London, 1 10 2023 

The next morning I got up, had breakfast and internally had decided to get out and into nature as soon as possible to escape the hostile atmosphere at home and get some sunshine and weed.

Before I headed out I asked if he was still angry, and the clear answer was yes – as I had not apologized yet. I wanted to know what exactly I should apologize for and yadda yadda yadda we were fighting again, just calmer and more deliberate. 

YOU’RE A NARCISSIST! 

The bomb exploded. Over and over again. I grasped and swallowed, but did not break. I just said that I had no proof that I wasn’t, and that narcissists usually don’t think they are, so I would not know.

After that, I was up against the wall, nothing to say or do anymore. I am seen as a pathologically toxic and manipulating psychopath who can’t feel love or empathy and feels like he deserves more than anyone else for being such a grandiose being. 

If that was me…

I shivered, and headed out to go to some forest. I forgot the keys inside and had to knock again. Shame.

My heart was pounding and blood racing all the way on the train to Chingford. I didn’t think, just started walking, over meadows, into the woods, finding shelter under the century old, wise trees.

I stopped to take a hit, and got pretty high quickly, stumbling through the woods, south to north, aiming for Epping. I had to cross a few hated roads, and had coffee at a random tea hut. I still was thinking a thousand thoughts per second and could not really immerse myself with nature the way I usually do.

I was hungry, thirsty and exhausted, nearly 20 km in, and reached Epping station with some relief and fear at the same time. Back to our flat.

For a few hours I was alone there, organizing my paperworks and emails, looking for airbnbs in foreign countries, and checking flight schedules. 

Later we just played hide and seek at home, before I fell asleep on the sofa, where I spent the entire night.

This morning avoidance again, until we had a talk in the kitchen. Calm, slow, but not less intense. I feel guilty for making him feel so insecure and lost.

I can’t solve it right now. I need to breathe and settle in. Where do I walk to today?