Category: Moving abroad

Hot Hot Summer (finally)

Apr 7, 2025

London, 07 09 2023

This week London is under a heatwave, which brings blue skies and scorching temperatures up to 31 degrees – in September! It has not been that hot the whole summer, so I really appreciate this sudden tropical feeling and spend a lot of time outdoors. And by that I mean, I wrap up work around 2 pm and head outside. The highkings have more turned into biking, after I had explored all the country parks in north-east London and even took Topo onto one of my excursions. Wanstead was really beautiful and the park is cute, with the little tea hut and temple. Well I always find something fascinating or interesting, even the most mundane thing. For a while. Then I need something new.

So we booked a hiking trip to Cornwall with our consumption vouchers, and we’re gonna start on Monday in Newquay and hike 4 days to St. Ives! The pics of these seaside towns just looked so scenic, and I had just watched a Netflix show about England’s coastal hikes…. so I suggested it spontaneously and we are quite excited for it. For once, I always wanted to go to Cornwall, I love my “hiking”, we don’t even need to take a flight and – it’s for free!

Moreover, the stars have finally aligned and after a year of documentaries, research, talk, deliberation and longing, the purple passion is coming to us! Our local supplier suddenly had offered home grown shrooms and we bought our first magic potion! Since I preferred a natural, outdoorsy environment (I could not imagine having it at home and sitting on the salon sofa and staring at the wall). Therefore we are bringing it to Cornwall, where we stay in a wooden cabin or more like a pod one night.

I have started to ask myself questions that I would like to have answered, to go into me and embrace the new, the golden teacher, peel away all unnecessary layers.

I will write down a few more thoughts this weekend and mediate, to get into the right headspace and mindset. I want to use it to help myself find purpose, happiness and my true nature again. It is in there and wants to bloom!
You can get the boy out of the countryside but not the countryside out of the boy

Mar 20, 2025

Essex, 20 08 2023

Two weeks have passed since our big fight, and we did not have a talk or reconciliation afterwards. I wanted to give him a chance to say what he wanted to say, but at one point it had fizzled out and we had no more words for what happened, only awkwardly walking on eggshells or on broken glass.

I fled into my comfort zone of Tower Hamlet Cemetery park, usually with a glass pipe, and also pushed my body to the limit by joining all kinds of fitness classes. I’m ripped!

Moreover, I went to church. Like literally. One Sunday morning I was up on the roof and heard church bells, I heard my calling. Just kidding, I just remembered that I wanted to join a mass in St. Peters church as it looked cute so I spontaneously went there. To my disappointment the main church was closed because of “asbestos” from roof damage, so the small congregation gathered in a white party marquee outside. I was quickly grabbed and introduced to the members by the quirky priest (“a vicar with a bible – so cliché”). I had a quick chat afterwards and the people were interesting, from actors to social worker in Afghanistan there was a bit of everything.

I never went back since.

But I also resumed my practice at the London Buddhist Centre the following Tuesday, and out of reluctance to go back home, I signed up for voluntary cleaning.

A cute black twink saw me staying behind and also joined, later chatting with me and exchanging numbers. He wanted to show me his coworking space in Shoreditch. I never texted him, but of course bumped into him in front of Tesco, high and looking crazy (me…)

I ventured more out into nature, last week just abandoning work and heading to Epping forest, where I threw myself into an Odyssey of hiking, smoking, bushwhacking and hiding from hunters. It was amazing.

I returned home exhausted and had to nap, but I took with me a feeling of accomplishment and freedom.

Yesterday I biked all the way to Essex and explored the River Lea.

The only place that gives me joy at the moment is nature, sunshine, music, getting lost in dreams and feelings. We have not fought since then, but also live quite next to each other. Topo had a lot of rehearsals, so I was happy to be alone at home most of the days. This weekend we got friendlier and had a picnic at All Points East in Victoria Park, where we saw the concert for free beyond the fences.

He is quite sweet but I have a hard time reciprocating the feeling, I am moody or just absent and robotic.

Today we got a message from our herbalist and he suddenly offered shrooms. We bought four grams and started thinking when was the best time and place to experience. I am quite curious, but I have to be in a better state of mind than these days. Also I want to prepare a manifesto, a list of things I want to address and work on with the help of this nature spirit.

I don’t wanna stumble into it, I want to be elevated. So I think it may have come at a right time now, not searching for it, but just accepting it. And so I hope we can find out and accept whatever we discover when the day has come.

Meanwhile we have to plan our Europe trip in mid September, but it seems harder than I thought, as hotel prices are crazy, from Vienna to Lisbon. I thought about going to Portugal but the hotels we can get with the voucher suck and even Airbnb is super pricey.

Also lacking motivation to do the tedious planning, that normally makes me feel excited and energetic.

Tomorrow I have to try to stay focused and figure out how to make the online store at work make some revenue, or my whole existence as a “digital nomad” is questioned. Besides the fact that the HK tax authorities are starting to ask questions about my country of tax residency, and not being able to open a bank account here, the entry point at the border is always a bit of a thrill. Will the gate open?

Anyway, I was just watching a lame movie about a guy running away into the wild. Sounds romantic but he was kinda dumb. He burned his money….

I will do it better.
Controlled hallucinations

Jan 10, 2025

Train to Gatwick, 12 07 2023

It’s 3:40am and I’m on a packed train heading to Gatwick to catch my 6am flight to Malta!

I had a short and rough night, somehow couldn’t sleep, overworked and checked everything when I had to leave the flat. It’s gonna be fine…

These days I’m a bit moody, one day good, another bored and desperate.

Sunday was Lana Del Rey in Hyde park! I went with John and we ate a cookie.

The crowd was so different to the one from Pink earlier. Lots of girls in white dresses, or slutty cowgirl outfits, super feminine with bows and luscious hair. The guys were twinkly gay Gen Zers with romantic haircuts and the rest were parents!

And they screamed from the top of their lungs when the elusive chanteuse appeared on stage finally at 9pm.

They sang EVERY word to every song, to a point where I could not hear the singer.

It was so good though, the mood, the aesthetic, she’s cute and awkward. She got a bit too stoned though because I zoned out a few times.

The next day I had to find my way back to work, and actually had a lot to do. Meanwhile I discovered chatGBT and let it write a press release to promote our company anniversary, and it nailed it! I sent it to Tin Hau, but no response yet. I also stayed sober on Monday and did an intense roof workout, suddenly feeling lots of energy.

Later I started a bit of dirty talk on WhatsApp with Topo, and seems we were both horny, as we ended up sending each other hot clips that vanished immediately but left a good feeling behind .

So that was good. We felt we wanted each other and would like to hang out.

Tuesday was different then, he barely texted me and somehow I am stupid enough to feel some sort of jealousy of one of his cast mates, who went hiking with him on Sunday and is gay. Pictures in my head and jumping to conclusions kicked in.

Anyway I try to let it go now and hope that he is the same obsessive monogamous freak as me and was not inspired for our sexting by some other hot dude.

Back to here and now. It was hard to pack all my cute fits into one mini hand luggage, and to my disappointment I can only bring the shoes I’m wearing.

It’s only 4 days tho … Margiela will meet me at a Café near her place and seems to be happy about my visit. Btw I also sent some clothes there for a photo shoot which have not arrived yet.

Sunday I’ll be back and Monday I’m going to Burlington.

So it’s time to enjoy a few days of my Mediterranean dream, in cute shirts, at breezy beaches and charming cafes. After all, travelling is my biggest pleasure.

And the controlled hallucinations is this experience, that gives me certain feelings, but not inherently being nice or good. It’s my mind stretching out to the world and making it what is the most useful for me.

I should apply the same theory to the jealousy story – it’s only a mind construct and actually not serving me a purpose other than hurt.

Time to move on. See you in Sliema!
Make yourself useful

Jan 3, 2025
London, 07 07 2023

Currently my hobbies are
- Pilates and Barre
- Gardening & botanics (growing anything on the roof or in pots, from cuttings, seeds etc)
- Cooking (more than just out of necessity) and making homemade stuff, like tea, bread, cake, syrup
- Concerts & music festivals (I went to close to 10 shows in the past half year)
- Traveling (above all the others actually, but limited due to commitment)
- Reading scientific / psychology books
- Investing and trading
- Cycling and walking around the city and nature (preferably after consuming weed or edibles)
I wrote these down because the other night I asked Topo if people still had hobbies and pastimes, like what does everyone do with their free time and in general, their life?

I felt like I did nothing other than working a bit, eating and sleeping. But paying attention to my passions, or at least, to my daily activities that give me some kind of joy and fulfilment, I came up with this list and feel like I am not too uninterested. I have my interests and pastimes!

Nevertheless, I also found that these are quite hedonistic, and that my everyday goal is to get some kind of kick or satisfaction out of my day, and it becomes increasingly harder to do so!

I wake up, and start scrolling on my fucking phone, getting sucked into social medias abyss of meaninglessness. Then I make myself a delicious breakfast everyday, but it wears off and doesn’t give me the satisfaction it used to. I even catch myself watching something on my phone while chewing on some toasted sourdough and slurping my cooled down coffee.

Then I focus on work for a bit, but am always distracted by some social media feed or annoying videos of woke culture warriors against right wing conservatives and reading the even more annoying comments of users, getting all worked up about how terrible our society has become.

Then I try to delay the time until my first puff of ganja, and sometimes it is not before dusk, but other days, like today, it can be after lunch. And even that thrill has worn off, is more like a familiar friend than a new lover. I have edibles in a tin box, for special occasions, but it never feels like the first time, literally. I remember the vibrant, ecstatic feeling I got from my first brownie at Wonderfruit in Thailand. Now it merely gives me a nonchalance, or just makes me forgetful.

Complaining on a high level, as I said, I am chasing hedonistic satisfactions rather than deeper meaning in my daily life. So I keep chasing the next high, the next show, the next holiday or the next coffee shop with cakes and brunches, but what is after that?

I just watched the “Arnold” documentary on Netflix, and Schwarzenegger, as a boomer and rough, macho guy, said he didn’t feel too much self pity, or even grief about the loss of people, because he kept himself busy. He said “make yourself useful” and that resonates with me. I have to find some deeper purpose again, a goal or task that is a bit deeper than making the house sparkling clean or watering my poppy flowers on the roof.

And I do have those aspirations. I wanna learn Italian, focus on studying new AI technology and think about other ways to make a living in case my current job unravels one day.

But it is harder than ever to motivate myself, to get the grip and work on my goals, because they are not tangible. Being in a relationship with someone who also does not push himself to pursue long term goals, but rather lives in the moment, doesn’t make it easier.

Topo has been in Burlington for 7 days now, tonight was his opening. I was feeling a bit left out by not attending the premier, but also thought I would benefit from the time on my own in London, like last year when he was in Stanford. But I did not use the time very wisely, besides a deep clean and decluttering of our home, to develop myself. It has to start tomorrow. Or better right now, with realizing and writing down what I feel.

Tomorrow I have to promise myself to go to the Buddhist Center and practice meditation, and mingle a bit with likeminded people, as I also lack social contact. Yesterday Chisandra was here for dinner, visiting from Amsterdam, the company and chatting really brightened my day. I couldn’t even shut up and kept talking like a cuckoo person.

So yeah tomorrow I meditate, and mingle, Sunday I go to see my soulmate sister Lana Del Rey in Hyde Park with Jack, and next Wednesday I fly to visit Masha in Malta! I hope I will be open and receptive to people and new ways of thinking.

After that I will finally head to Burlington to see the show and hang out for a couple of days. I am a bit afraid of staying in a room in a family home in a small town, but I also think it is my duty to do so.

And who knows, maybe I will make some meaningful connections with people there.

And then comes August and September, black spaces that need to be filled with more excitement, trips and activities. Just so I feel alive and can chase for the next thrill.

Till then….make myself useful
The simplest of things

Dec 5, 2024

Today I went to London Pride. I got dressed cute and looked fresh, ate a magic chocolate and went down to Hyde Park. On the tube I could already see a lot of rainbow people and so I just followed them.

In the beginning I was a bit confused, as the whole event didn’t have a start of finish line, people just scattered around and nothing was happening. Finally the parade made its way toward Trafalgar Square. I watched it along Green Park, where I stopped and sat for a while next to a few older lesbians. I watched people dressed up, some cute, some messy, a lot of them freakish, marching to their own drum and living their best life. But I didn’t feel any joy, excitement or connection there. I didn’t feel special about being surrounded by thousands of gays, nor hyped by the trucks or the music, and saw barely a face that I would even wanna talk to. Besides my non connectivity to the crowd, I was there alone, as no friend asked me to join them, and I was too embarrassed to ask.

So I ended up at the final destination, where Adam Lambert was supposed to perform. But at the square one could not even get anywhere near the stage, so I pushed my way out and went shopping instead. I passed through the streets of Chinatown and Soho, where most of the queers hung out in the streets and made London a vibrant, liberal and open city. I would have been so amazed by this even just 10 years ago, but now I have seen it all, and the barely dressed dudes and drag queens did not raise my interest or other things.

Could it be that I became jaded by seeing self expression everywhere? I was not dressed crazily, but wearing very short shorts and a sleeveless vest that showed my arms. Despite my efforts, nobody would even take notice of me in this sea of unicorns and self expressionists. I was just too normal. Maybe back in the days when I dressed a bit more daring in Austria or even Hong Kong, I would get some attention and feel special for a moment. Not here.

Finally I decided to head home, smoke weed and go for a bicycle ride through Victoria Park and some quiet residential streets. Just looking at everything, feeling the smooth rolling of the bike, breathing in fresh air… felt so much more blissful. I realized that I can be satisfied or even get a dopamine kick from the simplest of things. Just walking or cycling and observing my surroundings, noticing small details.

I guess that’s a good thing. I mean it enables me to find joy in very simple and cheap things lol. I still love some excitement like the Pink show last week or upcoming Lana Del Rey, but I am glad I can enjoy the banalities of life. Ok I also love to travel to exciting, new and far away places, not that humble. The point is I don’t regret going to the pride festival today, as I never joined it before and wanted to know what it’s like. But once I noticed it was not giving, I could have just left and enjoyed my time at home. The FOMO had kept me strolling through the streets for four hours, feeling strangely lonely among thousands of gays. I really am an introvert and loner.

Tomorrow I will just chill by myself

London, 01 07 2023
Summer Blues

Nov 11, 2024

P!nk on Sunday in Hyde Park was amazing. She did all the hits and 3 cirque du soleil-esque stunts. When she did the aerial to Turbulence I cried so hard! It may have also been the cookie we ate that made the flow flow, but I was just too touched to have this experience, at sunset with 70,000 people!

Gwen Stefani, opening the show with a 1h set was euphoric, too, especially seeing her for the first time!

We had a great day in the heat of the park and I could indulge in my favorite pastime, fangirling my adored pop divas and getting lost in the music!

But the coming down on Monday was less like a glance through pink tinted glasses, and more a gray reality check. Somehow I was moody and cranky the whole week since, blaming it on the lack of sunshine. But still, it is summer, warm and I have plenty of free time… I felt empty and meaningless. What’s wrong with me? Now I can’t blame it on the dreadful winter, or the location or the dripping roof. It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me. When I took a stroll outside today to get fresh air and stop myself from watching addictive but trashy YouTube shorts, I lost the excitement about seeing the neighborhood or exploring something new. It all felt same same, and the people I encountered along the way had something weird or creepy about them. I couldn’t even find something to eat outside, so I ended up going home for a late lunch.

I realized that even back in Hong Kong during my last visit, I had this inertia and lack of motivation or purpose, even walking through my beloved old neighborhood. So was it not all about London in the end?

I really think I have to start working on my inner fitness, aka mental health and depression, again.

Last week I could not fall asleep for a few nights, when Topo already had passed out around 11. So I opened my Coronicles diary and read for like two hours.

It was astonishing that, even not that long ago, my mind was in a totally different space. And I was, somehow,…. cooler.

I was also not the happiest, and struggled through lock down, boredom and long distance. But what I wrote back then was more enlightened and smart than what I feel right now. I even had written down some meditation realizations that I could not even decipher here and now. Maybe I am just not reading and meditating enough? Or I am slowly frying my brain by the regular weed consumption? At least the last three days I felt like that, I could not even focus my attention and remember what I wanted to do a minute ago. I was trying to stay abstinent from MJ for a couple of days, and it felt like cold turkey. OK that’s a bit dramatic but emotionally I was a bit low.

So finally today I gave in and lit up the bong after my work and chores were done, and I could wash my hair with stinky fermented rice water and massage black castor oil in. I’ve been doing this ritual every hair wash now, trying to speed up my growth and promote thickness and fight grays.

I want my long hair back but I don’t have the patience. Every day I change my mind a few times between a full mane of curls like its 2021, or going back to hipster millennial twink side-fade-top-curly hair. Yesterday, the night before Topo left for Derbyshire today, we talked about our hair for an hour after midnight. lol.

We were fine these days, and he called me already from his room in the northern smalltown, where his first musical in the UK will premiere next week.

I feel ambivalent about it, thought I would enjoy the lonesomeness a bit more than I do. I didn’t really know what to do with myself today. But I think I will use this month quite well. To watch my guilty pleasure shows. To work out more. To write more diary entries and read more book(s). To drink wine and philosophize on the roof. To reconnect with myself.

Starting right now…

London, 28 6 2023
Poppies & Hobbies

Nov 5, 2024

It is still hot and dry in London. There was one tiny thunderstorm in the last two weeks, but other than that, it’s dry as a bone. The parks start turning brown again like a prairie. I also got quite dark by sunbathing on the roof on every occasion, without sunscreen! It just feels so good to melt under the heavy sun and just give in to the sizzling, dazing weight of the sun rays. This week I went biking once, and while riding through Haggerston Park, I just laid down in the grass, shirt off, and soaked up the sun. I was a bit stoned and felt even heavier than usual. As if I was sinking into the grass below me, turning one with the earth.

Basically I have been smoking weed daily this month, I can’t even remember when I last skipped a day. It feels good but also the magic has worn off a bit and now it becomes like a normal state. Hmmm.. Kinda like in our relationship. We are not excited anymore, not curious and fascinated by each other. More like expecting the next move, being disappointed when we were wrong and being aggravated when we are right. We feel a bit distant these days, from both sides, but nothing particularly happened. Sometimes I wonder if there is something that he is disappointed about in me, something that annoyed him or if I was neglecting or offensive. But maybe it is just like with Mary Jane, after the XXth time we are just not floating on cloud 9 anymore after a puff, not even cloud 5.

I catch myself making conversation out of pressure courteously. Like asking about work, staying attentive and giving at least some kind of feedback. But after we exchanged the schedules of unimpressive events of our days, there is not much left to say. It comes down to thinking about what to eat next, me cooking, sitting in the kitchen and deciding whether or not to watch something that night. Often he just lays at the sofa like an upside down frog and smiles at his phone, or we fall into some youtube hole that I opened and spiral into the oblivion of brainmatter depreciating content. All in all, not exciting or even satisfying.

I had some moments where I seduced him by just showing up after the shower and starting to make out, and we did have sex after. But it was always my initiative, and in between there is zero sexual tension, at least from him.

So the first euphoria of summertime and more light, more fun, more life, has started to ebb off, too, just like relationships and drugs. I catch myself being lethargic and moody again, even on the sunniest day, wearing the tiniest outfits and basking in the sun. Nothing is wrong, nothing feels right.

We are planning to travel to Europe in August, that should at least excite me, right?

The other day I was cycling or walking again, somewhere in Bow, and caught myself trying to get a glimpse of people’s homes by lurking into their windows. I am so fascinated with other people’s lives, what they do, how their homes look, what their hobbies may be. Where they head to when leaving their front door or who may be waiting for them at home. I would like to be invited, take a dip into their life, see more different ways of living. See more houses, talk more, or just hang out. Seems I am bored.

After all, I just realized I have a hobby, too. I like the rooftop garden a lot, spend every day there and watch my seedlings grow. The poppies I sowed last year are almost ready to harvest. The flowers I planted are in full bloom. Summer 2023 is here.

PS I bought tickets to See Pink and Gwen Stefani tomorrow at the Summer Carnival in Hyde Park. 140 pounds each. But I was craving for a thrill, entertainment, and people. Hope it’s worth it. Topo is going along but shows absolutely no excitement or interest in the event whatsoever. I brought him to a lot of shows already, and always paid for tickets. I wonder if he appreciates it, or thinks he’s doing me a favor by attending with me. In the end, I am the one who wants him to be there. Let’s see how tomorrow goes and if it is the last time I do so.

Btw I bought a (one) ticket to Wonderfruit in Thailand in December. OOps

There! I got another hobby! Going to shows and concerts and festivals! And traveling, another one! Whoop Whoop so busy lol.

London, 24 6 2023
Spontaneity

Nov 5, 2024

It still hasn’t rained in weeks. Well it rained once but that barely wetted the soil. It’s dry like in southern Europe here in the UK, and warm, finally since last week. I even got quite a tan from roasting on the rooftop a couple of times during this “work” week. It just feels so good! The heat on the skin, the relief when you feel a light breeze soothing it, the lethargy and heaviness it puts upon you, and the beautiful bronze tone that my skin has afterwards. I am a summer child at heart.

I also did more fun and spontaneous things lately, like riding the bike in the sunset, going to pubs or just grabbing take out. I just wanted to break out of the routine and feel more free and careless, it’s Summer after all! The summer has almost reached the peak already, with the nearing Summer solstice, and I already get fomo when I don’t spend every sunny minute or warm night outside, exploring.

Just like in my childhood, when all you wanted to do and did is soaking up every minute of this wonderful time of the year!

Today I went to Guillermo to take some pics of him in my swimwear for the website. We chilled in their beautiful garden and caught up on things, then did the sexy photoshoot and talked more about our relationships, dating, future planning and sex drive. I felt for the first time Guillermo had opened up and trusted me a bit more, also since we were alone and had time for it.

After an Aperol spritz and a few puffs of weed, I headed to Shoreditch to join my favorite teacher’s pilates class. Rach Lopez is the best instructor I ever had!

London, 16 6 2023
Dry spell

Oct 30, 2024

I just thought about writing and realized that it can be pretty dull or even tedious to just write about events and activities like in a log book. What is much more freeing for myself, and a way to release my feelings, is to truly write about THEM. What I feel, see, experience, think. Well I do that most of the time but I caught myself feeling obliged to detail every aspect of the day when there was a special occasion. Anyway, just do it.

Today was the first really warm day in England this year. Mind it is almost mid June and the daylight lasts till 10pm. But finally I could wear shorts, a tanktop and walk through the sunny streets listening to electro pop and Lana Del Rey. I was alone most of the day, finished work and felt tired, yet restless. The allergy made me really sleepy and lacking energy, but I had booked pilates and needed to head to Shoreditch. The streets are back to life, and a crazy mix of people is flocking outside to feel the summer. I feel the change of season and arrival of warm evenings, too. I am more spontaneous and a tiny bit more carefree than usual. I long for a reckless absorption of summer days and even more so, nights. I have a distant memory of the hot evenings in Vienna in August, and the sweet idle lethargy I felt there, despite being in emotionally difficult situations and also not having money.

Now I feel such emotions under the surface, ready to come out and manifest. Something like walking out at night, just to see what people are doing and if they are interesting. Having wine till midnight and hanging out on the roof. Eating ice cream every day and biking high through the quiet streets and neighborhoods. I am over 30 but that doesn’t stop me from feeling like a teenager coming of age.

It is harder to connect to it nowadays, though. What is it? After pilates, which turned out to be barre, I spontaneously bought a protein shake, and spontaneously walked to Brick Lane instead of home. I browsed the vintage stores for something “yellow” to update my summer wardrobe. But there was nothing to find. I didn’t get the usual emotion, and even Lana did not trigger me. Only the pollen did. I was sneezing non stop and felt the hay fever flare up like it was 1996.

I still spontaneously bought myself a salmon sandwich at Pret, but instead of eating it out on the streets, I felt the urge to come back home, to be ready, to organize myself and await Bo back home. So there was something that hindered that free falling feel of summer. A relationship. And it is not even the partner’s fault. I put it upon myself to become a domestic clockwork. To feel obliged to be at home before he does. To wait with eating until we are together.

I just noticed that it is a similar behavior as back then in Vienna with Giorgo. I never stayed out to cruise with friends or just float then either, always feeling an urge to be home by 7 the latest.

But what would be a healthy way out of this codependence? Maybe bit by bit reclaiming that freedom, like I did with my traveling habits? At first afraid to ask, then guilty to go, but now just booking first and then waving goodbye? Or do I have to talk about it and make a statement? I am just always afraid to cause some harm. Like the other day (yesterday) when Topo held my hand the entire time when we were going for a walk, to the supermarket etc.. and I just wanted to move around freely. Eventually I said I want my hand back, without any emotional attachment. He did not object or respond weirdly, but he walked around 2m from me for a while and his words got more sparse.

I actually did it again. The traveling part I mean. I re-booked the failed flight to Berlin to see Vitali in exchange for Malta! I’m gonna visit Margiela there in July, as she mentioned I could stay with her. I love it!! And who knows – maybe the carefree, light, exciting summer feel returns there, in the heat of the Mediterranean Sea…

London, 10 6 2023
Moselle

Oct 6, 2024
Last week I went on a spontaneous weekend with Loo and Juri in Frankfurt!

It was a bit complicated to arrange everything and find a time and place that accommodated the three of us, but eventually we reunited in Frankfurt, joined even by Chisandra, visiting FFM and Letizian, who touched down for a France trip with his parents. What are the odds? Two friends from Hong Kong book flights to Frankfurt individually and both land at 7 am, to meet their common denominator, me?!

Anyway, after a late brunch and Juri arriving with the rental car, the 3 main characters embarked on a road trip to the countryside.

Of course we had to stop over at Edeka to buy healthy groceries like fruit and nuts for the trip. No beers and chips here lol!

Juri drove, Loo slept in the back and I handled the playlist. Well sorta. Juri had a different music taste.

We passed by idyllic landscapes and finally arrived at our homestay at 5pm. The lovely host waited for us like a grandma for her grandkids. We got nice rooms and a very homey flair!

We explored the village and local fish-festival but moved on for dinner and drinks elsewhere. I was feeling very exuberant to be with my good, old friends, and to and to go on a roadtrip with a free heart and lightweight feel. We still got that chemistry, although we all changed, but there is a deep connection and trust with us.

Finding food for all of us was an unexpected issue, as I wanted scenic, rustic and German, but Juri longed for something vegetarian, healthy or vietnamese lol. So we skimmed all the villages for restaurants that serve more than meat and sausages, only to be told they were all fully booked.

In a nutshell, we were eating overpriced, mediocre food the whole Mosel trip. But the local Riesling was excellent! On the last day Juri had to return to Berlin, so Loo and I spontaneously let him drop us in Wiesbaden for one more night. I loved it! The spa town has a classy, almost Mediterranean flair and is kinda chic, and has plenty of nice restaurants! The last day we took a funicular to a Russian Orthodox church and the most magnificent public swimming pool I ever saw, maybe besides Krapfenwaldbad in Vienna, equally located on top of the vineyard hills, but rivalling it with a crystal clear pool and no screaming kids, and a Kiosk serving Riesling. (I had never thought of ordering drinks in the pool back in Austria though).

In the evening I had to head back to London, and finally arrived, after a 2h delay, at Midnight. Topo was already in bed and eager to tell me all about his first two days of rehearsal, while I was knackered, starving and zoning out. I was not asked anything about my trip.

The next day or later, I can’t remember, we had a fight that was quite severe with lots of petty references to things said and done long ago. I couldn’t stand it and doubted my own righteousness, so I apologized. Nevertheless the mood has been unstable ever since. And me going to Mighty Hoopla kinda tipped the scale.
When I was in HK I decided to go to the festival with Letizian and asked Topo to join, but he refused, saying he had a weird feeling when he even just hears the name Hoopla, and no good memory of the event last year. Yeah there was some drama in the very end, but that was not due to the occasion.

Anyway I accepted his decision and went with Letizian, but on the day of the event and after, Topo was really weird and standoffish, telling me he ‘wouldn’t want to talk about Mighty Hoopla and that I knew why’. Yesterday he watched something in the kitchen the whole evening, and when Letizian came home, he went straight into the bedroom without saying a word, leaving both me and my friend baffled and uncomfortable. I asked him why he went away and he had a few excuses.
- What do you want to do? (ehm… just hang out?)
- I have back pain
- Not a lot of space in the living room (when last week we sat here with 6 people)
I hate to use the word, but I feel gaslit, because whenever I call out some odd behavior like this, he makes me feel like I made this up in my head and that all his attitude was normal, explainable or my fault.

But he wouldn’t address what his issue really was, wanting me to figure it out by myself.

Ok let’s try: He is still traumatized by last year’s event, and feels insecure when I go to a gay event with lots of guys. He wishes I would show solidarity and also stay home this year. He didn’t like that I invited Letizian to stay over for 3 nights without asking for his consent. He wants to be asked more about his work and feelings. He didn’t like that I went grocery shopping alone and said I don’t need him to go to Tesco with me, only for him to go there alone right after.

All of this is true, and all of this I would do with a clear conscience. I feel so guilt tripped and emotionally blackmailed in this situation that it makes it hard for me to even say a normal sentence when he comes home soon, without sounding off, or hearing my own voice breaking.

Besides that I got tons of work for Ampheum, and every day they have new ideas and requests. Now that all my trips have concluded, I also don’t have a next milestone in front of me, and the English summer has so far not shown up with high temperatures, making me feel like the cold season has lasted for the last 8 months. Sigh.

I should talk about it, Keesha says so, everyone would say so. I would tell myself that a few years from now looking back. But the fear of confrontation, denial and conflict make me just wait for it to go away.

Let’s see what happens tonight. Letizian is still here. We should have dinner together or something. Act normal. Or awkward. Not my favorite moment.

London, 06 6 2023