London, 11 11 2023

After I showered and Topo came home, I was happy and excited to see him. He was a bit disappointed that I did not read what was written on the back of the photo he placed in the corridor next to Godiva chocolates. I had no clue it was meant for me. But yeah, I did not mention it to him via Whatsapp earlier.

So he ate what I cooked, and asked me to talk about my trip to Austria . First I brought the gifts I got from my family and unpacked them and explained to him. Also the things that were for him, just some food stuff. Then I talked about how it was staying with mom for so long and he asked what topics I talked about with my mom and family, and if they were deep. 

I started to explain how mom talks (all day) and how I respond to it, and that it can be deep but not about philosophy or something. That there are probably 70% rants and the rest stories from the past. Anyway he stopped me to give advice on what mom really needed, that was someone to listen to to ask questions about how she felt. I just wanted to continue my story about my week away, quite briefly actually, but he drilled back to what he wanted to say and also inserted stories about rehearsal and the cunts he had to deal with at work etc. And when I continued or tried to continue talking about my trip, his glance was empty and distant and he didn’t follow me anymore, just saying some passive “oh really” now and then. It felt a bit strange, as if he was put off suddenly and was not interested to converse anymore, unless it was for him to bring his train of thought to an end. Almost as he was stuck and annoyed that I carried on.

So that and the influence of MJ created a bit of a debating atmosphere and so I tried my best to turn it around as I was in no mood for another fight based on disagreements and sensitivities while babbling bs high in the kitchen. 

Also he used everything I said to prove something about me that he thinks is wrong or my blind spot. Like thinking I don’t listen to my mom and giving her unsolicited advice, when all I said was I am just applying my mediation practice, not to react to her when I am feeling triggered. 

I finally got to change topics and we went to bed. At night I woke up and he tried to touch and grab me, which normally I would be pleasantly surprised by. But I was kinda dreaming I was still in Austria on my mom’s sofa.

Only later in the morning, I replied to his cuddling, and we had quite intense and passionate sex. 

It was great. But after breakfast he was distant again and suddenly left at 11, for yoga before rehearsal. I was surprised that he left, and he said “what should I do at home?” It was not really mean or bad, but still strange and kinda the opposite of what he always says about communication and telling each other our plans.

I was not sad for long, as the weather was stunning and I went for a hike with a spliff in Leytonstone. I discovered a very cute hipster coffee shop and street with cute houses that I could imagine living in. Also it is just a few steps from Wanstead flats, where I met and petted a purring red, fluffy cat for a while, before lighting up and a guided meditation on a little grass hill, absorbing the mild November sun.

It was the perfect Saturday afternoon. Back home I cooked and ran errands, and got more high. I was not totally lost, but kept forgetting what I wanted to do, and succumbing to iPhone video holes. 

Now he will come home soon. Let’s see what mood he is in now. Hot or cold. I said thank you for cleaning and the welcome greetings. Guess it is still not seen appreciated enough. 

Soon is my pre-birthday day as he will be working on Tuesday evening. Hope it’s not raining. Also I don’t know what to do on my birthday, kinda sad but whatever. 

Gotta go. xoxo