Balestier, Singapore  29 3 2023

I am in my tiny room at the shabby Fragrance Hotel in Balestier, Singapore. It’s 5am and I can’t sleep. Is it the jet lag and time zone confusion that’s keeping me awake, or the aftermath of the relationship problems that is creating an underlying feeling of anxiety? Maybe both.

Either way, I had a great welcome to Merlion City! My friend Kau, from my memorable trip to Myanmar six years ago, picked me up from the airport and went to dinner with me! It was so nice to see a familiar face and have unproblematic talk and company. We ate Hainan Chicken Rice and some soursop at the hawker market. 

The tropical warmth of the night, the abundance of affordable food and exotic flavors, there is just this humming of opportunity in the air that excites me about Asia! We caught up on a lot of topics and views of the world, and I felt very open, attentive and not timid at all. I am just observing myself here, when I am in my most natural state, and I have to say I don’t feel or see any of the awkwardness, weirdness or shyness that Topo pointed out in me on many occasions in London. I am fine! 

I write this because I just recalled the situation with my friend Chisandra in London, that I never wrote down but that is a pivotal moment in how comfortable or uncomfortable I feel in my relationship.

So in January or February I wanted to go to barre class on a Friday night and meet Chisandra for dinner afterwards. Because I wanted to include Topo, I asked him to join us for dinner and get to know my friend. I also told Chisandra about it, and she seemed a bit nervous about this kind of encounter, as she only knew of him from my stories.

Anyway the day came and Topo picked me up from the gym. We walked to a Thai restaurant that we tried before near Liverpool street, where Chisandra was waiting already.

We said hi and I introduced them, at the Restaurant entrance amidst people and staff moving about, while waiting for our table. Eventually we were seated and I tried to bridge the new conversation, catching up on things with her, studying the menu, suggesting dishes and getting the waiter’s attention. It was quite stressful. Eventually we started to warm up and talked, Chisandra being very interested in our life, relationship and dynamic. She asked a lot of questions! One of them was about cooking and who eats what, and if it was a problem that I was mostly vegetarian etc. I was happy to share and said it was fine, as Topo eats everything and is not picky!

Later, back in our “comfort zone”, the kitchen, with weed, Topo started to reflect on the evening, and to analyze and to dissect how it went. He found that I was really awkward with her, like with an ‘auntie’, a relative, and not very close. That the way I talked was distant and weird. 

I explained that it seems quite natural, as the two of them did not know each other, and I tried to bring it all together, while also being a host and ordering etc. And that he had said the same about Aluna and me when he met her, despite us being very close and emotionally connected like brother and sister. 

He asked why I was like this and if it was something that happened in my childhood, and if I planned to do something about it! 

He sounded really condescending, almost pitying me, and made me feel like something was wrong with me and the way I approach friendships.

I said that I don’t wanna do something about it, I just accept it, and my friends do too, because I grew up to live with this side of me without feeling sorry about being an introvert anymore. 

Then he remarked that it made HIM uncomfortable and that he felt bored there.

My heart started to pound in my chest. Wasn’t it his problem if he felt bored? 

The ground of his negative disposition was another, as it seems, when he further complained that I made it sound so easy in front of Chisandra, to cook and eat together without meat, and just assumed that he would be fine with it. While actually he wanted to eat meat and sacrificed this for me, and I did not acknowledge or appreciate that in front of her. Again, he was adjusting and I was not thankful.

Eventually he said maybe he would hang out with her again, or maybe just me and her alone.

I was really hurt by this and, of course, could not share my reaction with him as he would go ballistic again. I kinda sucked it up. But when another time to hang out with Chisandra in the co-working space came up, and he suggested joining us, I said no. No no no! 

Back to Singapore.

After Kau left, I did not want to go to my soulless hotel room immediately, so I was wandering around for a bit, and I felt so blessed and thankful that I am able to experience this! Such a crazy feeling, after what still IS a gruelling journey, to be walking on the streets in a different part of the world, and just being there, existing!

I got most excited when I saw all the food options that I can’t wait to try tomorrow! So I went to my room, took a well deserved shower and washed the last 24h off my body. 

Eventually I got a message from Topo “How’s” Singapore?” which I did not reply to. I just can’t get my head around how someone does not even say good-bye or wish me a good trip or at least look at me before I leave for one month, and then casually texts ‘how it is’. 

So I switched off my phone, ignoring it, and leaving it for tomorrow to deal with. 

I fell asleep exhaustedly after reading a few lines of “Quiet”, only to wake up at 3:30am with the events of the last few days creeping up from the unconsciousness, sneaking into my dreams.
I tried several things to make myself sleepy, but here I am, wide awake, when it is just about to be bedtime according to my inner clock based on London time. A tiny ant just ran across my screen, there are plenty of them in my room. 

After meditating for a bit, I just accepted this state I am in and embraced whatever is coming. I want to enjoy the moment here and forget about any conflicts, and I think I have the right to do so after how he behaved in the end.

On the other hand I know I cannot hide or run away from a conversation that is inevitable and very likely to happen within the next few days. I just did not feel ready for it tonight. 

So I started planning my day for tomorrow, and first priority is the hawker center nearby to indulge in breakfast treats. It opens at 6am, which is in half an hour. Tempted lol. 

Later I will try to get a haircut, as I am not fully supportive of my kinda-mullet-hairstyle. I think a cleaner neck will go better with the new Gucci shades I bought in a moment of emotional instability at London airport while waiting for my flight. 

Back to Kau, and his story. He got married 4 years ago in Yangon and he and his wife decided to take the leap to go to Singapore. And although their life is tough, work is hard and money is not enough, they are hopeful and adventurous, thinking about trying it in the San Francisco Bay area next. And if all fails, they can always count on their family and go back to. (Although the political situation in Myanmar is absolutely sad and tragic right now.)

My takeaway is that you gotta believe in the good, take some risks and be open for change. 

I want to be like this. I am actually. Free your heart. 

Good night / good morning

I could not fall asleep  eventually and it was suddenly 7am, after reading all my old gloomy blog posts and traumatizing stories.. Why torture myself in bed with dark thoughts when the city is waking up outside with vibrant nature and markets?
The hawker center had my beloved Kaya toast and milk tea and soft boiled eggs, and all the cute old uncles and aunties ate with me. Later I joined them at the outdoor gym, doing a little workout, pull ups and stuff. It feels so good to be here! 

My life force is flickering up fiercely, gaining momentum and power. Even with 3 hours of sleep and with an 18h journey in my  bones. I still can’t fall asleep, so I decided to get ready and go downtown! 

What you waiting for?