London, 19 09 2023 

We arrived back in London on Sunday night, after 80 km of hiking, paradise, open skies, villages and sun. There was some rain in St. Ives at the end but the entire journey was amazing. I loved the heather covered cliffs, the seals basking on the beach, the flowers, bumble bees and stone cottages. Food, air, fresh and clean. We hiked a lot, only one small fight, I stepped down from my high horse to be less judgemental. 

We took the shrooms, but it was not a trip, only a light breeze of feeling, floating on the beach, but the rain drenched us and made us go back to our castle. I loved the gardens, tropical feeling with giant leaves and palm trees. Sweet tea ladies calling us “little darlings” and the simplicity of only walking, sleeping and eating. 

Back to London, down in to the underground, a lot of intimidating faces and people acting weird. No more sweetness, only struggling to stay afloat. 

The rain came with us, and the first day in our flat was laying heavy on my mood. I had to get out, take a walk and feel the sky expanding above my head again. 

More work to do, trying to put more effort, scared I may be unneeded or redundant at some point. Trying to make myself seen in the company, and in need of some validation for myself. 

Another tiff this morning, I just wanted the kitchen to be clean, but it turned into a discussion about appreciation of things that he thinks I don’t see. I am nagging, I am tense, I say things at the wrong time and in the wrong tone. Defending himself like a child, and pulling out receipts from many months ago. About the time when I refused to try to fit the armchair through the bedroom door, but in the end we did and it fit. What does it have to do with me asking him to wipe away the coffee from the counter?

I went to the co-working space, not out of spite or to avoid the situation, but because I needed to get a change of scenery, and Quay had asked me to come yesterday. It is so spacious and lively at SOHO works. We have nice talks, although not very in- depth, and he is busy with work and going to places and waxing.

I stayed here, enjoying the quiet, the non-confrontational environment. Free flow coffee, caffeine spike, soon mary jane high. 

I used the time to work and to write, to give him some space and to cool down the frontiers. Hope he is not mad all the time, or does things out of spite like clean up everything like a freak and call me out if I make any small mistake myself. Pettiness is what I hate most, it is the ugly face of not knowing what else to do in confrontation with critique and feeling exposed. 

One more week and his new job starts, a new routine, time for me.

He doesn’t want me to control him, to observe everything he does, yet he can’t take care of things himself, never decides what to eat, goes grocery shopping or cleans the bath. 

Enough of this shit, I don’t want to waste my thoughts anymore. I got shit to do myself, people to care for. Aluna is pregnant, she told me yesterday! What happy news, big change in their life, and my reaction should be bold. I tried to not talk about myself this time, not too much. 

I felt much better down at the coast, walking and feeling connected to nature. As soon as I was back to the flat, the dampness, the clutter, the dying plants on the roof. I felt a dark cloud creeping over me, darkening the sky and my mood. 

I have problems living together, that one is clear, I don’t know what to do about it, full of fear 

that if I don’t have it my way, if I stay, 

will disappoint my future, the movie I am directing won’t go my way.

But I don’t want to rush, be headless and cruel. To say it with the words of Oprah,

When you don’t know what to do, do nothing. Be still.

Here is something I wrote yesterday when I caught some sunlight in Gilbert’s Slade.

Cinnamon swirl

I’m happy 

Only on the run

Travelling 

Moving 

Walking a new path

Finding a place under the sun 

As soon as I should

Grow roots and settle down

I seek another adventure 

Visit another town

Alone

I smile 

When I am on the road

Leaving every day anew

The frown appears 

When I touch down

My domicile is called bad mood 

The last time

I was happy and content 

Was walking along the coast

Where every step meant

Leaving the past behind

Curious of what I’d find

Orazio Overton