London 10 11 2023

Having started the morning at 6:30 am with a view over the fields of Salzburg, I now find myself dancing, high in the kitchen, to Kylie’s new album in East London. It’s been a journey…

Last week I flew to my hometown for the first time in a year, and had mixed feelings. and a cough. Veronica picked me up and we were happy to see each other. Went right to mom’s home and had dinner together. Mom looked quite fit and happy, but her torn knee was another physical setback… 

Anyway we had a good time and talked. Veronica is fighting with her boyfriend and maybe breaking up. I wish she would. I don’t tell her that though. 

With mom it was ok, we talked a lot about old times and dramas, sometimes too deep or intense, so that some old wounds would bleed again. The days went by real quick besides the fact that I did not do much but go for a short walk to the neighboring village, cook with mom and listen to endless rants. On Sunday we went to Johann’s family. There was an awkward moment in the beginning when we all stood in the corridor, not knowing what to say, and just stared insecurely at teach other. Eventually we warmed up a bit, and I was more talking to my nieces than following the usual old stories or problem pushing questions. My brother cooked real nice and gave me an early birthday gift with a very sweet card. That evening I still went to meet Gabriel and his new girlf at aunt Erika’s house. He smoked until his eyes were half shut, and told stories about his psychedelic experiences, including instructions, upon my indirect request. 

Seems everyone in the homeland is doing some sorta shroom or stamp. For sure it was not his cute, privileged girlfriend, who was just listening in awe.

Anyway the point is, I bumped into lots of relatives those days, and everyone wanted to meet me! Not literally everyone tho, but ok. I had a brekkie with my cousin and he made crepes. And I opened up quite quickly and had that good old feeling of ‘fuck I overshared’ afterwards. Still interesting cuz I had actually never shared more than 2 sentences before. Like ever. Also bumped into Annegret briefly and Erika several times. Plus my other with her new baby on the way to the farm. 

So I also walked a few rounds over to the village. It was beautiful everywhere, with the autumn sun and meticulously groomed gardens and even farms. Everything is so perfect, so familiar yet so far from where I am. People greet you and frown if you don’t, their faces are scanning you and trying to categorize where you belong. And speaking in local dialect for 7 days felt so unusual. Paired with olfactory references (silage at those farms), and old family homes and gardens, it quite messed with my mind. 

I felt as if that part in me, the one I left behind around 2008, when I moved to Hungary, had reemerged and was not getting along with my newer me, the one who created an international delusional fantastic dream lifestyle. My brain started to think in Austrian dialect like there was no tomorrow, and I spoke to people in a weirdly outdated sounding language. I even was not really good at telling any story to my family, because I had a very bumpy speech, with pauses, searching for the right sentence to make sense. So cliche I know, but really my brain is faster in English now. 

Talking to mom about the whole dad gambling and bankruptcies stories also conjured up a familiar, but unpleasant feeling. Maybe all these pictures for my senses just line up in the same way as back then, and bring back some buried emotions from the unconscious. 

I neither felt belonging there nor to London. 

After 6 nights I was about time to move out from mom’s sofa and head out, even though she already misses me and got used to the daily social interaction. 

I took the train to Salzburg and finally met my friend Lily againm after 5 years, when I had stayed at their new house with Xavier. 

This time alone, I was a bit nervous, whether we would have changed a lot, she was a mom now, or if my weed times in London had already altered my personality. 

She looked like always, not aged much, still the same cool blonde with piercing blue eyes. We chatted right away, it didn’t feel weird or distant. Their house was still awesome with these views, and her daughter Johanna is the sweetest 2 year old I ever saw. The way she babbles in Salzburgerisch is just adorable. 

We had Spinatknödel, which Lily cooks kinda ritually whenever I show up every few years, and I’m loving it. We even went to a Pilates class together in the local kindergarten and planked with the local housewives and grandpa in jeans. It was quite good though, and the first day I did not cough my insides out from the bronchitis I had. 

We still talked until midnight, and again I shared a lot of darker thoughts and feelings. It just starts to flow out of me once the cork is removed. Like bashing the London life, our Grandpa inheritance story, my dad’s death anniversary etc. With my self-satyrical humor I think I brought it back to lighter topics, and I talked about my travels and the future with AI. LOL. I talked much more than them, but I think it’s because they are both more introverted than me. Or just sick of my BS. Or I never let them talk. LOL. Fuck.

I slept in the TV room, and woke up quite a few times with intense dreams, dealing with the emotions of the whole week. Moreover, work wanted  to reach me and I had to make up an urgent dentist appointment to cover the flight time back to London this morning. And here we are, sitting high in the salon, writing this and listening to disco pop divas. 

I have one week here, then I move on to the next adventure…

phew ok that one week of MJ abstinence really paid of lol. floating to the bathroom…