Tag: family

Iso E Super

Jan 29, 2026

London, November 2023

My first day being 42 started early, at 7:20am. I had another conference call with the queen of hearts and the army of cards, and it was quite emotional and desperate from both sides, regarding the Black Friday promotions. So I made a suggestion to make everything more straightforward. Everyone agreed quickly, and I was happy we could end the call after one hour this time. Then I had to follow up with artwork and ordering posters, and by 11, I was hungry and ate breakfast alone. Topo had not come out of bed by then, and I woke him with sunlight by opening the blinds and windows.

After he finally got up, he came over and was quite agitated again about work. The unfairness of it all, people having to admit their wrongs and having to say he does them a favor, because it is right and everybody agrees, and that they were wrong. A full rant with finger swooping and pointing aggressively. I don’t know if it is because of the weed consumption or my zen practice, but I am not on such an aggressive frequency, and these vibes hit me really hard. I can’t say much and just listen and nod.

Oh I said something, though. He said he has to be careful not to let it affect his mood or something like that. And I said, “well it already has affected you, right?” He immediately countered that he has to tell me everything and not just swallow it and deal with it alone. Like, I shouldn’t blame him for being upset. When I simply mention that he was, clearly, since he has been obsessively talking about this disagreement at work for days, can’t listen to anything else and seems distant, only drilling on his hurt emotions and ego.

I mean it is ok to rant about work, I can take it! But his whole focus revolves around pride and feeling unfairly treated. And again and again. And with his reaction to what I say, he shows that he feels like that towards me, too. That I am falsely criticizing him and demanding hypocritical standards.

Of course I cannot say any of these things unless I want major drama and days of silence afterwards.

Yesterday we actually went out to that bar. I got tipsy, dressed up in my old designer clothes from Chegini in Vienna, with the transparent Rick Owens top I thought I would never wear again. But thanks to pilates, barre, and hyper self-consciousness about my posture, I think I can pull it off.

I headed to Liverpool Street and texted him. He wanted to meet me at 10. Surprisingly, he was at the pub with his cast members, and they sent me a video. I sat in front of the bar in the cold wind for 15 minutes, as I would have hated to wait alone at a table on my birthday even more.

He came, tipsy, and I couldn’t hide my disappointment and mood. But as soon as we entered Silverleaf, I was ‘back to normal,’ and we ordered really fancy, crafted cocktails for 16 pounds and boujee bar food.

It was nice, elegant, and I felt better spending the evening like this rather than cooking at home. It was not really busy, though, and more like an after-work venue.

We went home and he didn’t want to go to bed, despite me having to get up early the next day. Hence the late rising this morning.

In the afternoon, after I managed all the work tasks, I rolled a spliff and went to Leytonstone again, to the cute hipster cafe I recently discovered. And then into the fields, smoking in a cozy, old oak tree. I was nice, but I was not in the mood or able to walk very far today. I like Leytonstone though.

I tried to buy perfume dupes recently, and finally ordered Iso E Super from ebay, the same ingredient as Eccentric Molecule 01, for only 17 pounds. Wearing it right now. The thing with this scent is, you don’t smell it yourself anymore. You just hope it still radiates a warm, ambery pheromone-like odor that enchants people the way it did me when I first took a sniff of it in a concept store in Milano Marittima with Giorgio ca. 2007. What an olfactory memory. I’m gonna spray that shit on everything from now on.
41

Jan 29, 2026

London, Nov 2023

Today I am still 41 years old. Tomorrow is my birthday. Big deal.

So for my Sunday Pre-Birthday we ate the one remaining mushroom, I rolled a spliff and we went to Theydon Bois and into the woods. The shroom did make me feel quite elevated and light, and combined with the weed we roamed through the trees quite afloat. It was good, despite the cool and overcast weather.

Eventually we went home, ordered food and I made rum cocktails. I got quite tipsy and the whole combo of stimulants hit me like a truck and I got super knackered. We went to bed and I had haunting dreams about Giorgio and him being a killer, hunting and getting a house full of people, me one of them. I ran and hid but some bitch made noises and gave us away. He appeared in front of me, with a big grin. I tried to kiss him and make everything good, but he still stabbed me. Eventually it got very wild and slightly sexual, and despite waking up a few times I continued the dream for a while.

And then I had sex with Topo and we were quite uninhibited. Well, I was, for sure.

Morning – nothing special, I had to clean out the drains with the plunger, fix the coffee machine after a landslide of hot coffee water poured over it, and had a call with Aluna, catching up on our old life.

Pilates was quite good at four, and I tried to hang out in Shoreditch for a bit, going to shops and stuff, but gave up bored.

Finally I could relax a bit at home and get high, cook, blablabla too many boring details. What’s important is I don’t feel much about my birthday, I’ll have a work call at 8am, and Topo will be at work till late. No friends here to meet. Only me at home. I want to go and “treat myself”. Whoop dee doo.

I got the cool leather jacket as a gift, that’s nice. And mom’s Sachertorte.

What am I doing? Having major self-doubts right now about the direction my life is going. Almost like back when I felt stuck, in my hometown as a teen, and just waited for things to get better. It’s just now that I am in charge of myself. And I am the one who can make it better. And 42 is another year closer to the end. I wanna live!
Singles Day

Nov 21, 2025

London, 11 11 2023

After I showered and Topo came home, I was happy and excited to see him. He was a bit disappointed that I did not read what was written on the back of the photo he placed in the corridor next to Godiva chocolates. I had no clue it was meant for me. But yeah, I did not mention it to him via Whatsapp earlier.

So he ate what I cooked, and asked me to talk about my trip to Austria . First I brought the gifts I got from my family and unpacked them and explained to him. Also the things that were for him, just some food stuff. Then I talked about how it was staying with mom for so long and he asked what topics I talked about with my mom and family, and if they were deep.

I started to explain how mom talks (all day) and how I respond to it, and that it can be deep but not about philosophy or something. That there are probably 70% rants and the rest stories from the past. Anyway he stopped me to give advice on what mom really needed, that was someone to listen to to ask questions about how she felt. I just wanted to continue my story about my week away, quite briefly actually, but he drilled back to what he wanted to say and also inserted stories about rehearsal and the cunts he had to deal with at work etc. And when I continued or tried to continue talking about my trip, his glance was empty and distant and he didn’t follow me anymore, just saying some passive “oh really” now and then. It felt a bit strange, as if he was put off suddenly and was not interested to converse anymore, unless it was for him to bring his train of thought to an end. Almost as he was stuck and annoyed that I carried on.

So that and the influence of MJ created a bit of a debating atmosphere and so I tried my best to turn it around as I was in no mood for another fight based on disagreements and sensitivities while babbling bs high in the kitchen.

Also he used everything I said to prove something about me that he thinks is wrong or my blind spot. Like thinking I don’t listen to my mom and giving her unsolicited advice, when all I said was I am just applying my mediation practice, not to react to her when I am feeling triggered.

I finally got to change topics and we went to bed. At night I woke up and he tried to touch and grab me, which normally I would be pleasantly surprised by. But I was kinda dreaming I was still in Austria on my mom’s sofa.

Only later in the morning, I replied to his cuddling, and we had quite intense and passionate sex.

It was great. But after breakfast he was distant again and suddenly left at 11, for yoga before rehearsal. I was surprised that he left, and he said “what should I do at home?” It was not really mean or bad, but still strange and kinda the opposite of what he always says about communication and telling each other our plans.

I was not sad for long, as the weather was stunning and I went for a hike with a spliff in Leytonstone. I discovered a very cute hipster coffee shop and street with cute houses that I could imagine living in. Also it is just a few steps from Wanstead flats, where I met and petted a purring red, fluffy cat for a while, before lighting up and a guided meditation on a little grass hill, absorbing the mild November sun.

It was the perfect Saturday afternoon. Back home I cooked and ran errands, and got more high. I was not totally lost, but kept forgetting what I wanted to do, and succumbing to iPhone video holes.

Now he will come home soon. Let’s see what mood he is in now. Hot or cold. I said thank you for cleaning and the welcome greetings. Guess it is still not seen appreciated enough.

Soon is my pre-birthday day as he will be working on Tuesday evening. Hope it’s not raining. Also I don’t know what to do on my birthday, kinda sad but whatever.

Gotta go. xoxo
Identity Crisis

Nov 21, 2025

London 10 11 2023

Having started the morning at 6:30 am with a view over the fields of Salzburg, I now find myself dancing, high in the kitchen, to Kylie’s new album in East London. It’s been a journey…

Last week I flew to my hometown for the first time in a year, and had mixed feelings. and a cough. Veronica picked me up and we were happy to see each other. Went right to mom’s home and had dinner together. Mom looked quite fit and happy, but her torn knee was another physical setback…

Anyway we had a good time and talked. Veronica is fighting with her boyfriend and maybe breaking up. I wish she would. I don’t tell her that though.

With mom it was ok, we talked a lot about old times and dramas, sometimes too deep or intense, so that some old wounds would bleed again. The days went by real quick besides the fact that I did not do much but go for a short walk to the neighboring village, cook with mom and listen to endless rants. On Sunday we went to Johann’s family. There was an awkward moment in the beginning when we all stood in the corridor, not knowing what to say, and just stared insecurely at teach other. Eventually we warmed up a bit, and I was more talking to my nieces than following the usual old stories or problem pushing questions. My brother cooked real nice and gave me an early birthday gift with a very sweet card. That evening I still went to meet Gabriel and his new girlf at aunt Erika’s house. He smoked until his eyes were half shut, and told stories about his psychedelic experiences, including instructions, upon my indirect request.

Seems everyone in the homeland is doing some sorta shroom or stamp. For sure it was not his cute, privileged girlfriend, who was just listening in awe.

Anyway the point is, I bumped into lots of relatives those days, and everyone wanted to meet me! Not literally everyone tho, but ok. I had a brekkie with my cousin and he made crepes. And I opened up quite quickly and had that good old feeling of ‘fuck I overshared’ afterwards. Still interesting cuz I had actually never shared more than 2 sentences before. Like ever. Also bumped into Annegret briefly and Erika several times. Plus my other with her new baby on the way to the farm.

So I also walked a few rounds over to the village. It was beautiful everywhere, with the autumn sun and meticulously groomed gardens and even farms. Everything is so perfect, so familiar yet so far from where I am. People greet you and frown if you don’t, their faces are scanning you and trying to categorize where you belong. And speaking in local dialect for 7 days felt so unusual. Paired with olfactory references (silage at those farms), and old family homes and gardens, it quite messed with my mind.

I felt as if that part in me, the one I left behind around 2008, when I moved to Hungary, had reemerged and was not getting along with my newer me, the one who created an international delusional fantastic dream lifestyle. My brain started to think in Austrian dialect like there was no tomorrow, and I spoke to people in a weirdly outdated sounding language. I even was not really good at telling any story to my family, because I had a very bumpy speech, with pauses, searching for the right sentence to make sense. So cliche I know, but really my brain is faster in English now.

Talking to mom about the whole dad gambling and bankruptcies stories also conjured up a familiar, but unpleasant feeling. Maybe all these pictures for my senses just line up in the same way as back then, and bring back some buried emotions from the unconscious.

I neither felt belonging there nor to London.

After 6 nights I was about time to move out from mom’s sofa and head out, even though she already misses me and got used to the daily social interaction.

I took the train to Salzburg and finally met my friend Lily againm after 5 years, when I had stayed at their new house with Xavier.

This time alone, I was a bit nervous, whether we would have changed a lot, she was a mom now, or if my weed times in London had already altered my personality.

She looked like always, not aged much, still the same cool blonde with piercing blue eyes. We chatted right away, it didn’t feel weird or distant. Their house was still awesome with these views, and her daughter Johanna is the sweetest 2 year old I ever saw. The way she babbles in Salzburgerisch is just adorable.

We had Spinatknödel, which Lily cooks kinda ritually whenever I show up every few years, and I’m loving it. We even went to a Pilates class together in the local kindergarten and planked with the local housewives and grandpa in jeans. It was quite good though, and the first day I did not cough my insides out from the bronchitis I had.

We still talked until midnight, and again I shared a lot of darker thoughts and feelings. It just starts to flow out of me once the cork is removed. Like bashing the London life, our Grandpa inheritance story, my dad’s death anniversary etc. With my self-satyrical humor I think I brought it back to lighter topics, and I talked about my travels and the future with AI. LOL. I talked much more than them, but I think it’s because they are both more introverted than me. Or just sick of my BS. Or I never let them talk. LOL. Fuck.

I slept in the TV room, and woke up quite a few times with intense dreams, dealing with the emotions of the whole week. Moreover, work wanted to reach me and I had to make up an urgent dentist appointment to cover the flight time back to London this morning. And here we are, sitting high in the salon, writing this and listening to disco pop divas.

I have one week here, then I move on to the next adventure…

phew ok that one week of MJ abstinence really paid of lol. floating to the bathroom…
morning. good. no.

Nov 4, 2025

London 25 10 2023

These are the only words Topo said this morning. I had a bad sleep and tossed and turned with a headache, but he was the one who woke up moody and cold.

I spent the day trying to recover, crocheted a flower hanger with macrame for his birthday, and booked a cottage in Oxfordshire for the weekend.

I was also wondering what I did wrong, but tried to disperse this thought as it seems to be my old pattern of trying to please everyone.

A bit tired of everything, fatigued, over it. My heart beats against the wall in my chest. It’s 6:20pm, dark already.
Anything could happen

Nov 4, 2025

London, 24 10 2023

Just came back from Ellie Goulding’s show at the Roundhouse. She was lovely and talented, doing vocal acrobatics night after night, appearing pretty revealing yet shy and quiet. She was in a timid mood, only in the second half she warmed up and gave more energy. She was wearing the weirdest knitted jumper though, with two turtlenecks at the boobs. I should be her stylist…

When I got home, Topo was surprisingly still awake, and was appalled that I came home with McDonalds. I was on the other hand surprised he was still awake, since he said in the morning he wants an early night. Anyway as soon as I came home he went to the bedroom, leaving me in the kitchen with my fast food and my stories.

I don’t wanna interpret too much into this but when he comes home, he kinda “demands” me to be in the kitchen with him, no matter what he does there.

When I come home and want to share my day and evening experience, I am left alone. He seems not to process well when I am not at home. Any other evening that I came home later than 7pm, and he knew of, he would also not come home from work immediately. As if he didn’t want to be the first at home. He needs me to wait there. He will also never cook when he comes home first. Like only instant ramen or deliveroo. It’s kinda cute but also kinda annoying.

Not for long though, as I am going to Austria and Budapest to see the dentist. Gonna visit Sepp in Vienna, too, for a couple of days.

So half November is basically traveling. Unfortunately it’s already so cold. I wish I could be in the south, like Sicily or Malta.

Still dreaming of Trinacria every day…. It’s like a lockdown all over again, just that I can go out now. Locked down in England I guess.

My hikes through the country parks of East London also get more and more routine, and with the cold wet weather lose their magic.

I am kinda done with them. Unless I get really ridiculously high there, to the point when I lose orientation, I can’t feel much joy when walking through Epping Forest or Wanstead Flats anymore.

Yesterday was a public holiday, and I had just realized that I could be going somewhere. So I booked a train to Rochester, Kent. The town was not bad, had a busy high street with the obligatory charity stores, Costa Coffees and some pubs and shops, but nothing I haven’t seen before. OK the 1000 year old castle was impressive, but I could not really enjoy the staggering views as I had diarrhea suddenly and was looking for the loo.

Anyway an hour later, after a “choona melt” with crisps and tea in an old tearoom, I decided to find the nearest nature park, which meant walking miles through residential neighborhoods beforehand. After a spliff it got a bit more interesting, but also a bit odd, as I had to walk long distances through fields and next to roads, without ever reaching a really natural landscape.

After twenty kilometers of walking I returned home, and Topo texted me from a colleague’s birthday at a pub, if I would cook and that he would come back. See, again could not survive the evening without my cooking or presence. So I made dinner.

After the trip to Rochester I was a bit discouraged from traveling the English countryside, as it was all similar and I felt a bit bland. Now I was still searching Airbnb for a cute cottage for next weekend, to celebrate Topo’s birthday early. However, the bad weather forecast makes me hesitate, plus the experience in Rochester.

Anything could happen. We had made up, became sweeter again, had sex one time, and I held back all my nagging and teaching. But these days it’s getting a bit cooler again, he doesn’t text me at all unless it is me first, or he is receiving a parcel.

Almost as if he is disappointed in me again.

About to finish my Buddhist book these days, it helps. I can identify my dark feelings creeping up and at least be aware of it. And then smoke pot to conceal them. Lol. I think I need to dig deeper.

xo
The Glitch

Sep 16, 2025

London, 09 10 2023

This morning I felt moody and restless, and after finishing a few work tasks, I was just walking around the flat nervously and getting anxious. So I thought I needed a change of scene, and biked to Columbia Road for a turmeric bun and flat white. Sitting outside on the quiet street, school kids roaring in the background, I started to read in my Rinpoche book and felt a bit more at ease. I then went on to Haggerston Park, reading, meditating and doing some work out. It was unbelievably warm in the sun, like in the south or mid summer. I took off my t-shirt and absorbed the sun, smelling that scent on the skin of UV light reacting with your surface, creating your unique fragrance.

After that I felt invigorated and lighter, my shoulders dropped and I biked to Bethnal Green Road to run some errands and buy stuff for home.

My good disposition stayed a while, even back home. What kinda drew me in was social media I have to say. An hour of watching IG reels later, I was a bit worried again and did housework to calm myself down. Cooked fried rice and ate it. Done.

Topo is having dinner with his agent tonight.

I think reading about selflessness and the practice of not paying too much attention to our own feelings, magnifying any adverse sensation, the self in the center, and indulging in the ups and downs of life, is giving me a bit of a split feeling. I want to let go of the attachment and be less dependent on the daily dopamine kicks and avoidance.

But reading about caring for others happiness first, focusing on the wellbeing of others before oneself, sounds so hard if the person you are practicing with is the most selfattached person ever?

I think I don’t make sense right now.

Anyway sitting here with black castor oil in my hair to make it grow grow grow. I can almost tie it all up now, maybe 2cm missing. Around Christmas time…

So yesterday I went out to go for a hike or walk at noon, aware that I needed to be back around 3pm to go to his friend’s birthday gathering.

I quickly rolled a spliff and headed to Fairlop Waters. I know, last time they kicked me out and evacuated the park because of an “incident” had not exactly left a rave feeling but I was willing to give it another chance. And it looked really nice actually, with beautiful grass and hundreds of paths mown into the field.

I smoked my joint on a bench and decided to leave the park for the neighboring village. As the weed hit me, I stepped into another world of cottages and farms in the city! I mean it is quite in the east but it is London! There were houses, tractors, farm machines, and a countryside feeling… I really got emotional as it felt like my childhood, familiar and comforting for its memories.

It was only three houses though, so I had to transit into another world soon, heading back to the main park. I was kinda over hiking at this point and headed to the main pond, with sailing boats and families. I just wanted to find a snack and head home.

The paths were quite busy with visitors. I was a bit high but knew what I was doing, at least I thought so….

I saw these three pull up bars, and decided to jump up to the highest one to hang and dangle around, releasing my back… I felt dizzy up there, so I jumped down and walked back to the path.
Then I glitched.
I started to bend over, unable to walk, and the images kept flashing up like photos. I could not see my entire environment, and my brain was fluttering. I remember how it felt. I couldn’t tell where I was or what was happening. I just felt really out of order and involuntarily doing something. It lasted probably only a few seconds, but I needed some time to grasp who and where I was, and pull myself together.

I was a bit shocked, as it was like I was out of my body or at least out of my consciousness for a moment. I noticed how helpless I was in those seconds, and would not have been able to respond if a person talked to me.

I guess it was my low blood pressure after hanging on the bars, but the weed definitely took it over the edge. I don’t want to feel this again.

I quickly returned home, showered and tried to be normal when Topo came back. He still took his time, showered for ages (…) and ate instant noodles. We finally got ready to go to the pub, and I started to feel social anxiety for meeting a bunch of sassy gays. I drank a CBD drink and we headed out. I felt confident yet quiet at the same time. After some small talk and two wines I was tipsy and found a company to talk about food, England and foraging etc.. So it was not bad, I think I said some inappropriate things but who cares. At 9pm I had a headache and we went home. Enough party lol.

Instant pizza deluxe, Kath & Kim and slept.

Ciao amore