Tag: Health

Anything could happen

Nov 4, 2025

London, 24 10 2023

Just came back from Ellie Goulding’s show at the Roundhouse. She was lovely and talented, doing vocal acrobatics night after night, appearing pretty revealing yet shy and quiet. She was in a timid mood, only in the second half she warmed up and gave more energy. She was wearing the weirdest knitted jumper though, with two turtlenecks at the boobs. I should be her stylist…

When I got home, Topo was surprisingly still awake, and was appalled that I came home with McDonalds. I was on the other hand surprised he was still awake, since he said in the morning he wants an early night. Anyway as soon as I came home he went to the bedroom, leaving me in the kitchen with my fast food and my stories.

I don’t wanna interpret too much into this but when he comes home, he kinda “demands” me to be in the kitchen with him, no matter what he does there.

When I come home and want to share my day and evening experience, I am left alone. He seems not to process well when I am not at home. Any other evening that I came home later than 7pm, and he knew of, he would also not come home from work immediately. As if he didn’t want to be the first at home. He needs me to wait there. He will also never cook when he comes home first. Like only instant ramen or deliveroo. It’s kinda cute but also kinda annoying.

Not for long though, as I am going to Austria and Budapest to see the dentist. Gonna visit Sepp in Vienna, too, for a couple of days.

So half November is basically traveling. Unfortunately it’s already so cold. I wish I could be in the south, like Sicily or Malta.

Still dreaming of Trinacria every day…. It’s like a lockdown all over again, just that I can go out now. Locked down in England I guess.

My hikes through the country parks of East London also get more and more routine, and with the cold wet weather lose their magic.

I am kinda done with them. Unless I get really ridiculously high there, to the point when I lose orientation, I can’t feel much joy when walking through Epping Forest or Wanstead Flats anymore.

Yesterday was a public holiday, and I had just realized that I could be going somewhere. So I booked a train to Rochester, Kent. The town was not bad, had a busy high street with the obligatory charity stores, Costa Coffees and some pubs and shops, but nothing I haven’t seen before. OK the 1000 year old castle was impressive, but I could not really enjoy the staggering views as I had diarrhea suddenly and was looking for the loo.

Anyway an hour later, after a “choona melt” with crisps and tea in an old tearoom, I decided to find the nearest nature park, which meant walking miles through residential neighborhoods beforehand. After a spliff it got a bit more interesting, but also a bit odd, as I had to walk long distances through fields and next to roads, without ever reaching a really natural landscape.

After twenty kilometers of walking I returned home, and Topo texted me from a colleague’s birthday at a pub, if I would cook and that he would come back. See, again could not survive the evening without my cooking or presence. So I made dinner.

After the trip to Rochester I was a bit discouraged from traveling the English countryside, as it was all similar and I felt a bit bland. Now I was still searching Airbnb for a cute cottage for next weekend, to celebrate Topo’s birthday early. However, the bad weather forecast makes me hesitate, plus the experience in Rochester.

Anything could happen. We had made up, became sweeter again, had sex one time, and I held back all my nagging and teaching. But these days it’s getting a bit cooler again, he doesn’t text me at all unless it is me first, or he is receiving a parcel.

Almost as if he is disappointed in me again.

About to finish my Buddhist book these days, it helps. I can identify my dark feelings creeping up and at least be aware of it. And then smoke pot to conceal them. Lol. I think I need to dig deeper.

xo
Walked into Fall

Apr 14, 2025

London, 19 09 2023

We arrived back in London on Sunday night, after 80 km of hiking, paradise, open skies, villages and sun. There was some rain in St. Ives at the end but the entire journey was amazing. I loved the heather covered cliffs, the seals basking on the beach, the flowers, bumble bees and stone cottages. Food, air, fresh and clean. We hiked a lot, only one small fight, I stepped down from my high horse to be less judgemental.

We took the shrooms, but it was not a trip, only a light breeze of feeling, floating on the beach, but the rain drenched us and made us go back to our castle. I loved the gardens, tropical feeling with giant leaves and palm trees. Sweet tea ladies calling us “little darlings” and the simplicity of only walking, sleeping and eating.

Back to London, down in to the underground, a lot of intimidating faces and people acting weird. No more sweetness, only struggling to stay afloat.

The rain came with us, and the first day in our flat was laying heavy on my mood. I had to get out, take a walk and feel the sky expanding above my head again.

More work to do, trying to put more effort, scared I may be unneeded or redundant at some point. Trying to make myself seen in the company, and in need of some validation for myself.

Another tiff this morning, I just wanted the kitchen to be clean, but it turned into a discussion about appreciation of things that he thinks I don’t see. I am nagging, I am tense, I say things at the wrong time and in the wrong tone. Defending himself like a child, and pulling out receipts from many months ago. About the time when I refused to try to fit the armchair through the bedroom door, but in the end we did and it fit. What does it have to do with me asking him to wipe away the coffee from the counter?

I went to the co-working space, not out of spite or to avoid the situation, but because I needed to get a change of scenery, and Quay had asked me to come yesterday. It is so spacious and lively at SOHO works. We have nice talks, although not very in- depth, and he is busy with work and going to places and waxing.

I stayed here, enjoying the quiet, the non-confrontational environment. Free flow coffee, caffeine spike, soon mary jane high.

I used the time to work and to write, to give him some space and to cool down the frontiers. Hope he is not mad all the time, or does things out of spite like clean up everything like a freak and call me out if I make any small mistake myself. Pettiness is what I hate most, it is the ugly face of not knowing what else to do in confrontation with critique and feeling exposed.

One more week and his new job starts, a new routine, time for me.

He doesn’t want me to control him, to observe everything he does, yet he can’t take care of things himself, never decides what to eat, goes grocery shopping or cleans the bath.

Enough of this shit, I don’t want to waste my thoughts anymore. I got shit to do myself, people to care for. Aluna is pregnant, she told me yesterday! What happy news, big change in their life, and my reaction should be bold. I tried to not talk about myself this time, not too much.

I felt much better down at the coast, walking and feeling connected to nature. As soon as I was back to the flat, the dampness, the clutter, the dying plants on the roof. I felt a dark cloud creeping over me, darkening the sky and my mood.

I have problems living together, that one is clear, I don’t know what to do about it, full of fear

that if I don’t have it my way, if I stay,

will disappoint my future, the movie I am directing won’t go my way.

But I don’t want to rush, be headless and cruel. To say it with the words of Oprah,

When you don’t know what to do, do nothing. Be still.

Here is something I wrote yesterday when I caught some sunlight in Gilbert’s Slade.

Cinnamon swirl

I’m happy

Only on the run

Travelling

Moving

Walking a new path

Finding a place under the sun

As soon as I should

Grow roots and settle down

I seek another adventure

Visit another town

Alone

I smile

When I am on the road

Leaving every day anew

The frown appears

When I touch down

My domicile is called bad mood

The last time

I was happy and content

Was walking along the coast

Where every step meant

Leaving the past behind

Curious of what I’d find

Orazio Overton
Dry spell

Oct 30, 2024

I just thought about writing and realized that it can be pretty dull or even tedious to just write about events and activities like in a log book. What is much more freeing for myself, and a way to release my feelings, is to truly write about THEM. What I feel, see, experience, think. Well I do that most of the time but I caught myself feeling obliged to detail every aspect of the day when there was a special occasion. Anyway, just do it.

Today was the first really warm day in England this year. Mind it is almost mid June and the daylight lasts till 10pm. But finally I could wear shorts, a tanktop and walk through the sunny streets listening to electro pop and Lana Del Rey. I was alone most of the day, finished work and felt tired, yet restless. The allergy made me really sleepy and lacking energy, but I had booked pilates and needed to head to Shoreditch. The streets are back to life, and a crazy mix of people is flocking outside to feel the summer. I feel the change of season and arrival of warm evenings, too. I am more spontaneous and a tiny bit more carefree than usual. I long for a reckless absorption of summer days and even more so, nights. I have a distant memory of the hot evenings in Vienna in August, and the sweet idle lethargy I felt there, despite being in emotionally difficult situations and also not having money.

Now I feel such emotions under the surface, ready to come out and manifest. Something like walking out at night, just to see what people are doing and if they are interesting. Having wine till midnight and hanging out on the roof. Eating ice cream every day and biking high through the quiet streets and neighborhoods. I am over 30 but that doesn’t stop me from feeling like a teenager coming of age.

It is harder to connect to it nowadays, though. What is it? After pilates, which turned out to be barre, I spontaneously bought a protein shake, and spontaneously walked to Brick Lane instead of home. I browsed the vintage stores for something “yellow” to update my summer wardrobe. But there was nothing to find. I didn’t get the usual emotion, and even Lana did not trigger me. Only the pollen did. I was sneezing non stop and felt the hay fever flare up like it was 1996.

I still spontaneously bought myself a salmon sandwich at Pret, but instead of eating it out on the streets, I felt the urge to come back home, to be ready, to organize myself and await Bo back home. So there was something that hindered that free falling feel of summer. A relationship. And it is not even the partner’s fault. I put it upon myself to become a domestic clockwork. To feel obliged to be at home before he does. To wait with eating until we are together.

I just noticed that it is a similar behavior as back then in Vienna with Giorgo. I never stayed out to cruise with friends or just float then either, always feeling an urge to be home by 7 the latest.

But what would be a healthy way out of this codependence? Maybe bit by bit reclaiming that freedom, like I did with my traveling habits? At first afraid to ask, then guilty to go, but now just booking first and then waving goodbye? Or do I have to talk about it and make a statement? I am just always afraid to cause some harm. Like the other day (yesterday) when Topo held my hand the entire time when we were going for a walk, to the supermarket etc.. and I just wanted to move around freely. Eventually I said I want my hand back, without any emotional attachment. He did not object or respond weirdly, but he walked around 2m from me for a while and his words got more sparse.

I actually did it again. The traveling part I mean. I re-booked the failed flight to Berlin to see Vitali in exchange for Malta! I’m gonna visit Margiela there in July, as she mentioned I could stay with her. I love it!! And who knows – maybe the carefree, light, exciting summer feel returns there, in the heat of the Mediterranean Sea…

London, 10 6 2023

Tag: Health

Anything could happen

Walked into Fall

Dry spell