Londinium MMXXII

Summer Blues

Nov 11, 2024

P!nk on Sunday in Hyde Park was amazing. She did all the hits and 3 cirque du soleil-esque stunts. When she did the aerial to Turbulence I cried so hard! It may have also been the cookie we ate that made the flow flow, but I was just too touched to have this experience, at sunset with 70,000 people!

Gwen Stefani, opening the show with a 1h set was euphoric, too, especially seeing her for the first time!

We had a great day in the heat of the park and I could indulge in my favorite pastime, fangirling my adored pop divas and getting lost in the music!

But the coming down on Monday was less like a glance through pink tinted glasses, and more a gray reality check. Somehow I was moody and cranky the whole week since, blaming it on the lack of sunshine. But still, it is summer, warm and I have plenty of free time… I felt empty and meaningless. What’s wrong with me? Now I can’t blame it on the dreadful winter, or the location or the dripping roof. It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me. When I took a stroll outside today to get fresh air and stop myself from watching addictive but trashy YouTube shorts, I lost the excitement about seeing the neighborhood or exploring something new. It all felt same same, and the people I encountered along the way had something weird or creepy about them. I couldn’t even find something to eat outside, so I ended up going home for a late lunch.

I realized that even back in Hong Kong during my last visit, I had this inertia and lack of motivation or purpose, even walking through my beloved old neighborhood. So was it not all about London in the end?

I really think I have to start working on my inner fitness, aka mental health and depression, again.

Last week I could not fall asleep for a few nights, when Topo already had passed out around 11. So I opened my Coronicles diary and read for like two hours.

It was astonishing that, even not that long ago, my mind was in a totally different space. And I was, somehow,…. cooler.

I was also not the happiest, and struggled through lock down, boredom and long distance. But what I wrote back then was more enlightened and smart than what I feel right now. I even had written down some meditation realizations that I could not even decipher here and now. Maybe I am just not reading and meditating enough? Or I am slowly frying my brain by the regular weed consumption? At least the last three days I felt like that, I could not even focus my attention and remember what I wanted to do a minute ago. I was trying to stay abstinent from MJ for a couple of days, and it felt like cold turkey. OK that’s a bit dramatic but emotionally I was a bit low.

So finally today I gave in and lit up the bong after my work and chores were done, and I could wash my hair with stinky fermented rice water and massage black castor oil in. I’ve been doing this ritual every hair wash now, trying to speed up my growth and promote thickness and fight grays.

I want my long hair back but I don’t have the patience. Every day I change my mind a few times between a full mane of curls like its 2021, or going back to hipster millennial twink side-fade-top-curly hair. Yesterday, the night before Topo left for Derbyshire today, we talked about our hair for an hour after midnight. lol.

We were fine these days, and he called me already from his room in the northern smalltown, where his first musical in the UK will premiere next week.

I feel ambivalent about it, thought I would enjoy the lonesomeness a bit more than I do. I didn’t really know what to do with myself today. But I think I will use this month quite well. To watch my guilty pleasure shows. To work out more. To write more diary entries and read more book(s). To drink wine and philosophize on the roof. To reconnect with myself.

Starting right now…

London, 28 6 2023
Poppies & Hobbies

Nov 5, 2024

It is still hot and dry in London. There was one tiny thunderstorm in the last two weeks, but other than that, it’s dry as a bone. The parks start turning brown again like a prairie. I also got quite dark by sunbathing on the roof on every occasion, without sunscreen! It just feels so good to melt under the heavy sun and just give in to the sizzling, dazing weight of the sun rays. This week I went biking once, and while riding through Haggerston Park, I just laid down in the grass, shirt off, and soaked up the sun. I was a bit stoned and felt even heavier than usual. As if I was sinking into the grass below me, turning one with the earth.

Basically I have been smoking weed daily this month, I can’t even remember when I last skipped a day. It feels good but also the magic has worn off a bit and now it becomes like a normal state. Hmmm.. Kinda like in our relationship. We are not excited anymore, not curious and fascinated by each other. More like expecting the next move, being disappointed when we were wrong and being aggravated when we are right. We feel a bit distant these days, from both sides, but nothing particularly happened. Sometimes I wonder if there is something that he is disappointed about in me, something that annoyed him or if I was neglecting or offensive. But maybe it is just like with Mary Jane, after the XXth time we are just not floating on cloud 9 anymore after a puff, not even cloud 5.

I catch myself making conversation out of pressure courteously. Like asking about work, staying attentive and giving at least some kind of feedback. But after we exchanged the schedules of unimpressive events of our days, there is not much left to say. It comes down to thinking about what to eat next, me cooking, sitting in the kitchen and deciding whether or not to watch something that night. Often he just lays at the sofa like an upside down frog and smiles at his phone, or we fall into some youtube hole that I opened and spiral into the oblivion of brainmatter depreciating content. All in all, not exciting or even satisfying.

I had some moments where I seduced him by just showing up after the shower and starting to make out, and we did have sex after. But it was always my initiative, and in between there is zero sexual tension, at least from him.

So the first euphoria of summertime and more light, more fun, more life, has started to ebb off, too, just like relationships and drugs. I catch myself being lethargic and moody again, even on the sunniest day, wearing the tiniest outfits and basking in the sun. Nothing is wrong, nothing feels right.

We are planning to travel to Europe in August, that should at least excite me, right?

The other day I was cycling or walking again, somewhere in Bow, and caught myself trying to get a glimpse of people’s homes by lurking into their windows. I am so fascinated with other people’s lives, what they do, how their homes look, what their hobbies may be. Where they head to when leaving their front door or who may be waiting for them at home. I would like to be invited, take a dip into their life, see more different ways of living. See more houses, talk more, or just hang out. Seems I am bored.

After all, I just realized I have a hobby, too. I like the rooftop garden a lot, spend every day there and watch my seedlings grow. The poppies I sowed last year are almost ready to harvest. The flowers I planted are in full bloom. Summer 2023 is here.

PS I bought tickets to See Pink and Gwen Stefani tomorrow at the Summer Carnival in Hyde Park. 140 pounds each. But I was craving for a thrill, entertainment, and people. Hope it’s worth it. Topo is going along but shows absolutely no excitement or interest in the event whatsoever. I brought him to a lot of shows already, and always paid for tickets. I wonder if he appreciates it, or thinks he’s doing me a favor by attending with me. In the end, I am the one who wants him to be there. Let’s see how tomorrow goes and if it is the last time I do so.

Btw I bought a (one) ticket to Wonderfruit in Thailand in December. OOps

There! I got another hobby! Going to shows and concerts and festivals! And traveling, another one! Whoop Whoop so busy lol.

London, 24 6 2023
Spontaneity

Nov 5, 2024

It still hasn’t rained in weeks. Well it rained once but that barely wetted the soil. It’s dry like in southern Europe here in the UK, and warm, finally since last week. I even got quite a tan from roasting on the rooftop a couple of times during this “work” week. It just feels so good! The heat on the skin, the relief when you feel a light breeze soothing it, the lethargy and heaviness it puts upon you, and the beautiful bronze tone that my skin has afterwards. I am a summer child at heart.

I also did more fun and spontaneous things lately, like riding the bike in the sunset, going to pubs or just grabbing take out. I just wanted to break out of the routine and feel more free and careless, it’s Summer after all! The summer has almost reached the peak already, with the nearing Summer solstice, and I already get fomo when I don’t spend every sunny minute or warm night outside, exploring.

Just like in my childhood, when all you wanted to do and did is soaking up every minute of this wonderful time of the year!

Today I went to Guillermo to take some pics of him in my swimwear for the website. We chilled in their beautiful garden and caught up on things, then did the sexy photoshoot and talked more about our relationships, dating, future planning and sex drive. I felt for the first time Guillermo had opened up and trusted me a bit more, also since we were alone and had time for it.

After an Aperol spritz and a few puffs of weed, I headed to Shoreditch to join my favorite teacher’s pilates class. Rach Lopez is the best instructor I ever had!

London, 16 6 2023
Dry spell

Oct 30, 2024

I just thought about writing and realized that it can be pretty dull or even tedious to just write about events and activities like in a log book. What is much more freeing for myself, and a way to release my feelings, is to truly write about THEM. What I feel, see, experience, think. Well I do that most of the time but I caught myself feeling obliged to detail every aspect of the day when there was a special occasion. Anyway, just do it.

Today was the first really warm day in England this year. Mind it is almost mid June and the daylight lasts till 10pm. But finally I could wear shorts, a tanktop and walk through the sunny streets listening to electro pop and Lana Del Rey. I was alone most of the day, finished work and felt tired, yet restless. The allergy made me really sleepy and lacking energy, but I had booked pilates and needed to head to Shoreditch. The streets are back to life, and a crazy mix of people is flocking outside to feel the summer. I feel the change of season and arrival of warm evenings, too. I am more spontaneous and a tiny bit more carefree than usual. I long for a reckless absorption of summer days and even more so, nights. I have a distant memory of the hot evenings in Vienna in August, and the sweet idle lethargy I felt there, despite being in emotionally difficult situations and also not having money.

Now I feel such emotions under the surface, ready to come out and manifest. Something like walking out at night, just to see what people are doing and if they are interesting. Having wine till midnight and hanging out on the roof. Eating ice cream every day and biking high through the quiet streets and neighborhoods. I am over 30 but that doesn’t stop me from feeling like a teenager coming of age.

It is harder to connect to it nowadays, though. What is it? After pilates, which turned out to be barre, I spontaneously bought a protein shake, and spontaneously walked to Brick Lane instead of home. I browsed the vintage stores for something “yellow” to update my summer wardrobe. But there was nothing to find. I didn’t get the usual emotion, and even Lana did not trigger me. Only the pollen did. I was sneezing non stop and felt the hay fever flare up like it was 1996.

I still spontaneously bought myself a salmon sandwich at Pret, but instead of eating it out on the streets, I felt the urge to come back home, to be ready, to organize myself and await Bo back home. So there was something that hindered that free falling feel of summer. A relationship. And it is not even the partner’s fault. I put it upon myself to become a domestic clockwork. To feel obliged to be at home before he does. To wait with eating until we are together.

I just noticed that it is a similar behavior as back then in Vienna with Giorgo. I never stayed out to cruise with friends or just float then either, always feeling an urge to be home by 7 the latest.

But what would be a healthy way out of this codependence? Maybe bit by bit reclaiming that freedom, like I did with my traveling habits? At first afraid to ask, then guilty to go, but now just booking first and then waving goodbye? Or do I have to talk about it and make a statement? I am just always afraid to cause some harm. Like the other day (yesterday) when Topo held my hand the entire time when we were going for a walk, to the supermarket etc.. and I just wanted to move around freely. Eventually I said I want my hand back, without any emotional attachment. He did not object or respond weirdly, but he walked around 2m from me for a while and his words got more sparse.

I actually did it again. The traveling part I mean. I re-booked the failed flight to Berlin to see Vitali in exchange for Malta! I’m gonna visit Margiela there in July, as she mentioned I could stay with her. I love it!! And who knows – maybe the carefree, light, exciting summer feel returns there, in the heat of the Mediterranean Sea…

London, 10 6 2023
Moselle

Oct 6, 2024
Last week I went on a spontaneous weekend with Loo and Juri in Frankfurt!

It was a bit complicated to arrange everything and find a time and place that accommodated the three of us, but eventually we reunited in Frankfurt, joined even by Chisandra, visiting FFM and Letizian, who touched down for a France trip with his parents. What are the odds? Two friends from Hong Kong book flights to Frankfurt individually and both land at 7 am, to meet their common denominator, me?!

Anyway, after a late brunch and Juri arriving with the rental car, the 3 main characters embarked on a road trip to the countryside.

Of course we had to stop over at Edeka to buy healthy groceries like fruit and nuts for the trip. No beers and chips here lol!

Juri drove, Loo slept in the back and I handled the playlist. Well sorta. Juri had a different music taste.

We passed by idyllic landscapes and finally arrived at our homestay at 5pm. The lovely host waited for us like a grandma for her grandkids. We got nice rooms and a very homey flair!

We explored the village and local fish-festival but moved on for dinner and drinks elsewhere. I was feeling very exuberant to be with my good, old friends, and to and to go on a roadtrip with a free heart and lightweight feel. We still got that chemistry, although we all changed, but there is a deep connection and trust with us.

Finding food for all of us was an unexpected issue, as I wanted scenic, rustic and German, but Juri longed for something vegetarian, healthy or vietnamese lol. So we skimmed all the villages for restaurants that serve more than meat and sausages, only to be told they were all fully booked.

In a nutshell, we were eating overpriced, mediocre food the whole Mosel trip. But the local Riesling was excellent! On the last day Juri had to return to Berlin, so Loo and I spontaneously let him drop us in Wiesbaden for one more night. I loved it! The spa town has a classy, almost Mediterranean flair and is kinda chic, and has plenty of nice restaurants! The last day we took a funicular to a Russian Orthodox church and the most magnificent public swimming pool I ever saw, maybe besides Krapfenwaldbad in Vienna, equally located on top of the vineyard hills, but rivalling it with a crystal clear pool and no screaming kids, and a Kiosk serving Riesling. (I had never thought of ordering drinks in the pool back in Austria though).

In the evening I had to head back to London, and finally arrived, after a 2h delay, at Midnight. Topo was already in bed and eager to tell me all about his first two days of rehearsal, while I was knackered, starving and zoning out. I was not asked anything about my trip.

The next day or later, I can’t remember, we had a fight that was quite severe with lots of petty references to things said and done long ago. I couldn’t stand it and doubted my own righteousness, so I apologized. Nevertheless the mood has been unstable ever since. And me going to Mighty Hoopla kinda tipped the scale.
When I was in HK I decided to go to the festival with Letizian and asked Topo to join, but he refused, saying he had a weird feeling when he even just hears the name Hoopla, and no good memory of the event last year. Yeah there was some drama in the very end, but that was not due to the occasion.

Anyway I accepted his decision and went with Letizian, but on the day of the event and after, Topo was really weird and standoffish, telling me he ‘wouldn’t want to talk about Mighty Hoopla and that I knew why’. Yesterday he watched something in the kitchen the whole evening, and when Letizian came home, he went straight into the bedroom without saying a word, leaving both me and my friend baffled and uncomfortable. I asked him why he went away and he had a few excuses.
- What do you want to do? (ehm… just hang out?)
- I have back pain
- Not a lot of space in the living room (when last week we sat here with 6 people)
I hate to use the word, but I feel gaslit, because whenever I call out some odd behavior like this, he makes me feel like I made this up in my head and that all his attitude was normal, explainable or my fault.

But he wouldn’t address what his issue really was, wanting me to figure it out by myself.

Ok let’s try: He is still traumatized by last year’s event, and feels insecure when I go to a gay event with lots of guys. He wishes I would show solidarity and also stay home this year. He didn’t like that I invited Letizian to stay over for 3 nights without asking for his consent. He wants to be asked more about his work and feelings. He didn’t like that I went grocery shopping alone and said I don’t need him to go to Tesco with me, only for him to go there alone right after.

All of this is true, and all of this I would do with a clear conscience. I feel so guilt tripped and emotionally blackmailed in this situation that it makes it hard for me to even say a normal sentence when he comes home soon, without sounding off, or hearing my own voice breaking.

Besides that I got tons of work for Ampheum, and every day they have new ideas and requests. Now that all my trips have concluded, I also don’t have a next milestone in front of me, and the English summer has so far not shown up with high temperatures, making me feel like the cold season has lasted for the last 8 months. Sigh.

I should talk about it, Keesha says so, everyone would say so. I would tell myself that a few years from now looking back. But the fear of confrontation, denial and conflict make me just wait for it to go away.

Let’s see what happens tonight. Letizian is still here. We should have dinner together or something. Act normal. Or awkward. Not my favorite moment.

London, 06 6 2023
Non-romantic dinner for two

Aug 20, 2024

I touched down at 6:21 at Heathrow Airport, and it took another 2 hours to get back home in East London. I was super tired and even napped on the tube a few times. At the same time I was nervously anticipating the reunion.

It was a happy moment, and I was quite blown away by the corridor decoration Topo did during my absence, including other little tweaks and add-ons that I all discovered in the next few hours.

I was overwhelmed, but positively!

Later we went to the bedroom to cuddle and fool around, but to my disappointment Topo did not feel the same excitement, passion and boner that I did. He was quite aloof and distant, and it made me feel really insecure. He said because he was tired, but I just came off an 18h journey through the night and still felt passionate…

We went on with the day, and I actually had to call Queenie and the others in the car in Germany, and do quite some work. Later we ate an edible and went for an extensive walk. We both were eager to share some stories about our experiences during the last 4 weeks. But suddenly Topo became very quiet, and answered very monosyllabically. I felt that the chemistry had turned 180. We walked home and he did not wanna talk about it ‘under influence’, and suggested we do something individually and not talk. He closed the salon door and slept.

Meanwhile I emptied my luggage and cleaned up all my stuff, and cooked dinner. We ate it in silence.

I took a photo of the beautiful pasta, as he didn’t do it this time. Unlike the last two nights, when he posted his creation on IG with the caption ‘non romantic dinner for one’… twice.

At first I was happy to be back. I thought it looked more inviting now in a different light, in the sunny days of late April. But the weather outside is still cool, windy and gray. The leaves have not fully sprouted back. And the hurt feelings that were left behind when I embarked on my 4 weeks journey have not healed meanwhile. I am starting to wonder if it is London that gives me a hard time, or the relationship itself.

Discombobulated once again.

London, 26 4 2023
Joi gin!

Aug 18, 2024

The time has come to say good-bye to Asia and return to my other life in London. I am actually looking forward to going back and seeing Topo now, and feel my tasks and purpose of my visit have reached or even exceeded their maximum outcome.

To be honest the last couple of days I just did not have the energy to fully enjoy or utilize the city, as my body just could not keep up with my ambition. I woke up with a horrendous tummy ache the other night and could not really eat or do much since then. The weather was also not giving, cool and rainy. Nevertheless I had a good time with my friends, especially coming over to Letizian, eating his home cooked meals and watching The White Lotus together.

The nights in the airbnb were a bit weird, not feeling at home and a bit uncomfortable there. The initial euphoria that I felt right after landing had fizzled out over the 12 days, and I think I can conclude that there would be no way to return and continue where I had left off during my prime time on my lemon roof.

Probably at that moment some conditions or stars had been just aligned rightly, and created this special mood. Or maybe I am delusional and all this halcyon magic only exists in my nostalgic memory of a time and place that lies in the past.

I have also made plans for the summer and Autumn, to travel and see my friends again in other parts of the world. I shared some of my deeper thoughts and feelings with them, and just saying it out and opening up helped me to not be afraid of whatever is ahead of me. I will see both Letizian and Loo in Europe in June, and already look forward to returning to Hong Kong in the near future.

Today I even managed to suddenly book an appointment to replace my HKID, and went to Sham Shui Po to get it done. Loo will pick it up for me later. It feels good to have my “entry ticket” to Hong Kong back, physically, and knowing this will always be a familiar, hectic and safe haven for me.

See you in London xoxo

Hong Kong Airport, 25 4 2023
Mind Fuck

Aug 7, 2024

It has been over a week since I landed in Hong Kong, and time here flies. It has been a bit of a rollercoaster ride. Right now I am in my Airbnb on Hollywood Road, with a big window right above Dacha restaurant, bright street lights glaring in and being as close to the epicenter of the city as never before.

It has been raining on and off the last couple of days and I have struggled to get my energy levels up in order to engage with the city 100%.

The first three nights at Aluna’s revolved a bit around the cat, as he needed extra care and attention, and I needed extra time to get rid of his hair on my clothes and bedsheets. I went to Lamma Island with Sai Lo and Susan on Saturday, reminiscing the good old times with winter days in the mild sun of my favorite Island. It was quite busy and getting hot, so we headed back. Also I had dinner plans with Letizian, and after having a drink on the roof of my old flat, we headed out for Masa Sushi. Later we returned home and ate a special gummy, before heading out to Quality Goods Club for a house/tribal event. It had a steep entrance fee and was not bad, some circuit gays were there besides the rather straight and corporate crowd. I bumped into Nishta. I did not really feel the gummy at all. I really feel exhausted sometimes and just have to drag my ass home and lie down. I am also lying down right now as I am writing, but also there is no space for a chair in this tiny room.

Anyways I had the munchies and grabbed a sandwich from Seven Eleven, and when I hit the mattress the weed finally kicked in. I had a good sleep.

The following day I went to south bay beach with Letizian, to catch some sun and a swim in the ocean. It was pretty nice, and more convenient than my previous plan to go to Tai Long Wan. I really could not get myself to do that route.

That was also the last sunny day, so my tan lines from Bali started to fade away.

Monday was the last day at Aluna’s, as they came back in the evening. I caught up with Loo for coffee, and we exchanged our experiences of the last year. I start to get tired of telling everyone how London is, and by doing so being negative and complaining. That’s why I have had enough of catch-ups for now, as I don’t wanna share my dilemma anymore but also don’t want to act like I was living my dream life there.

Although I will still catch up with Tammy and Sepp&Steve on the weekend.

At night I moved in with Letizian at my old place. It was exciting, nostalgic and cute in theory. But in reality it might have been not the best idea. It was just messing with my mind to walk up, open the door, and to see all my previous belongings that I seemingly abandoned, now belonging to someone else. I just realized what I gave up and being catapulted back into the same place really conjured up flashbacks and moments of regret.

My cute suede slippers were still standing outside, and he offered me to wear them… like, my own slippers. And when I said that they were actually quite nice, he asked “you want them BACK” in disbelief.

It just felt weird. And in the daytime, when he was out at work, and I stayed there, it felt even weirder.

It was nice, but I could not really enjoy it and was feeling a lump in my chest, wishing I could turn back time.

Sleeping on the very thin and 40cm narrow camping air mattress on the tiled floor, under the AC, was excruciating at nighttime, and although I did not expect anything else, offering me to share the bed would have been a nice gesture. My bed….

Now I sound all salty and bitter, but actually I feel no spite for Letizian at all. I am happy he enjoys this place so much and can live his grown-up fantasy with my starter-kit. It is more some resentment towards myself for making, once again, unreasonable decisions solely based on emotion and attraction.

The following days I tried to schedule as many events and meet ups as possible, and to use my consumption voucher for massage and facial bookings, as well as shopping for HK specific stuff. I could make good use of my coupons, but also my suitcase is bursting full. No chance I can go to New Territories to pick up my old belongings this time, which I somehow regret and makes me feel a bit uneasy. The extra luggage is just too expensive.

Topo is in Birmingham now for three days for a campaign shoot, and I am happy for him to have a job opportunity, a chance to travel and some excitement. But he started to post weird thirst traps on IG, and keeps using innuendos in his captions. (“Huge pillars that make his palms sweat”, like wtf). Guess he wants some attention and is horny. He never sends me nudes tho lol.

On the other hand he asks me to ‘Fai D come back’ all the time. So that’s what I’m gonna do – come back in 5 days.

I’m discombobulated.

Hong Kong, 21 4 2023
Home Kong

Jul 30, 2024

I left Bali in a flood of rain, the car took two hours to the airport and was plowing through the waves on the street. The flight was smooth, besides the crew asking me if I would swap my window seat for an aisle seat… I was not keen, but when they mentioned the word “wheelchair” I thought I had no choice. Secretly I hoped my altruism would be rewarded with an upgrade to business class. But no, I was punished by being seated with two domestic helpers taking care of two spoiled Korean toddlers, one of which was terrorizing the plane with screams.

The words of Topo were still on my mind, and now that I was approaching Hong Kong, their meaning was inevitably going to manifest somehow. Would I want to stay in HK forever and go back to my old life?

I kept myself busy with watching a movie and reading, and soon we approached the promised (is)land.

Already the view of Macau-Zhuhai bridge triggered a familiar warm buzzing in my tummy. Touchdown.

The arrival was smooth and quick, and despite not having my cherished HKID with me, I immigrated fast and without questions. Soon I was sitting in the airport express, heading towards the center of my former life.

I grabbed a taxi and told the driver “gin dou tsat sap tsat”. The feeling as we drove through central and up on Cotton Tree Drive was exuberant and moving.

But first I had to meet with a girl who would hand over the key to Aluna & Karl’s apartment and explain the cat care. The place is in mid levels, only a stone’s throw from Loo’s home. She briefed me quickly, but I could not wait to be alone and to immerse myself in the feeling of just being here. The kitty was happy to see humans and needy for attention and caring. But he would have to wait, because I first headed out to walk down to Letizian and my old flat in Central.

As I moved down Soho through the warm, mild air, the familiar smell and the streets that I had walked hundreds of times, I had a big grin on my face and couldn’t believe I was here. It felt like I had just been dreaming for a while, and now woke up and found myself in the “real world” again.

Then the moment had come: I reached my old building and keyed in the door code. The staircase was like ever, and every stop climbing up higher I felt strangely as if I had just gone out and came back to my home. I felt moved, happy and overwhelmed by this emotion.

Letizian opened and I stepped into his place, that used to be mine so dearly. After being reunited and exchanging greetings, I studied the whole room, the improvements, the changes, but much more the remaining unchanged facets that I had memorized so well. I just realized how many things I had just abandoned and left for my friend to use. The new bed, the kitchen ware, fancy bluetooth speaker, and even my chic suede slippers for the roof.

It kinda made it apparent under what force and urgency I had left – no time to think, no holding on to possessions or to a convenient status quo. I had left it all behind, and now I felt like being too close to having it back, only to realize it was not mine any longer. I am not talking about the material value, but the emotion attached to it.

I returned back to the cat and tried to get some rest, but the furball kept me up all night, meowing, scratching the door or licking my face and biting my feet.

Yet I felt very excited when I woke up early in the morning, to go out and follow my old footsteps in my neighborhood. I had breakfast at Lan Fong Yuen, and when the owners and staff saw me, they were delighted and surprised, and the lady with the wrist bandages still remembered my special order to a t! I felt welcomed back. But this first day was not only for pleasure, but work, as I had to visit the office in Tsuen Wan to show face and good will. And I was a little bit thrilled to dress up and to go to an actual office and have a conversation with the staff.

It was ok, but after 4 or 5 hours I could not focus and sit any longer, so I headed home. I have outgrown office work.

Since then I have been walking around my beloved city with joy and melancholy, as it seems I have to decide whether The 852 would be considered back on the menu or if it was only a visit accompanied by nostalgic feelings. I give myself the entire 12 days to figure it out.

xoxo

Hong Kong, 16 4 2023
Letting go

Jul 25, 2024

Ubud, Bali, 12 04 2023

I had my last dinner in Ubud with Aluna’s mom. We went to the family run warung again that I tried to get a table for the last three days.

The family of my homestay dressed up today and headed to the temple, leaving me alone with their dogs who were seeking my company meanwhile. Now it’s raining and I am in my room, open terrace doors and the soothing sound of rain on tropical leaves.

Earlier today I went for a short hike on the ridge, and had a homemade pineapple juice at another family compound. To my own embarrassment I had forgotten my wallet and could not pay the 1 Euro for the drink. I apologized and promised I would come back and pay. Eventually I was smart enough to call a Grab bike and ask the driver driver to borrow me 20k IDR to pay the kind lady, and reimburse him once he dropped me off with his scooter. Why do I always get myself in such situations? Haha. Two days ago I forgot my phone at a local restaurant and noticed it a while later, luckily finding it safely at the restaurant kept by the owners.

People here seem mostly genuine and not looking for their own advantage. I guess it is their Hindu religion and concept of karma that makes them more virtuous people, and they always have a kind smile on their faces.

Well today I was also almost ripped off, when a market lady asked for 850k for a seashell decoration, when I knew it should be around 300k. I bought it for 220 eventually.

I like Ubud, but I would even stay in a more quiet area, family style, next time, to fully withdraw from the tourist craze and be more in tune with the place.

I was so annoyed and turned off by tourists’ behavior at the monkey sanctuary, Russians and other nations being total pricks, removed from nature, disrespectful and flat out dumb. I hate people.

Sometimes I text Topo about my experiences, and while I am trying to not rub it under his face that I am on an extended workation and living my best live, I still feel like sharing my very significant and positive encounters.

He just replied asking if I “found my calling now, I was never going to leave and stay there forever”. I understand he is a bit insecure about me leaving for so long, but I was only trying to share something beautiful. He never called me so far during my trip, even I offered it, and that after the non-amicable goodbye and this statement are signs that he tries to imagine or figure out a life without me.

I did not get upset, really, just a bit baffled, and replied that “Bali is not forever, just to appreciate and let go”. A metaphor?

Tomorrow comes the most emotional part of my journey: HONG KONG

Ubud, Bali, 12 04 2023