London, 03 January 2023

To wake up in the morning, to get out of bed, to keep eating well and exercising, to work and function, and to plan events and the future, to be nice and sweet and happy — it requires some power from within, an energy source that fuels the body and mind beyond mere physical energy. That life force is our drive, the flame that keeps burning inside of us.

Right now, I feel like my flame is a small, dim flickering light. There’s no warmth or brightness, and it’s on the verge of being extinguished. I watched part of a documentary last night about a therapist and a patient and their unusual approach to psychotherapy. It wasn’t just about listening, but also giving advice. To get back on track, out of the black hole of depression, one should work on and strengthen the three pillars or layers of life force: the body, other people, and the self.

Fortunately, I have a strong commitment to taking care of my body. I won’t let myself go or do harmful things to it; I keep moving and treat myself well. However, I could cut down on weed; it seems I can’t get through a day without it and not feel blue.

“I am not being nice, I am not listening or asking questions, I always talk about myself but never say what I want, and he has to work around me, adjust his life, and I am not appreciating that.”

I have to let that sink in without responding defensively in an attack of fight-or-flight mode. He left for dance class immediately after dropping this bomb, so I had to deal with it on my own. It made my life force even more diminished, leaving me in agony and physical pain, weak.

Now, everything I say or do feels so monitored and observed. I’m trying to ask the right questions without sounding weird, answering questions and sharing my plans, but not always talking about myself, appreciating and being nice without getting a “that took you long to say” as a reply. My heart is beating fast in my chest, and the corners of my mouth are pulling down heavily under the gravity of gloom.

Of course, it is dark already; the day lasted around three hours, and those were filled with rain and clouds.

The top layer of the life force pyramid is YOU, and it’s important to love and care for yourself, and to reflect and write down thoughts, like in a journal. I’m glad that this pillar is taken care of by myself, as I was unconsciously often writing down my feelings.

The middle layer, though, is almost completely missing: other people. I have nobody around here to care for or who takes care of me, and in moments like this, the only other person who is close to me tells me I am not.

Tonight’s challenge: do I make dinner or suggest he get himself takeaway? Will it be perceived as passive-aggressive if I don’t feel like cooking? Or will it be awkward to just sit there and watch him eat my food? I can’t behave naturally anymore; I’m all mixed up. I just want to disappear and make my flame become a powerful fire again.