoned, withered, covered in moss, and crooked, overtaken by the forest. This created a stunning and mystical atmosphere, enhanced by the pot I smoked earlier. Yellow daffodils were blossoming in January, and ironically, in a place of death, they were the most prominent sign of spring and life. I spent a while there absorbing the atmosphere, dreaming, and reflecting.

I recalled yesterday’s meditation, which spoke about a “mood tunnel” we can find ourselves in. If we see the world through the mind’s eye in a negative state, everything appears repulsive, depressing, and dark. Today, I tried to see things as they really are, and I found some beauty in this experience, in my day, and in my existence, which had become increasingly stagnant in recent weeks.

Or was it just the sunshine that triggered my endorphins and dopamine to kick in a bit more? Am I in a chemical imbalance due to the lack of light?

I stayed out until sunset, savoring every minute of daylight I could, and then returned home. It was much easier to bear the looming darkness and heavy blanket of long nights this way.

I hope I can retain some awareness of my mood tunnel. Or perhaps I can journey down another mood tunnel, one filled with weed, sunshine, and graveyards—the bright tunnel that I can fall down like a rabbit hole. I just wish the good tunnel was a bit longer and less delusional.
It’s Written in the Stars

Jun 19, 2024

London, 07 January 2023

Sometimes your intuition knows what the right thing to do is or what is inevitably coming ahead. Even though we tell ourselves stories to distract, deflect, and dodge the question.

Today, I went to the Buddhist Centre for lunchtime meditation. It was good — hard, with my mind wandering and back aching — but good. I spoke to Kiran afterward, a shy journalist who volunteers there every Saturday.

Afterward, I walked through the streets in the gray, wet cold and returned home to smoke pot.

I had this realization: no matter what my actions are now, everything in me will lead to the future I am supposed to live. Even through sideways and crossing different paths, it will still manifest itself one way or another.

I am resistant and resilient and have been for a long time, but I will eventually reach a point of no return that leads the way.

For now, I’ve decided I am a digital nomad, stranded in London, making the best of my time. That was the other all-so-clear realization I had in the meditation room: make EVERY breath count, open your eyes, ears, and heart, and live this moment! For it is this moment only that exists.

Tag: realization

London, 26 March 2023

London, 13 January 2023