London, 07 07 2023 

Currently my hobbies are 

• Pilates and Barre
• Gardening & botanics (growing anything on the roof or in pots, from cuttings, seeds etc)
• Cooking (more than just out of necessity) and making homemade stuff, like tea, bread, cake, syrup 
• Concerts & music festivals (I went to close to 10 shows in the past half year)
• Traveling (above all the others actually, but limited due to commitment)
• Reading scientific / psychology books 
• Investing and trading 
• Cycling and walking around the city and nature (preferably after consuming weed or edibles)

I wrote these down because the other night I asked Topo if people still had hobbies and pastimes, like what does everyone do with their free time and in general, their life? 

I felt like I did nothing other than working a bit, eating and sleeping. But paying attention to my passions, or at least, to my daily activities that give me some kind of joy and fulfilment, I came up with this list and feel like I am not too uninterested. I have my interests and pastimes! 

Nevertheless, I also found that these are quite hedonistic, and that my everyday goal is to get some kind of kick or satisfaction out of my day, and it becomes increasingly harder to do so! 

I wake up, and start scrolling on my fucking phone, getting sucked into social medias abyss of meaninglessness. Then I make myself a delicious breakfast everyday, but it wears off and doesn’t give me the satisfaction it used to. I even catch myself watching something on my phone while chewing on some toasted sourdough and slurping my cooled down coffee. 

Then I focus on work for a bit, but am always distracted by some social media feed or annoying videos of woke culture warriors against right wing conservatives and reading the even more annoying comments of users, getting all worked up about how terrible our society has become. 

Then I try to delay the time until my first puff of ganja, and sometimes it is not before dusk, but other days, like today, it can be after lunch. And even that thrill has worn off, is more like a familiar friend than a new lover. I have edibles in a tin box, for special occasions, but it never feels like the first time, literally. I remember the vibrant, ecstatic feeling I got from my first brownie at Wonderfruit in Thailand. Now it merely gives me a nonchalance, or just makes me forgetful. 

Complaining on a high level, as I said, I am chasing hedonistic satisfactions rather than deeper meaning in my daily life. So I keep chasing the next high, the next show, the next holiday or the next coffee shop with cakes and brunches, but what is after that?

I just watched the “Arnold” documentary on Netflix, and Schwarzenegger, as a boomer and rough, macho guy, said he didn’t feel too much self pity, or even grief about the loss of people, because he kept himself busy. He said “make yourself useful” and that resonates with me. I have to find some deeper purpose again, a goal or task that is a bit deeper than making the house sparkling clean or watering my poppy flowers on the roof. 

And I do have those aspirations. I wanna learn Italian, focus on studying new AI technology and think about other ways to make a living in case my current job unravels one day. 

But it is harder than ever to motivate myself, to get the grip and work on my goals, because they are not tangible. Being in a relationship with someone who also does not push himself to pursue long term goals, but rather lives in the moment, doesn’t make it easier. 

Topo has been in Burlington for 7 days now, tonight was his opening. I was feeling a  bit left out by not attending the premier, but also thought I would benefit from the time on  my own in London, like last year when he was in Stanford. But I did not use the time very wisely, besides a deep clean and decluttering of our home, to develop myself. It has to start tomorrow. Or better right now, with realizing and writing down what I feel. 

Tomorrow I have to promise myself to go to the Buddhist Center and practice meditation, and mingle a bit with likeminded people, as  I also lack social contact. Yesterday Chisandra was here for dinner, visiting from Amsterdam, the company and chatting really brightened my day. I couldn’t even shut up and kept talking like a cuckoo person. 

So yeah tomorrow I meditate, and mingle, Sunday I go to see my soulmate sister Lana Del Rey in Hyde Park with Jack, and next Wednesday I fly to visit Masha in Malta! I hope I will be open and receptive to people and new ways of thinking. 

After that I will finally head to Burlington to see the show and hang out for a couple of days. I am a bit afraid of staying in a room in a family home in a small town, but I also think it is my duty to do so.

And who knows, maybe I will make some meaningful connections with people there. 

And then comes August and September, black spaces that  need to be filled  with more excitement, trips and activities. Just so I feel alive and can chase for the next thrill. 

Till then….make myself useful