Heathrow Airport – 28 March 2023

I’m at Heathrow Airport now, at the gate, ready to take off to Singapore via Helsinki.

I need to write down what happened in the last two days. It’s quite emotional, but I’m afraid I won’t believe my own biased, constantly changing, and gap-filled memory of the events and actions that took place when I try to recall them after traveling through Southeast Asia.

Last weekend was nice—biking, eating homemade chocolate, and watching The White Lotus. Topo was busy practicing for an audition on Sunday, so I just let him be and took care of my own things, like work, packing for a month of traveling, and finally re-writing the letter to our landlord, explaining the conditions under which we would renew our lease, which has a deadline in April. I kept it short and brief, asking for the next step and mentioning that we would keep deducting 100 pounds monthly until the roof was fixed (not mentioning that I had partly fixed it myself and the dripping had stopped).

Later, we smoked up and watched something, and suddenly it was midnight. I wanted to avoid another day of delay for her to respond, so I suggested we look at the email together in bed and send it out. Nothing seemed odd about that. I took the initiative to write it and, of course, send it with his consent.

At first, Topo said just send it, but I really wanted him to look over it first. After he skimmed it, he was very surprised and a bit negative about how I had left out “all the other problems” and given in so easily. The other problems were the kitchen hood, which we had already discussed with Lisa previously, and the moths in the bedroom.

Since we were both a bit on edge, I can’t exactly remember how it heated up, but basically, I had to explain why I had changed my mind and accepted all the problems in the flat. He argued that it was because I was in a rush, hurrying because I would be traveling soon. I said that I always thought the email was too lengthy before, and there was no need to mention all the previous damages or repairs that had been fixed by now. And that the water damage could not be repaired inside until the roof was fixed.

After explaining my intentions for this email, he said, “OK, send it!” But I still wanted to make sure he was totally agreeing, because I didn’t want to hear complaints later. He clearly was not happy with my draft, as he said many times that we might have to live with the damage for another whole year and bear the cost of the dehumidifier and heating. I said I could put the kitchen hood in the email if he wanted or ask for even lower rent. He became very angry. “I already said send it!!! I won’t be complaining later, I’m OK with it!” But I wanted his opinion reflected in the email. “You’re trying to force me to give you my opinion!” etc.

Eventually, he said something along the lines of, “That’s why I always wanted to talk about it and brought it up many times, but you never share your opinion, and I don’t know your agenda.” You never this, you always that…

This really triggered me. Instead of focusing on now and getting it done, he brought up that I was holding the process back because I never wanted to do it or didn’t say what I wanted. Basically blaming me for it.

He spoke very agitatedly, with wild gestures, in a very aggressive tone, loud and fast. I deliberately tried to stay totally calm, but I could feel my hands shaking already.

I said that I am actually a doer, and instead of only talking about doing something and mentioning “we have to… we should…” I actually do it. Like fixing the roof, or the salon door, or writing that email. And that is what I really feel! I don’t talk about it for weeks; I’d rather get to it.

Then he dished out that he only wants to follow me and adjust to my schedule, the old story, and that he can also do things alone! Like he doesn’t have to have breakfast with me when it suits me (the breakfast that I cook for BOTH of us), and he never knows my schedule. Or if he is practicing, he could ignore me the whole day. ARGGGHHH! For a year I have been getting up, sending some emails and reports at 9 am, and making breakfast after, including for him, meanwhile, he could get up, shower, and join the breakfast. Never would I think he feels forced to do any of that, nor has he ever taken the initiative to make breakfast for me, or asked me?! And whenever I do not cook, his only way is to order delivery or to fry stinking pork bellies for only himself. He is just helpless and follows me and is angry about himself being like this! … a rant on the side…

Then he went crazy, saying I accuse him, I attack him, I blame him, and just started fighting.

Eventually, there was nothing left to say, and after trying to calm myself down, we went to bed.

The next morning, I sent the email. He didn’t speak to me or look at me the whole day. He started doing what he hinted at earlier—doing everything on his own terms in a passive-aggressive, selfish way. Frying burgers and eating alone, refusing to eat what I cooked, always leaving the room when I was there and going somewhere else. He even started to smoke cigarettes, I think, as he went to the roof quite often suddenly. He behaved very hostilely.

tbc…

Helsinki – 28 March 2023

I’ve landed at Helsinki Airport. It is so much cleaner and more modern than London. The toilets smell of apple-cinnamon and have birds singing. Even the aircraft was brand new and super sleek. But water costs 4 Euros at the airport bar…

I watched Don’t Worry Darling on the flight, and it was quite disturbing. At moments, I was not really able to follow, as my emotions are still raw and hazy from the departure from Bethnal Green.

To continue what went down on Sunday night… Basically, the whole Monday we avoided each other and smoked up in the kitchen alternately. Eventually, we slept, and there was some hugging during the night, which made me feel like we had moved on. But it was probably unconscious body movements, sleep-drunk and not aware. Because this morning the hide-and-seek went on. When I said good morning, he ignored me and looked away. I made some food, but he did not join. He danced around the flat until I left the kitchen and spent the rest of the day in the bathroom. I got everything ready for my departure and asked him what he was doing today, even suggesting we go to a tailor together to alter his pants for the Awards. But he turned me down, saying he’ll work it out by himself.

Later, he came to the kitchen. He said he was super stressed and that he could not talk about what happened as he did not have the capacity to say it, but could also not act like nothing had happened. And that if he talked now, he wouldn’t know where this conversation would lead, and he didn’t want to ruin my trip. He needed to be alone.

… what had happened that made him treat me like a horrible person? I criticized him? I said he has to take initiative sometimes? That was enough to trigger a downward spiral so severe that he drops such a bomb before my departure for a month without actually dropping the bomb, but just hinting at it?! What the fuck.

Eventually, the time had come for me to head to the airport, and there was absolutely nothing holding me back at home any longer. I went to the kitchen where he sat burning some sage, as if to clear the space from my spirit and presence.
I said I have to leave now. No reaction. I said, don’t you want to say good-bye? He said he can’t, while refilling the lighter with gas, staring straight ahead.
I said, “Take care then,” and left, feeling empty and flustered. I recollected myself on the one-hour tube ride to the airport, and I felt a glimpse of hope within myself as I listened to the lyrics.

No one’s gonna feel the pain for you
You’re gonna love again, so just try staying open,
And when the time comes, you’ll fall
Your dreams and inner vision
All your mystical ambitions,
They won’t let you down
Do your best to trust all the rays of light
Everybody wants the best for you
But you’ve gotta want it for yourself

I have to take care of my feelings now. Heal and get stronger.

Somewhere above Malaysia – 29 March 2023

I see islands and meandering rivers and clouds. The sun is beaming into the aircraft, giving a preview of what is to come in the coming weeks. Warmth, light, hope. It is the longest flight I’ve ever taken, and I was in a state of blur most of the time. I watched a movie about a woman who retreats into the Rocky Mountains to be alone in the woods, fighting for survival and finding a way to get back to life. I am her. I just want to do the tasks and notice my surroundings more, be where I am. I slept a while, had dreams, until my phone alarm woke me (and other passengers?) up.

It feels like I traveled much further than these 12,000 kilometers, as I am in a completely different time, space, and hopefully mood soon. I have to detach from the negativity that I was confronted with when I left, and not identify with

it or internalize it. I have to learn to make the choice of what I want to think and feel.

Above the clouds… free… far away.

Fly!!!

6:43 pm
Touchdown