It is still hot and dry in London. There was one tiny thunderstorm in the last two weeks, but other than that, it’s dry as a bone. The parks start turning brown again like a prairie. I also got quite dark by sunbathing on the roof on every occasion, without sunscreen! It just feels so good to melt under the heavy sun and just give in to the sizzling, dazing weight of the sun rays. This week I went biking once, and while riding through Haggerston Park, I just laid down in the grass, shirt off, and soaked up the sun. I was a bit stoned and felt even heavier than usual. As if I was sinking into the grass below me, turning one with the earth. 

Basically I have been smoking weed daily this month, I can’t even remember when I last skipped a day. It feels good but also the magic has worn off a bit and now it becomes like a normal state. Hmmm.. Kinda like in our relationship. We are not excited anymore, not curious and  fascinated by each other. More like expecting the next move, being disappointed when we were wrong and being aggravated when we are right. We feel a bit distant  these days, from both sides, but nothing particularly happened. Sometimes I wonder if there is something that he is disappointed about in me, something that annoyed him or if I was neglecting or offensive. But maybe it is just like with Mary Jane, after the XXth time we are just not floating on cloud 9 anymore after a puff, not even cloud 5. 

I catch myself making conversation out of pressure courteously. Like asking about work, staying attentive and giving at least some kind of feedback. But after we exchanged the schedules of unimpressive events of our days, there is not much left to say. It comes down to thinking about what to eat next, me cooking,  sitting in the kitchen and deciding whether or not to watch something that night. Often he just lays at the sofa like an upside down frog and smiles at his phone, or we fall into some youtube hole that I opened and spiral into the oblivion of brainmatter depreciating content.  All in all, not exciting or even satisfying. 

I had some moments where I seduced him by just showing up after the shower and starting to make out, and we did have sex after. But it was always my initiative, and in between there is zero sexual tension, at least from him. 

So the first euphoria of summertime and more light, more fun, more life, has started to ebb off, too, just like relationships and drugs. I catch myself being lethargic and moody again, even on the sunniest day, wearing the tiniest outfits and basking in the sun. Nothing is wrong, nothing feels right. 

We are planning to travel to Europe in August, that should at least excite me, right?

The other day I was cycling or walking again, somewhere in Bow, and caught myself trying to get a glimpse of people’s homes by lurking into their windows. I am so fascinated with other people’s lives, what they do, how their homes look, what their hobbies may be. Where they head to when leaving their front door or who may be waiting for them at home. I would like to be invited, take a dip into their life, see more different ways of living. See more houses, talk more, or just hang out.  Seems I am bored.

After all, I just realized I have a hobby, too. I like the rooftop garden a lot, spend every day there and watch my seedlings grow. The poppies I sowed last year are almost ready to harvest. The flowers I planted are in full bloom. Summer 2023 is here. 

PS I bought tickets to See Pink and Gwen Stefani tomorrow at the Summer Carnival in Hyde  Park.  140 pounds each. But I was craving for a thrill, entertainment, and people.  Hope it’s worth it. Topo is  going along but shows absolutely no excitement or interest in the event whatsoever. I brought him to a lot of shows already, and always paid for tickets. I wonder if he appreciates it, or thinks he’s doing me a favor by attending with me. In the end, I am the one who wants him to be there. Let’s see how tomorrow goes and if it is the last time I do so. 

Btw I bought a (one) ticket to Wonderfruit in Thailand in December. OOps 

There!  I got  another hobby! Going to shows and concerts and festivals! And traveling, another one! Whoop Whoop so busy lol.

London, 24 6 2023