I just thought about writing and realized that  it can be pretty dull or even tedious to just write about events and activities like in a log book. What is much more freeing for myself, and a way to release my feelings, is to  truly write about THEM.  What I feel, see, experience, think. Well I do that most of the time but I caught myself feeling obliged to detail every aspect of the day when there was a special occasion. Anyway, just do it.

Today was the first really warm day in England this year. Mind it is almost mid June and the daylight lasts till 10pm. But finally I could wear shorts, a tanktop and walk through the sunny streets listening to electro pop and Lana Del Rey. I was alone most of the day, finished work and felt tired, yet restless. The allergy made me really sleepy and lacking energy, but I had booked pilates and needed to head to Shoreditch. The streets are back to life, and a crazy mix of people is flocking outside to feel the summer. I feel the change of season and arrival of warm evenings, too. I am more spontaneous and a tiny bit more carefree than usual. I long for a reckless absorption of summer days and even more so, nights. I have a distant memory of the hot evenings in Vienna in August, and the sweet idle lethargy I felt there, despite being in emotionally difficult situations and also not having money. 

Now I feel such emotions under the surface, ready to come out and manifest. Something like walking out at night, just to see what people are doing and if they are interesting. Having wine till midnight and hanging out on the roof. Eating ice cream every day and biking high through the quiet streets and neighborhoods. I am over 30 but that doesn’t stop me from feeling like a teenager coming of age. 

It is harder to connect to it nowadays, though. What is it? After pilates, which turned out to be barre, I spontaneously bought a protein shake, and spontaneously walked to Brick Lane instead of home. I browsed the vintage stores for something “yellow” to update my summer wardrobe. But there was nothing to find. I didn’t get the usual emotion, and even Lana did not trigger me. Only the pollen did. I was sneezing non stop and felt the hay fever flare up like it was 1996.

I still spontaneously bought myself a salmon sandwich at Pret, but instead of eating it out on the streets, I felt the urge to come back home, to be ready, to organize myself and await Bo back home. So there was something that hindered that free falling feel of summer. A relationship. And it is not even the partner’s fault. I put it upon myself to become a domestic clockwork. To feel obliged to be at home before he does. To wait with eating until we are together. 

I just noticed that it is a similar behavior as back then in Vienna with Giorgo. I never stayed out to cruise with friends or just float then either, always feeling an urge to be home by 7 the latest. 

But what would be a healthy way out of this codependence? Maybe bit by bit reclaiming that freedom, like I did with my traveling habits? At first afraid to ask, then guilty to go, but now just booking first and then waving goodbye? Or do I have to talk about it and make a statement? I am just always afraid to cause some harm. Like the other day (yesterday) when Topo held my hand the entire time when we were going for a walk, to the supermarket etc.. and I just wanted to move around freely. Eventually I said I want my hand back, without any emotional attachment. He did not object or respond weirdly, but he walked around 2m from me for a while and his words got more sparse. 

I actually did it again. The traveling part I mean. I re-booked the failed flight to Berlin to see Vitali in exchange for Malta! I’m gonna visit Margiela there in July, as she mentioned I could stay with her. I love it!! And who knows – maybe the carefree, light, exciting summer feel returns there, in the heat of the Mediterranean Sea…

London, 10 6 2023