London, Nov 2023 

Today I am still 41 years old. Tomorrow is my birthday. Big deal. 

So for my Sunday Pre-Birthday we ate the one remaining mushroom, I rolled a spliff and we went to Theydon Bois and into the woods. The shroom did make me feel quite elevated and light, and combined with the weed we roamed through the trees quite afloat. It was good, despite the cool and overcast weather. 

Eventually we went home, ordered food and I made rum cocktails. I got quite tipsy and the whole combo of stimulants hit me like a truck and I got super knackered. We went to bed and I had haunting dreams about Giorgio and him being a killer, hunting and getting a house full of people, me one of them. I ran and hid but some bitch made noises and gave us away. He appeared in front of me, with a big grin. I tried to kiss him and make everything good, but he still stabbed me. Eventually it got very wild and slightly sexual, and despite waking up a few times I continued the dream for a while. 

And then I had sex with Topo and we were quite uninhibited. Well, I was, for sure. 

Morning – nothing special, I had to clean out the drains with the plunger, fix the coffee machine after a landslide of hot coffee water poured over it, and had a call with Aluna, catching up on our old life.

Pilates was quite good at four, and I tried to hang out in Shoreditch for a bit, going to shops and stuff, but gave up bored. 

Finally I could relax a bit at home and get high, cook, blablabla too many boring details. What’s important is I don’t feel much about my birthday, I’ll have a work call at 8am, and Topo will be at work till late. No friends here to meet. Only me at home. I want to go and “treat myself”. Whoop dee doo. 

I got the cool leather jacket as a gift, that’s nice. And mom’s Sachertorte. 

What am I doing? Having major self-doubts right now about the direction my life is going. Almost like back when I felt stuck, in my hometown as a teen, and just waited for things to get better. It’s just now that I am in charge of myself. And I am the one who can make it better. And 42 is another year closer to the end. I wanna live!