London, 8 10 2023

It’s Sunday morning, noon almost, and I am writing in the daytime today! What does that mean? That some things are on my mind and I need to get them off. I actually hate ranting about how awful things are and stating facts about relationships that will never be undone anymore, and writing about them makes them manifest even deeper. Just like I am not talking about serious relationship problems with friends, because mentioning it to them is like a one way street, and once you reached the point of no return (aka told too much and too many people how stuck you feel), you can’t suddenly go back and say “oh it’s all fine now, that was just a phase”. I saw people doing this before, and it is super annoying and also makes them less trustworthy.

Now back to why I am still writing and ranting then. Number one it is for myself, not to tell other people, and number two, I still want to document the way things go, as my foggy mind and biased memory of events and circumstances tends to play a trick on me in the future by downplaying it or simply pushing the bad memories into a place, well hidden in the depths of my unconsciousness.

So I think it is better to face them now. I am actually not very angry or upset about how things are, but a bit stunned and also clueless of how to act / react.

The icy atmosphere has persisted since our big fight that ended in “narcissist”, and the seeming reconciliation of the first day with an apology, was only an attempt to play the ball back to me and make the next step to smooth out the waves.

The thing is I don’t react well to passive aggressiveness and games. If I feel not sweet, not talkative, not like holding hands or saying bb, it is not that I decide to hold them back and be cold.

I have a feeling though, as if Topo does the cold shoulder thing intentionally to teach me a lesson, to make me react to it, to protect himself and to be distant in case things go worse.

I understand him, but it also means there is no coming forth for both of us.

Like we hug and cuddle at night or in the morning, but as soon as it becomes somewhat sexual, I get totally blocked off. 

Also, he will wake up in the morning very cold, distant and quiet. He does not talk to me the whole day unless I ask something, and the answer will be monosyllabic, aloof or absolutely indifferent. 

No comment on how the food I cooked tastes, no question about my stuff or work. When I do say something unsolicited, there will be literally no reaction. No comment. Maybe just a “hmm”.   

So I start to get this lump in my throat, because it makes me insecure and my voice will be shaky and I won’t sound very natural anymore. 

I suggested going to Hampstead Heath yesterday, and he agreed with “sure”, and finally got dressed slowly and reluctantly. We took the overground to Gospel Oak, and didn’t speak the whole trip. I make a few remarks about our environment, like just commenting on things we see, but they don’t lead to a conversation, ever. I think it is just my natural behavior, looking at something, describing it and turning it into a conversation. In “good times” I think it works, and usually we have something to talk about.

But in tense situations like these, it feels as if I am an awkward nerd trying too hard and keep stating stupid facts like a lame Wikipedia.

Anyway we started walking up the heath, it was warm and sunny like in August, and flocks of people were hanging out there, picnicking, playing, lying down. Everyone was blissful but us. 

Topo made a miserable face, and walked in toddler speed. And I mean so slow I could barely manage to walk straight ahead, while he was looking at his hands and staying behind me.

It talked about chestnuts and birds, I brought snacks and water, and we had some infused coconut oil before.

No feedback. I also asked a lot of things about his work, or dates that I want to consider in my planning for October, November. No concrete answers, reluctant to check it. I asked when I should go to my home country, he’s like “whenever, you do what you want”. 

He looked like his favorite dog just died and he lost the will to live. Finally we reached the magnificent Kenwood House and had lunch there. The edible finally kicked in. He said it didn’t. We decided to head back, and suddenly he walked faster and faster, the closer we got to the train station. At home I cooked and he watched Instagram reels, laughing out loud at what he found funny. He did not laugh a single time the whole day with me.

So that was just proof his disposition was not a general low mood or depressive episode, it was clearly a reaction to being with me, doing things with me, me talking etc. 

We ate, smoked more and watched Kath and Kim, when he fell asleep. I felt productive, watched more, read, looked for flights to Austria….

We did not sleep well and woke up cold and distant again. 

I think he is doing this on purpose, to make me react and therefore get myself into trouble again, for critisizing him or blaming him for being quiet. The answer will be “because you got quiet” or “I am still waiting for an apology” or “nothing has changed you still…”, or the good old “I am just focusing on myself, that makes you think I am mad at you”. The thing is focusing on himself usually means becoming very selfish and careless, e.g. doing the laundry with exclusively his own clothes, or not helping me hang them, or buying only things in the supermarket that he craves, not for mutual sharing. 

In any way, me addressing his behavior will not make it better, as he thinks it is up to me to turn things around and become nice, caring, sweet and give him security. The problem is I don’t have the capacity to provide these important attributes at the moment or maybe ever.

Meanwhile I am reading more about the dharma path, and putting my own needs, wants, dreams and striving for happiness aside, focusing on living well and understanding and helping others. 

In theory I understand that the loss of self would also mean the loss of pain and struggling that I feel now, caused by my own attachment to my ego, my emotions, dreams and plans. I feel unhappy because things are “not the way I want”, but also don’t let go of wanting them. 

I think it is a fine line between staying somewhat ambitious and positive and totally surrendering to life’s circumstances.

I would like to ask one of the Buddhist masters, where to draw the line? What if someone was in an abusive relationship, where the partner wants to gain power and demands more and more of them. Are they supposed to put their own needs completely aside and fulfill the “happiness” of the other person, by being humiliated and degraded, so they can get their way? And would this in a bigger sense, not make the whole world a crazy place of devoted subordinates who are selfless, and egocentric mere mortals who exploit their good hearted nature? It doesn’t seem to work unless EVERYONE participates.  

I will still keep on reading.

Today we go to a birthday celebration of a former colleagues of Topo, a pub in Mayfair. Don’t know how that’s gonna turn out, am I supposed to act sweet, or just get there, mingle and get drunk? When I asked when we would go, what the details, he showed zero interest again and asked “when do YOU wanna go?” When clearly it all depends on the invitation details and his ballet class today. He refuses to make a statement like “lets go at 4” because he always wants me to make decisions, only to tell me he always has to follow me in the next fight.

Ok I’m done with the rant. I have actually a lot of important planning to do, and dates are quite stacked. Madonna and Ellie Goulding shows keep me in London till the 24th, then there is not enough time to go home before 1 November. Then a window that I could go, but means either my birthday in Austria and not together, which is weird, or coming back for my birthday, which could also be weird. 

Then I should get a dentist appointment, visit family, renew my tourist visa.

Should be ok by November, but I don’t want to go when it’s already cold and dark.

And there is still the possibility of going to HK in December, which I never addressed and in light of the current situation is a touchy subject. It may seem like I was running away or going out of spite, but that is not my intention. 

I just want to see my friends and maybe go to wonderfruit!

So I hope I can work things out these days. Just afraid I book things and they will be overthrown by how things are developing. But actually that doesn’t matter.

I will now return to my old habit of highking, just because the weather is insanely warm, he is teaching / going to ballet anyway, and NOTHING ELSE I WANNA DO IN LONDON.

Bye