London, 09 10 2023

This morning I felt moody and restless, and after finishing a few work tasks, I was just walking around the flat nervously and getting anxious. So I thought I needed a change of scene, and biked to Columbia Road for a turmeric bun and flat white. Sitting outside on the quiet street, school kids roaring in the background, I started to read in my Rinpoche book and felt a bit more at ease. I then went on to Haggerston Park, reading, meditating and doing some work out. It was unbelievably warm in the sun, like in the south or mid summer. I took off my t-shirt and absorbed the sun, smelling that scent on the skin of UV light reacting with your surface, creating your unique fragrance.

After that I felt invigorated and lighter, my shoulders dropped and I biked to Bethnal Green Road to run some errands and buy stuff for home. 

My good disposition stayed a while, even back home. What kinda drew me in was social media I have to say. An hour of watching IG reels later, I was a bit worried again and did housework to calm myself down. Cooked fried rice and ate it. Done.

Topo is having dinner with his agent tonight. 

I think reading about selflessness and the practice of not paying too much attention to our own feelings, magnifying any adverse sensation, the self in the center, and indulging in the ups and downs of life, is giving me a bit of a split feeling. I want to let go of the attachment and be less dependent on the daily dopamine kicks and avoidance.

But reading about caring for others happiness first, focusing on the wellbeing of others before oneself, sounds so hard if the person you are practicing with is the most selfattached person ever?

I think I don’t make sense right now.

Anyway sitting here with black castor oil in my hair to make it grow grow grow. I can almost tie it all up now, maybe 2cm missing. Around Christmas time…

So yesterday I went out to go for a hike or walk at noon, aware that I needed to be back around 3pm to go to his friend’s birthday gathering. 

I quickly rolled a spliff and headed to Fairlop Waters. I know, last time they kicked me out and evacuated the park because of an “incident” had not exactly left a rave feeling but I was willing to give it another chance. And it looked really nice actually, with beautiful grass and hundreds of paths mown into the field. 

I smoked my joint on a bench and decided to leave the park for the neighboring village. As the weed hit me, I stepped into another world of cottages and farms in the city! I mean it is quite in the east but it is London! There were houses, tractors, farm machines, and a countryside feeling… I really got emotional as it felt like my childhood, familiar and comforting for its memories. 

It was only three houses though, so I had to transit into another world soon, heading back to the main park. I was kinda over hiking at this point and headed to the main pond, with sailing boats and families. I just wanted to find a snack and head home.

The paths were quite busy with visitors. I was a bit high but knew what I was doing, at least I thought so….

I saw these three pull up bars, and decided to jump up to the highest one to hang and dangle around, releasing my back… I felt dizzy up there, so I jumped down and walked back to the path.
Then I glitched.
I started to bend over, unable to walk, and the images kept flashing up like photos. I could not see my entire environment, and my brain was fluttering. I remember how it felt. I couldn’t tell where I was or what was happening. I just felt really out of order and involuntarily doing something. It lasted probably only a few seconds, but I needed some time to grasp who and where I was, and pull myself together. 

I was a bit shocked, as it was like I was out of my body or at least out of my consciousness for a moment. I noticed how helpless I was in those seconds, and would not have been able to respond if a person talked to me. 

I guess it was my low blood pressure after hanging on the bars, but the weed definitely took it over the edge. I don’t want to feel this again.

I quickly returned home, showered and tried to be normal when Topo came back. He still took his time, showered for ages (…) and ate instant noodles. We finally got ready to go to the pub, and I started to feel social anxiety for meeting a bunch of sassy gays. I drank a CBD drink and we headed out. I felt confident yet quiet at the same time. After some small talk and two wines I was tipsy and found a company to talk about food, England and foraging etc.. So it was not bad, I think I said some inappropriate things but who cares. At 9pm I had a headache and we went home. Enough party lol.  

Instant pizza deluxe, Kath & Kim and slept. 

Ciao amore