Category: Struggles abroad

Insomnia

Jul 17, 2024

Balestier, Singapore 29 3 2023

I am in my tiny room at the shabby Fragrance Hotel in Balestier, Singapore. It’s 5am and I can’t sleep. Is it the jet lag and time zone confusion that’s keeping me awake, or the aftermath of the relationship problems that is creating an underlying feeling of anxiety? Maybe both.

Either way, I had a great welcome to Merlion City! My friend Kau, from my memorable trip to Myanmar six years ago, picked me up from the airport and went to dinner with me! It was so nice to see a familiar face and have unproblematic talk and company. We ate Hainan Chicken Rice and some soursop at the hawker market.

The tropical warmth of the night, the abundance of affordable food and exotic flavors, there is just this humming of opportunity in the air that excites me about Asia! We caught up on a lot of topics and views of the world, and I felt very open, attentive and not timid at all. I am just observing myself here, when I am in my most natural state, and I have to say I don’t feel or see any of the awkwardness, weirdness or shyness that Topo pointed out in me on many occasions in London. I am fine!

I write this because I just recalled the situation with my friend Chisandra in London, that I never wrote down but that is a pivotal moment in how comfortable or uncomfortable I feel in my relationship.

So in January or February I wanted to go to barre class on a Friday night and meet Chisandra for dinner afterwards. Because I wanted to include Topo, I asked him to join us for dinner and get to know my friend. I also told Chisandra about it, and she seemed a bit nervous about this kind of encounter, as she only knew of him from my stories.

Anyway the day came and Topo picked me up from the gym. We walked to a Thai restaurant that we tried before near Liverpool street, where Chisandra was waiting already.

We said hi and I introduced them, at the Restaurant entrance amidst people and staff moving about, while waiting for our table. Eventually we were seated and I tried to bridge the new conversation, catching up on things with her, studying the menu, suggesting dishes and getting the waiter’s attention. It was quite stressful. Eventually we started to warm up and talked, Chisandra being very interested in our life, relationship and dynamic. She asked a lot of questions! One of them was about cooking and who eats what, and if it was a problem that I was mostly vegetarian etc. I was happy to share and said it was fine, as Topo eats everything and is not picky!

Later, back in our “comfort zone”, the kitchen, with weed, Topo started to reflect on the evening, and to analyze and to dissect how it went. He found that I was really awkward with her, like with an ‘auntie’, a relative, and not very close. That the way I talked was distant and weird.

I explained that it seems quite natural, as the two of them did not know each other, and I tried to bring it all together, while also being a host and ordering etc. And that he had said the same about Aluna and me when he met her, despite us being very close and emotionally connected like brother and sister.

He asked why I was like this and if it was something that happened in my childhood, and if I planned to do something about it!

He sounded really condescending, almost pitying me, and made me feel like something was wrong with me and the way I approach friendships.

I said that I don’t wanna do something about it, I just accept it, and my friends do too, because I grew up to live with this side of me without feeling sorry about being an introvert anymore.

Then he remarked that it made HIM uncomfortable and that he felt bored there.

My heart started to pound in my chest. Wasn’t it his problem if he felt bored?

The ground of his negative disposition was another, as it seems, when he further complained that I made it sound so easy in front of Chisandra, to cook and eat together without meat, and just assumed that he would be fine with it. While actually he wanted to eat meat and sacrificed this for me, and I did not acknowledge or appreciate that in front of her. Again, he was adjusting and I was not thankful.

Eventually he said maybe he would hang out with her again, or maybe just me and her alone.

I was really hurt by this and, of course, could not share my reaction with him as he would go ballistic again. I kinda sucked it up. But when another time to hang out with Chisandra in the co-working space came up, and he suggested joining us, I said no. No no no!

Back to Singapore.

After Kau left, I did not want to go to my soulless hotel room immediately, so I was wandering around for a bit, and I felt so blessed and thankful that I am able to experience this! Such a crazy feeling, after what still IS a gruelling journey, to be walking on the streets in a different part of the world, and just being there, existing!

I got most excited when I saw all the food options that I can’t wait to try tomorrow! So I went to my room, took a well deserved shower and washed the last 24h off my body.

Eventually I got a message from Topo “How’s” Singapore?” which I did not reply to. I just can’t get my head around how someone does not even say good-bye or wish me a good trip or at least look at me before I leave for one month, and then casually texts ‘how it is’.

So I switched off my phone, ignoring it, and leaving it for tomorrow to deal with.

I fell asleep exhaustedly after reading a few lines of “Quiet”, only to wake up at 3:30am with the events of the last few days creeping up from the unconsciousness, sneaking into my dreams.
I tried several things to make myself sleepy, but here I am, wide awake, when it is just about to be bedtime according to my inner clock based on London time. A tiny ant just ran across my screen, there are plenty of them in my room.

After meditating for a bit, I just accepted this state I am in and embraced whatever is coming. I want to enjoy the moment here and forget about any conflicts, and I think I have the right to do so after how he behaved in the end.

On the other hand I know I cannot hide or run away from a conversation that is inevitable and very likely to happen within the next few days. I just did not feel ready for it tonight.

So I started planning my day for tomorrow, and first priority is the hawker center nearby to indulge in breakfast treats. It opens at 6am, which is in half an hour. Tempted lol.

Later I will try to get a haircut, as I am not fully supportive of my kinda-mullet-hairstyle. I think a cleaner neck will go better with the new Gucci shades I bought in a moment of emotional instability at London airport while waiting for my flight.

Back to Kau, and his story. He got married 4 years ago in Yangon and he and his wife decided to take the leap to go to Singapore. And although their life is tough, work is hard and money is not enough, they are hopeful and adventurous, thinking about trying it in the San Francisco Bay area next. And if all fails, they can always count on their family and go back to. (Although the political situation in Myanmar is absolutely sad and tragic right now.)

My takeaway is that you gotta believe in the good, take some risks and be open for change.

I want to be like this. I am actually. Free your heart.

Good night / good morning

I could not fall asleep eventually and it was suddenly 7am, after reading all my old gloomy blog posts and traumatizing stories.. Why torture myself in bed with dark thoughts when the city is waking up outside with vibrant nature and markets?
The hawker center had my beloved Kaya toast and milk tea and soft boiled eggs, and all the cute old uncles and aunties ate with me. Later I joined them at the outdoor gym, doing a little workout, pull ups and stuff. It feels so good to be here!

My life force is flickering up fiercely, gaining momentum and power. Even with 3 hours of sleep and with an 18h journey in my bones. I still can’t fall asleep, so I decided to get ready and go downtown!

What you waiting for?
No Good-bye

Jul 15, 2024

Heathrow Airport – 28 March 2023

I’m at Heathrow Airport now, at the gate, ready to take off to Singapore via Helsinki.

I need to write down what happened in the last two days. It’s quite emotional, but I’m afraid I won’t believe my own biased, constantly changing, and gap-filled memory of the events and actions that took place when I try to recall them after traveling through Southeast Asia.

Last weekend was nice—biking, eating homemade chocolate, and watching The White Lotus. Topo was busy practicing for an audition on Sunday, so I just let him be and took care of my own things, like work, packing for a month of traveling, and finally re-writing the letter to our landlord, explaining the conditions under which we would renew our lease, which has a deadline in April. I kept it short and brief, asking for the next step and mentioning that we would keep deducting 100 pounds monthly until the roof was fixed (not mentioning that I had partly fixed it myself and the dripping had stopped).

Later, we smoked up and watched something, and suddenly it was midnight. I wanted to avoid another day of delay for her to respond, so I suggested we look at the email together in bed and send it out. Nothing seemed odd about that. I took the initiative to write it and, of course, send it with his consent.

At first, Topo said just send it, but I really wanted him to look over it first. After he skimmed it, he was very surprised and a bit negative about how I had left out “all the other problems” and given in so easily. The other problems were the kitchen hood, which we had already discussed with Lisa previously, and the moths in the bedroom.

Since we were both a bit on edge, I can’t exactly remember how it heated up, but basically, I had to explain why I had changed my mind and accepted all the problems in the flat. He argued that it was because I was in a rush, hurrying because I would be traveling soon. I said that I always thought the email was too lengthy before, and there was no need to mention all the previous damages or repairs that had been fixed by now. And that the water damage could not be repaired inside until the roof was fixed.

After explaining my intentions for this email, he said, “OK, send it!” But I still wanted to make sure he was totally agreeing, because I didn’t want to hear complaints later. He clearly was not happy with my draft, as he said many times that we might have to live with the damage for another whole year and bear the cost of the dehumidifier and heating. I said I could put the kitchen hood in the email if he wanted or ask for even lower rent. He became very angry. “I already said send it!!! I won’t be complaining later, I’m OK with it!” But I wanted his opinion reflected in the email. “You’re trying to force me to give you my opinion!” etc.

Eventually, he said something along the lines of, “That’s why I always wanted to talk about it and brought it up many times, but you never share your opinion, and I don’t know your agenda.” You never this, you always that…

This really triggered me. Instead of focusing on now and getting it done, he brought up that I was holding the process back because I never wanted to do it or didn’t say what I wanted. Basically blaming me for it.

He spoke very agitatedly, with wild gestures, in a very aggressive tone, loud and fast. I deliberately tried to stay totally calm, but I could feel my hands shaking already.

I said that I am actually a doer, and instead of only talking about doing something and mentioning “we have to… we should…” I actually do it. Like fixing the roof, or the salon door, or writing that email. And that is what I really feel! I don’t talk about it for weeks; I’d rather get to it.

Then he dished out that he only wants to follow me and adjust to my schedule, the old story, and that he can also do things alone! Like he doesn’t have to have breakfast with me when it suits me (the breakfast that I cook for BOTH of us), and he never knows my schedule. Or if he is practicing, he could ignore me the whole day. ARGGGHHH! For a year I have been getting up, sending some emails and reports at 9 am, and making breakfast after, including for him, meanwhile, he could get up, shower, and join the breakfast. Never would I think he feels forced to do any of that, nor has he ever taken the initiative to make breakfast for me, or asked me?! And whenever I do not cook, his only way is to order delivery or to fry stinking pork bellies for only himself. He is just helpless and follows me and is angry about himself being like this! … a rant on the side…

Then he went crazy, saying I accuse him, I attack him, I blame him, and just started fighting.

Eventually, there was nothing left to say, and after trying to calm myself down, we went to bed.

The next morning, I sent the email. He didn’t speak to me or look at me the whole day. He started doing what he hinted at earlier—doing everything on his own terms in a passive-aggressive, selfish way. Frying burgers and eating alone, refusing to eat what I cooked, always leaving the room when I was there and going somewhere else. He even started to smoke cigarettes, I think, as he went to the roof quite often suddenly. He behaved very hostilely.

tbc…

Helsinki – 28 March 2023

I’ve landed at Helsinki Airport. It is so much cleaner and more modern than London. The toilets smell of apple-cinnamon and have birds singing. Even the aircraft was brand new and super sleek. But water costs 4 Euros at the airport bar…

I watched Don’t Worry Darling on the flight, and it was quite disturbing. At moments, I was not really able to follow, as my emotions are still raw and hazy from the departure from Bethnal Green.

To continue what went down on Sunday night… Basically, the whole Monday we avoided each other and smoked up in the kitchen alternately. Eventually, we slept, and there was some hugging during the night, which made me feel like we had moved on. But it was probably unconscious body movements, sleep-drunk and not aware. Because this morning the hide-and-seek went on. When I said good morning, he ignored me and looked away. I made some food, but he did not join. He danced around the flat until I left the kitchen and spent the rest of the day in the bathroom. I got everything ready for my departure and asked him what he was doing today, even suggesting we go to a tailor together to alter his pants for the Awards. But he turned me down, saying he’ll work it out by himself.

Later, he came to the kitchen. He said he was super stressed and that he could not talk about what happened as he did not have the capacity to say it, but could also not act like nothing had happened. And that if he talked now, he wouldn’t know where this conversation would lead, and he didn’t want to ruin my trip. He needed to be alone.

… what had happened that made him treat me like a horrible person? I criticized him? I said he has to take initiative sometimes? That was enough to trigger a downward spiral so severe that he drops such a bomb before my departure for a month without actually dropping the bomb, but just hinting at it?! What the fuck.

Eventually, the time had come for me to head to the airport, and there was absolutely nothing holding me back at home any longer. I went to the kitchen where he sat burning some sage, as if to clear the space from my spirit and presence.
I said I have to leave now. No reaction. I said, don’t you want to say good-bye? He said he can’t, while refilling the lighter with gas, staring straight ahead.
I said, “Take care then,” and left, feeling empty and flustered. I recollected myself on the one-hour tube ride to the airport, and I felt a glimpse of hope within myself as I listened to the lyrics.

No one’s gonna feel the pain for you
You’re gonna love again, so just try staying open,
And when the time comes, you’ll fall
Your dreams and inner vision
All your mystical ambitions,
They won’t let you down
Do your best to trust all the rays of light
Everybody wants the best for you
But you’ve gotta want it for yourself

I have to take care of my feelings now. Heal and get stronger.

Somewhere above Malaysia – 29 March 2023

I see islands and meandering rivers and clouds. The sun is beaming into the aircraft, giving a preview of what is to come in the coming weeks. Warmth, light, hope. It is the longest flight I’ve ever taken, and I was in a state of blur most of the time. I watched a movie about a woman who retreats into the Rocky Mountains to be alone in the woods, fighting for survival and finding a way to get back to life. I am her. I just want to do the tasks and notice my surroundings more, be where I am. I slept a while, had dreams, until my phone alarm woke me (and other passengers?) up.

It feels like I traveled much further than these 12,000 kilometers, as I am in a completely different time, space, and hopefully mood soon. I have to detach from the negativity that I was confronted with when I left, and not identify with

it or internalize it. I have to learn to make the choice of what I want to think and feel.

Above the clouds… free… far away.

Fly!!!

6:43 pm
Touchdown
Bend and Break (or Snap)

Jul 1, 2024

London, 26 March 2023

Early March, we celebrated our two-year anniversary since our first date. I booked a high tea and brought flowers. Topo didn’t seem to remember; at least he didn’t make any gesture until I put a photo of us with a text next to the flowers. He said, “Yeah, it’s two years already,” as if he had remembered, but it was clear he had not.

Either way, the outcome was disappointing: if he remembered like he pretended, it was sad that he made no effort despite that. And if he had forgotten the date, then he forgot an important day.

Anyway, the tea was not good.

It’s March after all, and I became more hopeful with the longer days and warmer temperatures. Not really warm, actually, still kind of like winter. But at least there is a sea of flowers in the parks.

Still, we were quite tense last month, and sometimes when we get high, we become quite intense and agitated. One night, we came home and smoked in the kitchen. Topo became really obsessed and excited about a topic or theory (a typical stoner epiphany thing). He started gesticulating fiercely and kept asking, “Right? Do you agree?” until I grabbed his hand to calm him down, asking him to speak softer and not so agitated. I, on my part, was not buying into his idea that every human has the same level of inherent morality, which was his thesis. That totally made him mad, and he left the room, scrolling through his Instagram feed robotically, like he always does when he’s upset and angry at me.

I followed him, wanting to stay calm and get over it, but suddenly I felt a very strong rage and energy boiling up in me. I opened the door and erupted. I vented everything I wanted to say, attempting to debunk the old “I adjust to YOU all the time” tale. I went too far when I screamed, “I fucking hate London; I am only here for you.” This was my snap. I felt both bad and good, or better, relieved after that, but it also caused a massive crisis in him. He immediately questioned our future and asked me to decide whether or not to renew our lease, demanding I tell him ASAP.

Of course, I took five steps back and tried to comfort him and soothe the situation, but we were like strangers for at least two days after that, slowly getting closer again.

Then Veronica arrived, and the whole weekend was about her or us, doing things, eating, going to the theatre (a sleazy cheesy “Dirty Dancing”), and biking through East London. We had a good time, but I was also exhausted afterwards from constantly being “on” or in communication mode. I need time off sometimes.

But right after that, I had to start preparing for my great trip to the East! I’m flying to Singapore in two days, later heading to Bali, and eventually back to Hong Kong. I am shocked at how fast this event came up and feel both exhilarated and scared at the same time. Not really scared, like fearful, but a bit uncertain about the emotions of separation, abandonment, guilt, bliss, and longing for the distance.

It will be a good time. I will work on my inner world and well-being. And my outer shell, by tanning at the beach, lol…

My suitcase is kind of packed—nice clothes for the wedding and social events, and a few shorts for yoga in Ubud. Let the adventure begin…
Hippokrates

Jun 26, 2024

London, February 24, 2023

I was swept away by emotions today while watching the last episode of The Crown. Prince Charles went to Hong Kong with Britannia in 1997 to hand it back over to China. Seeing that moment and knowing its impact on the present and future of the city made it so emotional. Familiar images of my second home flashed by, conjuring feelings of longing for a time and place in a fantasy.

Just now, looking back at old Instagram videos of me on my lemon rooftop with long, wild hair and boundless ambition, I am overcome with homesickness and yearning. I looked so happy, self-sufficient, content, and confident. Now, I feel like a little bag of bones, curled up on the sofa, staring out into the cold British night.

But my big trip to Bali and my return to Hong Kong are approaching fast. The excitement and anxiety are overwhelming.

On another note, I went to barre class today. It was as intense as usual and serves as my little escape into an imagined metropolitan lifestyle—going downtown to work out with all the bankers and lawyers from Liverpool Street. Also, my body is pretty much ripped now.

Recently, we’ve had a lot of fights or just weird vibes. After returning from Morocco—oh yes, Morocco!—we had a big fight at the airport and stopped talking for a week. Since then, it has been awkward, with me walking on eggshells to avoid any blunders and contradictions.

The other day, I made a joke in the bathroom about saving our face-washing water in the sink to flush the toilet. We were high, too. He called me a hypocrite. (Weeks earlier, I had smirked and said it was cute when he wanted to use the water from his thermo bottle to water plants. He didn’t get that I was laughing at the proportion of his effort—being fine with taking three long showers a day, wasting hundreds of liters of hot water, or rinsing a single glass in the sink for two minutes, but caring about 800ml of waste water from a rubber bottle.)

Those little jabs, constantly seeking contradictions in what I say and exposing me as a fraud, make me so unhappy. I can’t fall asleep at night. Little things start to annoy me to the point of rage.

Next week, I will go to the coworking space Hanbury Hall again with my newly reunited friend Chisandra. Just to dress up, get out of the house, and pretend to live a social working life. It’s nice, though, close to all the shops on Brick Lane.

It’s almost midnight on this Friday night. Yay! At home, writing this, and then going to bed. Topo is already asleep. He woke up at six the whole week. Tomorrow, he has a lot of teaching to do. I will go out for a walk, have a coffee, find a moment, an escape…

Nacht nacht xoxo
Existential Vertigo

Jun 26, 2024

London, January 17, 2023

I can’t feel myself anymore.
I zone out, becoming an actor—a puppet—in my own show,
a show I am no longer directing.
My passions, self-reflection, ambition, and interests
have vanished.
At the Graveyard

Jun 21, 2024

London, 13 January 2023

Today, I finally saw the sun. It was one of those days with an icy blue sky, small white clouds floating swiftly, and a cool wind despite the sunshine.

I headed out and walked east, past Mile End Park, to a new corner of Bow that I had never explored before. It was surprisingly lovely, groomed, and livable. As I wandered around, I found an old cemetery that had been turned into a park. There were hundreds, maybe thousands, of old graves and tombstones dating back to the early 20th or even the 19th century. All were abandoned, withered, covered in moss, and crooked, overtaken by the forest. This created a stunning and mystical atmosphere, enhanced by the pot I smoked earlier. Yellow daffodils were blossoming in January, and ironically, in a place of death, they were the most prominent sign of spring and life. I spent a while there absorbing the atmosphere, dreaming, and reflecting.

I recalled yesterday’s meditation, which spoke about a “mood tunnel” we can find ourselves in. If we see the world through the mind’s eye in a negative state, everything appears repulsive, depressing, and dark. Today, I tried to see things as they really are, and I found some beauty in this experience, in my day, and in my existence, which had become increasingly stagnant in recent weeks.

Or was it just the sunshine that triggered my endorphins and dopamine to kick in a bit more? Am I in a chemical imbalance due to the lack of light?

I stayed out until sunset, savoring every minute of daylight I could, and then returned home. It was much easier to bear the looming darkness and heavy blanket of long nights this way.

I hope I can retain some awareness of my mood tunnel. Or perhaps I can journey down another mood tunnel, one filled with weed, sunshine, and graveyards—the bright tunnel that I can fall down like a rabbit hole. I just wish the good tunnel was a bit longer and less delusional.
It’s Written in the Stars

Jun 19, 2024

London, 07 January 2023

Sometimes your intuition knows what the right thing to do is or what is inevitably coming ahead. Even though we tell ourselves stories to distract, deflect, and dodge the question.

Today, I went to the Buddhist Centre for lunchtime meditation. It was good — hard, with my mind wandering and back aching — but good. I spoke to Kiran afterward, a shy journalist who volunteers there every Saturday.

Afterward, I walked through the streets in the gray, wet cold and returned home to smoke pot.

I had this realization: no matter what my actions are now, everything in me will lead to the future I am supposed to live. Even through sideways and crossing different paths, it will still manifest itself one way or another.

I am resistant and resilient and have been for a long time, but I will eventually reach a point of no return that leads the way.

For now, I’ve decided I am a digital nomad, stranded in London, making the best of my time. That was the other all-so-clear realization I had in the meditation room: make EVERY breath count, open your eyes, ears, and heart, and live this moment! For it is this moment only that exists.
One Resolution

Jun 14, 2024

London, 02 January 2023

Happy New Year! 2023 sounds awfully futuristic, like something out of a 90s movie with flying cars and meals in pill form. Yet, here we are, still in London, cold and dark. Actually, today there was some sunshine, and I spent time in Weaver Fields, just wandering around Bow. I try to soak up as much daylight as I can before it turns into nautical twilight at 4 PM.

We spent New Year’s Eve at John and Guillermo’s with just one other friend. It was very quiet and family-like, almost intimate, yet there was still some distance between the four of us that hasn’t thawed yet. There was beautiful food and drinks, a little firework display, and some brief talk about New Year’s resolutions. The usual: do more yoga, learn a new skill, get a new job, etc.

I mentioned that I want to experience psilocybin and its therapeutic effects on the mind and old trauma. That’s something I never would have said before. First, because I wasn’t very interested, and second, because I felt the need to maintain a certain image of virtue. Now, I don’t care. It doesn’t matter what others think anymore, and if I want to get somewhere, I might as well ask for directions, right? So in this case, where to get the damn shrooms. But the same applies to other things—maybe they need to be said out loud, with listeners, to have a chance to manifest and for the “universe” to set course on the desired outcome.

So, for this year, or these blank new pages, or whatever you want to call it, I want to follow my intuition more unapologetically. I want to find a way to strip away fear, guilt, and conformity to break free and find my own path in life.

More traditionally, I promise myself to take better care of my body again, get more into biohacking, and work on my brain, agility, and all things good, healthy, and aspirational.

Yesterday, we saw the new Avatar movie, The Way of Water, 12 years after I saw the iconic premiere in Vienna with Balasz.

“The Way of Water has no end; it is around you and in you. Trust the tidal waves and float.”
Walking in which direction?

Jun 13, 2024

London, 30 December 2022

I walk every day. Before the sun sets, usually around 2 PM, I have to leave the flat and embark on a stroll that leads me to an unknown place. I take a few puffs before heading out to enhance my experience, and plug my earphones in for the right soundtrack. Then I walk. There is no particular destination, except perhaps to buy something or go for a coffee. I follow my instincts, making twists and turns along the way, guided by my gut feeling. I enjoy discovering new little streets, rows of houses, or interesting courtyards. I find beauty in these places, even if they repel with ugliness. I drift through the East of London without a specific goal, yet with determination and restlessness. Sometimes I walk for up to two hours, wanting to go further and further away instead of returning to our flat. I see people and gardens, birds and ponds, and many places I’d rather live in.

When I get home, it is usually already dark. I work on myself, trying to read, do mind quizzes, and send texts to old friends I fear might slip away otherwise. I clean up and clean out—closets, drawers, and thoughts. Oftentimes, I dread the day. Not because it is particularly hard or exhausting, but quite the opposite. I feel I am nobody here, just a stranger strolling through the streets, unnoticed and leaving no trace.

I usually feel it deep inside, the urge to start walking, to take a new turn, to head towards the unknown rather than return. I wonder if I should follow my instinct.
The unfamiliar path

Jun 6, 2024

London, 5 December 2022

Today I took a long walk east of Bow, gazing enviously at the charming houses with even more charming gardens around Cyprus Place and the Regent’s Canal. How could we not find an adorable home like this? And could we ever, given our background and circumstances? Eventually, I grew tired of walking and rented a Santander bike to quicken my pace and see more along the way. I was intrigued by the worlds that unfolded around every corner and every twist, turn, and fork of the canal

Finally, I had seen enough, so I returned my bike and arrived at a waterway crossing, splitting southwards to Mile End, northwards towards Hackney, and westwards back to Victoria Park and home. I looked at the path home, familiar and promising a predictable, safe way to return as quickly as possible. After all, it was cold and already getting dark by 4 pm. But then I glanced to the right and saw a new stretch of the river, flanked by new houses, new gardens, and houseboats that could hold secrets, mysteries, and stories. Intuitively, I followed my curiosity, walking north, further away from the familiarity of home. Then it hit me, like an epiphany, that this was the essence of my life: I would forgo the comfort of the well-known, even if it seemed soothing and safe. I’d rather plunge into new, cold, and possibly darker waters, with the reward of feeling alive and inspired.

This is just a simple step, to walk a bit further, so I don’t think it is brave or anything special. It is more about the feeling, the sentiment I felt in this moment that resonates so much with my inner disposition.

Eventually, after about ten minutes of walking upstream, I recognized the area I was heading to and quickly hired another bike to get home fast and painlessly.

Since moving to London, this is probably the lowest point I have reached. Or was it Covid? Maybe it’s hard to compare, but emotionally, I feel really stranded here now. Winter has arrived, and it is not pretty — cold, wet, and dark. I am sitting at home dressed in six layers of clothing to preserve my body heat and save on electricity costs. Another tipping point was being robbed of my wallet last week while photoshooting with Margiela in busy, Christmassy Bond Street. All my credit cards were taken, used, and charged up to 20,000 pounds! The worst part is losing my permanent ID card, the symbol of my perseverance, and feeling vulnerable and abused. After hours on the phone with banks and card companies, the police had already closed the case due to lack of evidence. I just want some justice and peace of mind. And hopefully, all these charges will be refunded.

So my perception of the city, in the midst of the Christmas frenzy with its lights and glimmer, is suspicious, mean, and cold. I feel uneasy and paranoid now whenever I approach downtown or crowds. I am getting flashbacks of my my old life before moving here —my rooftop, lemon garden, sunshine, beach happiness — that seems like a lost dream now. Facebook memory displays don’t help either, just as much as Vivi’s visit to Hong Kong and the photos he shared. I wish I was there!

It is my own fate to get involved, make friends, and build a new circle, but I just don’t have the motivation right now. It just seems too draining. Another fight with Topo on Saturday night, two days ago, still lingers uncomfortably silent in the air, pushing me further to the edge, and the ledge seems dark and inviting, just like the unfamiliar path along the canal.

The fights are about nothing—“you said, I said, I want, you always…”—and end with us acting like strangers for a while, no one in the mood to talk or even act normal. I am so sick of this and questioning my social abilities in partnerships. AHHHHHHHRRRGGGGGG.

One good thing is happening though, one I actively pursued that got me out of my comfort zone and pushed me to interact with humans: the acting course. People are mostly nice, friendly, interesting, and open. I have three more classes left, and maybe I will exchange contacts with someone by the end of the course. Last time, we had to act for the first time and interpret a given dialogue with our own tone, story, and characters. I channeled all my moody gloom and darkness from my private misery, just a day after the wallet incident, and delivered, apparently, a very believable and strong emo dialogue with my acting partner. When the coach asked how it felt, I said, “It felt natural.” Hmm.

Category: Struggles abroad

Balestier, Singapore 29 3 2023

Heathrow Airport – 28 March 2023

London, 26 March 2023

London, February 24, 2023

London, January 17, 2023

London, 13 January 2023