Category: soul searching

More shadows than light

Jun 20, 2025

London, 5 10 2023

It has been the walking on eggshells dance for a couple of days now, with ups and downs. Generally speaking we are back to normal routine, but something is a bit off, still.

Like this morning I spooned Topo in bed for around half an hour intensely, and he seemed not to fight it. But suddenly he got up, freed himself from my embrace and walked out, without any reaction or looking back.

I felt really foolish.

Anyway I had to get up too as there were many messages from work, and he left for rehearsal without a big farewell. In general, he has been avoiding direct eye contact all these days, looking straight ahead when I approach him. Hard to explain in words.

At the same time he is really chatty at dinner, talking about what went down at rehearsal and being quite emotionally invested. I listen and try to be as understanding and supportive as I can. If I say something he usually has not much reaction, or changes the topic.

I can say “a woman will get the two chairs from facebook on Sunday” and get zero acknowledgement for this information.

It is not really bothering me, as I just want my peace and be normal.

But something in his behavior seems intentional, like he deliberately plays icy and distant, only forgetting to act tough when he smoked weed or I when I caress him with a boner.

Either way, it is not a good feeling as I don’t ….

…. got interrupted, it’s the next day now.

So the hot’n cold situation is still going on, at this moment its 11pm and Topo is not home yet, went for ‘dinner’ with an old classmate or something.

And last night when I tried to touch him, he shrugged fiercely and turned away from me, removing my hand.

Seems like a clear signal. Either be better, different, less self centered, no narcissist…. and apologize for all those. Or don’t get any affection or sign of good will. Living a separate life until you admit you’re wrong.

So it seems nothing will happen. Avoidance from both sides probably. We see it but we pretend we can put it aside for now.

The other day I walked through Museum Greens, which is usually flooded with light and warmth. Now most of the grass was covered in dark shadows, only some trinkles of sunlight poking through shallowly. Darker and colder, but still somewhat romantic and familiar.

It’s just that Autumn light, it makes the moment freeze sometimes and makes me realize where I am and what I do here. That is like a soft filter over my gaze, or in my inner eye, that creates a bitter-sweet film on my tongue.

Pilates class today with Rachel was such a therapy. My whole body got aligned and cracked, and my mind was taken off obsessive dissociation and conjuring up possible fantasy future scenarios that would make me feel optimistic to whatever outcome.

“Your dreams and inner vision, all your mystical ambitions, they won’t let you down” as in the Lorde song. I would always have my inner beliefs to come back to and figure myself out.

That is good, or at least partly, because I’m not too scared of whatever comes eventually. But it also makes me live in a parallel world that is better because I choose it, and avoid facing life right here, missing out on good moments. I developed it in my childhood, I thought today, because I did not feel safe and understood, and faced too many adversities. I dreamt of the day when it would be better, once I left, or once I had fulfilled my dream life etc. Like dreaming of different countries and cities, getting excited about it as if I traveled there soon. And later on in my twenties I was always “waiting” for the revelation, the good part to begin. I guess there were brief periods in my later life when I felt “yes that’s it” and wouldn’t have wanted to change a thing. But some circumstance always changes, and this fragile construct of well-being and perfectionism can get shattered easily, bringing you back to base one, where you long for the next blissful phase to manifest.

I am basically still doing it. Looking at 1€ houses in mountain villages in Sicily, checking out if there are supermarkets and cafes and bars there. How long it would take to get to Palermo or Catania for a flight. And if I were to fly to Hong Kong from there, which Airline and stopover in Europe could I get?

Basically in detail painting a picture of a possible future, that can calm my current little self and promise it that the current state shall be overcome one day.

Cuz what I’m really good at is perseverance. I can motherfucking wait for a year to be with some random guy, I can travel the world to be with someone, I can sing “I’m not dead, just floating” for years on in anticipation for the winds to change and blow my ship to a beautiful island.

41. It’s not the same as 25. Or 32. It means I don’t have endless chances left to create a new, blissful world, and the time spent waiting and hoping are wasted precious months and years of the youngest age I will ever be again as I write.

Reading another buddhist book, this time about bodhisattva and how to become less self centered and more caring for others by letting go of the urge to fulfill dreams and avoid anything negative.

I get it in theory, but, just like explained in the book, we will fear of letting go, giving up “us” and all the ups and downs that belong with it.

I am still in the state of “pretending to go the dharma way”.

But I guess it’s a start that I can admit that and reflect on it. A moment of realization.

Anyway I’m over it now, it’s late. Happy weekend!.
Sober

Apr 16, 2025

London, 2 10 2023

We buried the hatched yesterday morning, after me sleeping on the couch and sitting in the kitchen silently.

He said sorry, for what he said, and I assume he meant for calling me a narcissist. He said we both did nothing majorly wrong. I think we did. And he confessed he feels insecure because I had suggested four times that I needed a break previously. I wanted to answer, to say yes, I am not giving you security because I am so damn unsure myself. But I paused for too long, and he headed out for a cigarette, and eventually for dance class.

I put on my hiking shoes again, rolled a spliff and headed to the east. Three hours later I returned home from another highking odyssey through the fields of Wanstead Park. I had smoked a lot to numb myself, to forget, to float away, but actually just got caught in a loop of “fuck, I don’t know what to do now” thoughts, spiralling. Eventually I just wanted to go home and sleep, so I passed out in the afternoon.

Topo cooked in the evening and I felt he wanted me to be part of it. We cooked and just started talking, normal topics, nothing intimate. It felt like an effort to paper over the cracks and mend things. I felt at ease, as the pain of conflict and a further escalation was lifted off of us, but at the same time I asked myself if I was just going the easy way, avoiding the unavoidable for another day of superficial peace.

Will I be disappointed about my lack of honesty and bravery when I recall this fight a few weeks from now? Will I wish I had left? Or will I slip back into the seeming comfort of a home, a partner, a routine, with no big drama to disturb the status quo?

I think it is time to stop wandering, walking away, further into the forest. As I always take the train back to ‘home’, walk up the stairs, and curl up on the sofa feeling lost.

I can hide in the woods for a few hours, forget my problems, smoke them away and pretend I can talk to the trees. But I have to activate my sound reasoning, and take actions for my future self. Because he won’t be happy looking back at this time and the way I let myself go.

Thinking of Oprah’s quote again, about staying still and waiting, when you don’t know what to do. Is it that case now, is it better to wait for things to take their own course? Or do I actually know what to do and am not brave enough to say it?

Today is public holiday in Hong Kong, so I barely work. Having this whole day to myself, I am just bumming around, watching leftists debate with conservatives on facebook reels, and feeling sorry for myself.

At least I got up to write now, and seeing my own words on the screen makes me act and at least do something.

Not hiking today. I should go to a very “London” place to feel what it is like here. And take care of my stuff, don’t let myself down.

Nothing else to report, it’s October, gray skies, two weeks to Madonna’s show, and no idea where I’m gonna be this winter.
Godrevy Lighthouse

Apr 14, 2025

Cornwall, 14 09 2023

Sea, seals, wind and heathers along the way

The beacon of light in sight

Rough winds and mild sun

Burnt but enjoying the heat

Cooling down in Perranporth

Refreshing tired feet

Each night a new town

A new barn to sleep

The path is luring us further

Closer to the cliffs

Sweet honeysuckle and berries

smoking a few spliffs

Rough and lovely

Quiet but lively

The seaside towns have their charm

Clotted cream and tea

Where else do you say ‘hello’ to strangers?

Cornwall

Where the land meets the sea

Orazio Overton
Heatwaves

Apr 9, 2025

Leigh-on-Sea, 09 09 2023

The unexpected heatwave persisted the entire week and I think culminates today with one last hot, humid and sultry Sunday. It is almost Mid-September and I am sitting on the couch, fan on, sweating in my cleavage.

Dressed up to go out and meet John & Guillermo, and Jocelyne, to watch Topo’s last show of ‘Todesanzeige’ at the theatre. I look all tizzed up in my favourite black jumpsuit, fresh curls and golden tan.

This hot late summer week lasted for a seemingly endless time, which I enjoyed, so I gave myself to it and indulged in all kinds of feelings, moods, bodily sensations and impulses.

I think I spent most of the weekday afternoons outdoors, either biking or hiking, to new and old places, exploring relentlessly what I could have missed in East London and further.

Yesterday morning, looking at the call-me-by-your-name- blue sky, I spontaneously decided to book a train to Southend-on-Sea and one hour later touched down in Leigh Old Town. It was lovely, happy, holiday mood and seaside flavour. The ocean was far out, miles away from the cost, and the low tide lingered until the sunset.

I have to come back!

Here’s a poem about my feelings there which I recorded on my phone on the way back.

A day at the sea

I took the train to the east.
Out of the boiling city.
The air got fresher with a salty undertone
And I arrived at sea
to get a view |
to get a glimpse of my new surroundings.
Astonishing boulevards villas and palm trees.
I fantasize and dream how it would be to live in them.
invite me and count me in, let me be part of your life.
Euphoric like a child,
exploring what’s around the next corner.
Cafés bars, people having fun
summer, seaside beach and sun.
Seagulls cooing in the wind
searching for something to eat just like me.
I test myself through local cuisine
coffee, ice cream cider what could I have.
I arrive by the beach.
The water is gone
dry, only pebbles and sand sand yeah.
Still smell the ocean but it’s far outside.
Still enjoy the beach but I have to stay dry
the feeling kicks in
I am.

Tomorrow another coastal adventure starts, our 42 mile hike in Cornwall very few outfits, and lots of paraphernalia packed, we are heading to the west for our encounter with the golden teacher.

tbc… xoxo
Hot Hot Summer (finally)

Apr 7, 2025

London, 07 09 2023

This week London is under a heatwave, which brings blue skies and scorching temperatures up to 31 degrees – in September! It has not been that hot the whole summer, so I really appreciate this sudden tropical feeling and spend a lot of time outdoors. And by that I mean, I wrap up work around 2 pm and head outside. The highkings have more turned into biking, after I had explored all the country parks in north-east London and even took Topo onto one of my excursions. Wanstead was really beautiful and the park is cute, with the little tea hut and temple. Well I always find something fascinating or interesting, even the most mundane thing. For a while. Then I need something new.

So we booked a hiking trip to Cornwall with our consumption vouchers, and we’re gonna start on Monday in Newquay and hike 4 days to St. Ives! The pics of these seaside towns just looked so scenic, and I had just watched a Netflix show about England’s coastal hikes…. so I suggested it spontaneously and we are quite excited for it. For once, I always wanted to go to Cornwall, I love my “hiking”, we don’t even need to take a flight and – it’s for free!

Moreover, the stars have finally aligned and after a year of documentaries, research, talk, deliberation and longing, the purple passion is coming to us! Our local supplier suddenly had offered home grown shrooms and we bought our first magic potion! Since I preferred a natural, outdoorsy environment (I could not imagine having it at home and sitting on the salon sofa and staring at the wall). Therefore we are bringing it to Cornwall, where we stay in a wooden cabin or more like a pod one night.

I have started to ask myself questions that I would like to have answered, to go into me and embrace the new, the golden teacher, peel away all unnecessary layers.

I will write down a few more thoughts this weekend and mediate, to get into the right headspace and mindset. I want to use it to help myself find purpose, happiness and my true nature again. It is in there and wants to bloom!
You can get the boy out of the countryside but not the countryside out of the boy

Mar 20, 2025

Essex, 20 08 2023

Two weeks have passed since our big fight, and we did not have a talk or reconciliation afterwards. I wanted to give him a chance to say what he wanted to say, but at one point it had fizzled out and we had no more words for what happened, only awkwardly walking on eggshells or on broken glass.

I fled into my comfort zone of Tower Hamlet Cemetery park, usually with a glass pipe, and also pushed my body to the limit by joining all kinds of fitness classes. I’m ripped!

Moreover, I went to church. Like literally. One Sunday morning I was up on the roof and heard church bells, I heard my calling. Just kidding, I just remembered that I wanted to join a mass in St. Peters church as it looked cute so I spontaneously went there. To my disappointment the main church was closed because of “asbestos” from roof damage, so the small congregation gathered in a white party marquee outside. I was quickly grabbed and introduced to the members by the quirky priest (“a vicar with a bible – so cliché”). I had a quick chat afterwards and the people were interesting, from actors to social worker in Afghanistan there was a bit of everything.

I never went back since.

But I also resumed my practice at the London Buddhist Centre the following Tuesday, and out of reluctance to go back home, I signed up for voluntary cleaning.

A cute black twink saw me staying behind and also joined, later chatting with me and exchanging numbers. He wanted to show me his coworking space in Shoreditch. I never texted him, but of course bumped into him in front of Tesco, high and looking crazy (me…)

I ventured more out into nature, last week just abandoning work and heading to Epping forest, where I threw myself into an Odyssey of hiking, smoking, bushwhacking and hiding from hunters. It was amazing.

I returned home exhausted and had to nap, but I took with me a feeling of accomplishment and freedom.

Yesterday I biked all the way to Essex and explored the River Lea.

The only place that gives me joy at the moment is nature, sunshine, music, getting lost in dreams and feelings. We have not fought since then, but also live quite next to each other. Topo had a lot of rehearsals, so I was happy to be alone at home most of the days. This weekend we got friendlier and had a picnic at All Points East in Victoria Park, where we saw the concert for free beyond the fences.

He is quite sweet but I have a hard time reciprocating the feeling, I am moody or just absent and robotic.

Today we got a message from our herbalist and he suddenly offered shrooms. We bought four grams and started thinking when was the best time and place to experience. I am quite curious, but I have to be in a better state of mind than these days. Also I want to prepare a manifesto, a list of things I want to address and work on with the help of this nature spirit.

I don’t wanna stumble into it, I want to be elevated. So I think it may have come at a right time now, not searching for it, but just accepting it. And so I hope we can find out and accept whatever we discover when the day has come.

Meanwhile we have to plan our Europe trip in mid September, but it seems harder than I thought, as hotel prices are crazy, from Vienna to Lisbon. I thought about going to Portugal but the hotels we can get with the voucher suck and even Airbnb is super pricey.

Also lacking motivation to do the tedious planning, that normally makes me feel excited and energetic.

Tomorrow I have to try to stay focused and figure out how to make the online store at work make some revenue, or my whole existence as a “digital nomad” is questioned. Besides the fact that the HK tax authorities are starting to ask questions about my country of tax residency, and not being able to open a bank account here, the entry point at the border is always a bit of a thrill. Will the gate open?

Anyway, I was just watching a lame movie about a guy running away into the wild. Sounds romantic but he was kinda dumb. He burned his money….

I will do it better.
One more day – one less day

Jan 22, 2025
London, 06 08 2023

I totally stopped writing after the last entry on the way to Malta. Too busy dealing with everyday life I guess?

Malta was awesome! I enjoyed the place, the company and the weather! I felt once again that I was living the Mediterranean dream.

Back to London, I stayed only for one day and then headed to Burlington, and actually continued to Norwich right away. More details about the England-time later. I liked Norfolk!

So I feel I have spent the whole July out of London, and the weather was and still is not giving anyway. Cold and rainy everyday. Well today was quite sunny actually.

To come back to the actual topic of the week or even month, we had a big fight last Friday night and the mood is still a bit frosty today.

It started with some scheduling conflicts, caused by me being too casual about timings, and stressed him to the point where Topo stopped talking and acted weird, like not staying with me at the supermarket, not helping, letting me pay everything, and grimacing like “I don’t give a fuck” whenever I asked a very trivial question like if he wants zucchini.

So after two hours of getting the silent treatment I said something and of course he blamed me for being silent and always making it weird, and I got so heated because obviously he was the one mad at me, which I totally did not deserve. So I think I got quite emotional and he suddenly started shouting swear words at me, like “diu lei lo mo pok gai”, fuck you, fuck off, FUCKKK YOUUUUU… like 20 times.

I did the opposite then and got quieter, also quite intimidated and scared, and he started recording the whole conversion with his phone (after the swearing of course).

The whole thing for me was actually only about him giving me such an attitude just because the planning was not perfect… To be mentioned, the plan was to go to Barre class and then check out a bike that I found for him on facebook, since his old one was dismantled. There was also this factor of ungratefulness, that I even made the effort in his absence to find a new bike for him, but he only focused on being stressed, because a guy would come later to pick up his old bike, which we would not have made in time.

But he started opening all the old drawers with things he said to me during the show run last winter, and that by not taking him seriously and using it against him I would betray him. Also that last time I went roller skating I did not invite him, rather just asked “I go skating do you want to join”…

And that I asked him not to put lotion on while sitting on the sofa… because… oily!?! Yeah anyway the words “follow your agenda” popped up a few times and that just sent me, so eventually I stormed off for a walk and smoked, and returned later.

We didn’t speak for two days and avoided each other as best as possible, and it’s so weird to sleep in the same bed. Actually I did speak, like at least polite questions, but he did not ask me anything.

That’s when I started to go to church and back to the buddhist center. The church was closed due to a broken roof, so the mass was in a marquee in the yard and quite messy but charming, and everyone was nice and talkative and smiling. Yesterday in the mediation I decided to stay longer to do voluntary cleaning, and chatted nicely with the few peeps that joined. One guy looked quite cute in high waist pants and a loose denim shirt, with an almost modelesque physique and piercing eyes. We chatted a bit, his name is Q and he’s from Africa . He suggested bringing me to his coworking space if I was in Shoreditch, which I may do.

Anywho, I had to go to spiritual places like this just to feel some positive human(e) energy and not feel totally isolated and lost in this city. In times when we don’t get along, I have no soul here to connect with or just forget the trouble for a minute. I become this weak little victim, like the school boy that was bullied, who gets more quiet and withdraws the more he gets hurt.

Meanwhile we started talking again, yesterday quite a lot, maybe because of MJ, but today is quite cool again. To be specific, he is doing his things quite demonstratively, like “I can do what I want at my own timing and you’ll feel what that is like”, like eating his own stuff, watching some japanese musical right now or just being indifferent.

I just came back from a workout at the Refinery, and wanted to cook a curry. I smelled food already, so I said “did you eat already cuz I want to make a curry”. The answer was very revealing and disturbing at the same time. “I ate because yesterday you said you couldn’t cook (the curry).

An illogical inference, as the reason I didn’t cook yesterday was because I had eaten a huge bowl of pasta. So that would not lead to the logical reasoning “oh he didn’t cook yesterday, so he must not cook today”. Guess what, I got hungry again the next day.

Just shows
1. he felt attacked by just asking “did you eat” as if I think that was not ok. In fact I love when I don’t have to take care of food sometimes and happy he eats what he likes.
2. immediately defending himself by blaming me for his action because of my behavior (yesterday you also didn’t cook)
Of course I didn’t say any of this salty shit, because I would just pour oil into the flames and fulfill all the allegations he had on me in our last fight, namely
1. I would always get mad when he says something (harmless)
2. I would defend myself
3. I would try to explain everything with logical reasoning. (of course I do, I hate nonsense)
4. I just want to win the argument.
So actually it is very smart of him to manipulate the conversion like this, because it takes away any chance for me to say something, no matter what, or it will be used against me. He even used the disclaimer “I am not saying this to win the argument but….” so he can say something self righteous without being accused of being self righteous because he explained that he was not. It’s a trap lol!

Honestly I don’t know what to do about this situation. It is kind of pointless to fight. I would be the loser who always wants to win.

But not saying anything will be held against me with the reason “I never talk about my feelings or open up”…OMG so good that I write this down, it makes sense now!

And he does ALL these things nonstop, like feeling attacked, being quiet and passive aggressive, playing mind games etc… I just can never mention it.

So today I tried to be as forthcoming as possible to smooth out the waves, and I suggested this week we’d go for dinner to the Love Shack to celebrate his new West End job. It was not met with great enthusiasm other than “sure” almost inaudibly. And then I bit myself so hard in the tongue while eating my damn hot curry, that I was bleeding in my mouth and in agony from pain. I totally lost my appetite and had to recover for a while. He didn’t even flinch. Talking about “YOU don’t have empathy” as he said in the fight.

So I am in the bedroom writing this, which is not a bad thing, I like the me-time! It is only a bad thing for him as he used this to demonstrate he doesn’t have to follow my agenda and that I was unhappy about it and hence in the room alone. I love to be alone sometimes!

Enough of this, omg hope I never read this again it will be a pain in the ass. But good to write it off my chest as I did not tell anyone about it and carried it like a heavy burden.

I dream about my little house in Sicilia more and more each day….
Make yourself useful

Jan 3, 2025
London, 07 07 2023

Currently my hobbies are
- Pilates and Barre
- Gardening & botanics (growing anything on the roof or in pots, from cuttings, seeds etc)
- Cooking (more than just out of necessity) and making homemade stuff, like tea, bread, cake, syrup
- Concerts & music festivals (I went to close to 10 shows in the past half year)
- Traveling (above all the others actually, but limited due to commitment)
- Reading scientific / psychology books
- Investing and trading
- Cycling and walking around the city and nature (preferably after consuming weed or edibles)
I wrote these down because the other night I asked Topo if people still had hobbies and pastimes, like what does everyone do with their free time and in general, their life?

I felt like I did nothing other than working a bit, eating and sleeping. But paying attention to my passions, or at least, to my daily activities that give me some kind of joy and fulfilment, I came up with this list and feel like I am not too uninterested. I have my interests and pastimes!

Nevertheless, I also found that these are quite hedonistic, and that my everyday goal is to get some kind of kick or satisfaction out of my day, and it becomes increasingly harder to do so!

I wake up, and start scrolling on my fucking phone, getting sucked into social medias abyss of meaninglessness. Then I make myself a delicious breakfast everyday, but it wears off and doesn’t give me the satisfaction it used to. I even catch myself watching something on my phone while chewing on some toasted sourdough and slurping my cooled down coffee.

Then I focus on work for a bit, but am always distracted by some social media feed or annoying videos of woke culture warriors against right wing conservatives and reading the even more annoying comments of users, getting all worked up about how terrible our society has become.

Then I try to delay the time until my first puff of ganja, and sometimes it is not before dusk, but other days, like today, it can be after lunch. And even that thrill has worn off, is more like a familiar friend than a new lover. I have edibles in a tin box, for special occasions, but it never feels like the first time, literally. I remember the vibrant, ecstatic feeling I got from my first brownie at Wonderfruit in Thailand. Now it merely gives me a nonchalance, or just makes me forgetful.

Complaining on a high level, as I said, I am chasing hedonistic satisfactions rather than deeper meaning in my daily life. So I keep chasing the next high, the next show, the next holiday or the next coffee shop with cakes and brunches, but what is after that?

I just watched the “Arnold” documentary on Netflix, and Schwarzenegger, as a boomer and rough, macho guy, said he didn’t feel too much self pity, or even grief about the loss of people, because he kept himself busy. He said “make yourself useful” and that resonates with me. I have to find some deeper purpose again, a goal or task that is a bit deeper than making the house sparkling clean or watering my poppy flowers on the roof.

And I do have those aspirations. I wanna learn Italian, focus on studying new AI technology and think about other ways to make a living in case my current job unravels one day.

But it is harder than ever to motivate myself, to get the grip and work on my goals, because they are not tangible. Being in a relationship with someone who also does not push himself to pursue long term goals, but rather lives in the moment, doesn’t make it easier.

Topo has been in Burlington for 7 days now, tonight was his opening. I was feeling a bit left out by not attending the premier, but also thought I would benefit from the time on my own in London, like last year when he was in Stanford. But I did not use the time very wisely, besides a deep clean and decluttering of our home, to develop myself. It has to start tomorrow. Or better right now, with realizing and writing down what I feel.

Tomorrow I have to promise myself to go to the Buddhist Center and practice meditation, and mingle a bit with likeminded people, as I also lack social contact. Yesterday Chisandra was here for dinner, visiting from Amsterdam, the company and chatting really brightened my day. I couldn’t even shut up and kept talking like a cuckoo person.

So yeah tomorrow I meditate, and mingle, Sunday I go to see my soulmate sister Lana Del Rey in Hyde Park with Jack, and next Wednesday I fly to visit Masha in Malta! I hope I will be open and receptive to people and new ways of thinking.

After that I will finally head to Burlington to see the show and hang out for a couple of days. I am a bit afraid of staying in a room in a family home in a small town, but I also think it is my duty to do so.

And who knows, maybe I will make some meaningful connections with people there.

And then comes August and September, black spaces that need to be filled with more excitement, trips and activities. Just so I feel alive and can chase for the next thrill.

Till then….make myself useful
The simplest of things

Dec 5, 2024

Today I went to London Pride. I got dressed cute and looked fresh, ate a magic chocolate and went down to Hyde Park. On the tube I could already see a lot of rainbow people and so I just followed them.

In the beginning I was a bit confused, as the whole event didn’t have a start of finish line, people just scattered around and nothing was happening. Finally the parade made its way toward Trafalgar Square. I watched it along Green Park, where I stopped and sat for a while next to a few older lesbians. I watched people dressed up, some cute, some messy, a lot of them freakish, marching to their own drum and living their best life. But I didn’t feel any joy, excitement or connection there. I didn’t feel special about being surrounded by thousands of gays, nor hyped by the trucks or the music, and saw barely a face that I would even wanna talk to. Besides my non connectivity to the crowd, I was there alone, as no friend asked me to join them, and I was too embarrassed to ask.

So I ended up at the final destination, where Adam Lambert was supposed to perform. But at the square one could not even get anywhere near the stage, so I pushed my way out and went shopping instead. I passed through the streets of Chinatown and Soho, where most of the queers hung out in the streets and made London a vibrant, liberal and open city. I would have been so amazed by this even just 10 years ago, but now I have seen it all, and the barely dressed dudes and drag queens did not raise my interest or other things.

Could it be that I became jaded by seeing self expression everywhere? I was not dressed crazily, but wearing very short shorts and a sleeveless vest that showed my arms. Despite my efforts, nobody would even take notice of me in this sea of unicorns and self expressionists. I was just too normal. Maybe back in the days when I dressed a bit more daring in Austria or even Hong Kong, I would get some attention and feel special for a moment. Not here.

Finally I decided to head home, smoke weed and go for a bicycle ride through Victoria Park and some quiet residential streets. Just looking at everything, feeling the smooth rolling of the bike, breathing in fresh air… felt so much more blissful. I realized that I can be satisfied or even get a dopamine kick from the simplest of things. Just walking or cycling and observing my surroundings, noticing small details.

I guess that’s a good thing. I mean it enables me to find joy in very simple and cheap things lol. I still love some excitement like the Pink show last week or upcoming Lana Del Rey, but I am glad I can enjoy the banalities of life. Ok I also love to travel to exciting, new and far away places, not that humble. The point is I don’t regret going to the pride festival today, as I never joined it before and wanted to know what it’s like. But once I noticed it was not giving, I could have just left and enjoyed my time at home. The FOMO had kept me strolling through the streets for four hours, feeling strangely lonely among thousands of gays. I really am an introvert and loner.

Tomorrow I will just chill by myself

London, 01 07 2023
Summer Blues

Nov 11, 2024

P!nk on Sunday in Hyde Park was amazing. She did all the hits and 3 cirque du soleil-esque stunts. When she did the aerial to Turbulence I cried so hard! It may have also been the cookie we ate that made the flow flow, but I was just too touched to have this experience, at sunset with 70,000 people!

Gwen Stefani, opening the show with a 1h set was euphoric, too, especially seeing her for the first time!

We had a great day in the heat of the park and I could indulge in my favorite pastime, fangirling my adored pop divas and getting lost in the music!

But the coming down on Monday was less like a glance through pink tinted glasses, and more a gray reality check. Somehow I was moody and cranky the whole week since, blaming it on the lack of sunshine. But still, it is summer, warm and I have plenty of free time… I felt empty and meaningless. What’s wrong with me? Now I can’t blame it on the dreadful winter, or the location or the dripping roof. It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me. When I took a stroll outside today to get fresh air and stop myself from watching addictive but trashy YouTube shorts, I lost the excitement about seeing the neighborhood or exploring something new. It all felt same same, and the people I encountered along the way had something weird or creepy about them. I couldn’t even find something to eat outside, so I ended up going home for a late lunch.

I realized that even back in Hong Kong during my last visit, I had this inertia and lack of motivation or purpose, even walking through my beloved old neighborhood. So was it not all about London in the end?

I really think I have to start working on my inner fitness, aka mental health and depression, again.

Last week I could not fall asleep for a few nights, when Topo already had passed out around 11. So I opened my Coronicles diary and read for like two hours.

It was astonishing that, even not that long ago, my mind was in a totally different space. And I was, somehow,…. cooler.

I was also not the happiest, and struggled through lock down, boredom and long distance. But what I wrote back then was more enlightened and smart than what I feel right now. I even had written down some meditation realizations that I could not even decipher here and now. Maybe I am just not reading and meditating enough? Or I am slowly frying my brain by the regular weed consumption? At least the last three days I felt like that, I could not even focus my attention and remember what I wanted to do a minute ago. I was trying to stay abstinent from MJ for a couple of days, and it felt like cold turkey. OK that’s a bit dramatic but emotionally I was a bit low.

So finally today I gave in and lit up the bong after my work and chores were done, and I could wash my hair with stinky fermented rice water and massage black castor oil in. I’ve been doing this ritual every hair wash now, trying to speed up my growth and promote thickness and fight grays.

I want my long hair back but I don’t have the patience. Every day I change my mind a few times between a full mane of curls like its 2021, or going back to hipster millennial twink side-fade-top-curly hair. Yesterday, the night before Topo left for Derbyshire today, we talked about our hair for an hour after midnight. lol.

We were fine these days, and he called me already from his room in the northern smalltown, where his first musical in the UK will premiere next week.

I feel ambivalent about it, thought I would enjoy the lonesomeness a bit more than I do. I didn’t really know what to do with myself today. But I think I will use this month quite well. To watch my guilty pleasure shows. To work out more. To write more diary entries and read more book(s). To drink wine and philosophize on the roof. To reconnect with myself.

Starting right now…

London, 28 6 2023