London, 29 09 2023 

Finally, it is autumn, sweataaa weathaaa, PSL season. The weather is still quite nice in London these days, sunny, cool and balanced. It’s mid autumn festival! 

Last week I went for a few more hikes, and tried new areas. I walked from Theydon Bois to Arbridge and Hainault Forest, and had a magical encounter with a very calm and cuddly horse! I smoked quite a bit during that, or even had some infused oil before. Honestly it felt good, but at times I felt a bit lost and strange in this unknown area, far off tube, bus or convenience stores. I really had to rely on google maps to navigate my way back to sobriety.

It kinda culminated last Monday in Wanstead Flats, where I had escaped to in the afternoon due to brilliant fall skies and mild temperatures. I made a spliff and got there, smoked the whole thing in a few stops and floated through forests full of daylight trickling in between the leaves, and dry grass meadows full of earth dwelling ivy bees. Whenever I squatted down to observe the busy insects, and rose to walk afterwards, I got so dizzy and euphoric, that I almost blacked out a few times. 

Still managed to order a tea and cake at the cute tea hut, that was, to my surprise, open and crowded on a Monday afternoon. 

Anyway, in the end I walked back to the station and somehow found my way home, where I cooked dinner and tried to act as normal as possible. I think it was a failure cuz I must have looked shitfaced. 

That evening I decided that I went a bit too far, in my attempt to escape reality and to feel abysmally close to getting unconscious. At times I had really felt psychedelic, like I am almost becoming one with nature and the world. 

And besides being a good feeling or experience, once in a while, I decided it should not be a regular thing. So I stayed abstinent for the course of the week, having intense dreams and sleepless nights throughout. 

Today I started to feel clear and fully functioning. So I rewarded myself with some MJ before heading out to meet Eclen, who had just moved to London too, in a cafe in Exmouth Market, the more upscale area we stayed in when we moved here. 

I wasn’t high, just relaxed enough to have a thoughtful but bubbly conversation, and the capacity to invest myself in these 1.5h of social contact. 

After that I walked past the flat on Greys Inn, to the busy Kings Cross station, and headed back home. I cooked cod filets and Topo came home after having a few drinks with his singing colleagues from a recording session. He was tipsy and smoked, and told me all about each character and agenda of the people he hung out with. Praising the hard working one he respected, and scorning the posers he despised.

Later in the kitchen I vented a bit about work and some stupid last minute decisions they made, and he stopped me saying: this topic gives him anxiety, can we stop talking about it.

I still wanted to close my story but he really insisted on talking about something else as he still felt anxious. So I did, we ate and started talking about “deserving” things in life. Maybe continuing what I had heard earlier, feeling some people get somewhere because they have advantages or it’s business, and not because they deserve it. 

I kinda explained I don’t feel that, I think when people get somewhere, no matter how, they DID the things to get there, and hence deserve it. I had no negative connotation to this, I rather compared it to “survival of the fittest” in the animal kingdom.

So he asked me what was my drive then, if not the feeling I deserve what someone else has achieved.

And I had to think about it, what it was that drives me. I replied that it is more a certain lifestyle that I want, and knowing what I have to do to get there, is what drives me, regardless of others. But that at the moment I had not much drive, as I reached a comfortable plateau that made me a bit “lazy” or something. 

Surprisingly he stopped me and said “nonono you don’t understand me, I know what you are thinking, you don’t have to defend yourself”.

So I was startled as I had not felt defensive at all, and said all good, I wasn’t . Somehow it escalated and he insisted that I was being defensive and not letting him talk, and was so rude or bad to him to keep defending myself and not admitting it. So I said there must have been a misunderstanding and that I am sorry for causing this situation. 

But he refused to accept an apology as he said it wasn’t honest, and the truth was I was defensive and NOBODY would accept this apology.

I said that’s the best I could do in all honesty as that’s how I felt. 

Anyway he still repeated his points a few more times, talking fast and aggressively. I held all my arguments back cuz I felt it would only fire him up more if I came with my logic, so I just said let’s not fight.

He still is angry now and just banged the door to the bedroom where he hides from me.

He wants to get in my head, change the way I feel about what happened, feel I was wrong and apologize for it. By any rational measure, this would not work, in contrast, it drives a much bigger wedge between us, as I feel manipulated to feel guilty, gaslit to be delusional in my experience of what happened, and blackmailed by rejection and anger, in an attempt to change who I am and what I feel. It’s wrong in so many ways! 

I had apologized so many times in the past, usually after a conflict, and there’s nothing wrong with being wrong! 

But if I don’t feel it, I can’t fake it! 

So I stopped any attempt to confront, justify or rationalize the situation, as it would just be a big fucking explosion, a nuclear chain reaction, once that last atom of respect and trust would have been split to release the radioactive power of an atomic bomb. 

Not in the mood for atomic bombs and nuclear disasters TODAY, but I gotta brace myself.

I just try to detach but I also feel I am losing precious time with shit like this. An observation he obviously does not make, is that it’s 99% HIM who starts to have a problem with what I said or did. So either he is very sensitive or I am very problematic. Probably both. 

Talking about sense, I am reading a very scientific, philosophical and complicated book about rationality by Steven Pinker, and I like to recall what I read and tell Topo about the concepts I learned about. Also, it is nice to have a deeper philosophical discussion sometimes, besides loving the smart umour of Kath and Kim lol. 

Now interestingly I observed, he vehemently disagreed with anything I remotely agree with or even just neutrally recall, that came from the book with the title RATIONALITY.

Almost as if he preventively wants to justify that emotion is sometimes superior to reason, and “yes and no”, his favorite answer. I had not even claimed these theories to be right or that I followed them, but he seems to hate when I am rational, and this book, written by a leading cognitive scientist, professor at Harward, could encourage and improve the rational part in me even further, seems triggering to him. It happened a few times when I talked about the book, that he pulled a face of dislike and disapproval, or even refused to give any comment or join the discourse. Example, I find it irrational and useless for mom to be scared when I take a plane, as it is just statistically very unlikely to be dangerous, whereas when I bike through busy East London, it is much riskier. 

It would just save that person so much worry and overthinking if they were more rational about it.

But he countered that it’s also nice that someone is caring to be worried. Actually a very selfish point of view, now thinking about it. Cuz he receives the attention and caring, but the other person has to go through worry and fear of loss!

I’m fucking too rational, for real!

It is as if he was afraid his theories and arguments based on feeling could be undermined by a more scientific  and factual view of the world and ultimately, make me “gain” more power and take it from him, as he so often explains himself. I have no feeling or thought about power to be honest, I just wanna live in peace!

Anyway I am going to read the goddamn book and be very rational about my further decisions in life, as I have not always had the best sense for reasoning when it was to make life changing decisions. 

Yeah, I have to be more like an accountant sometimes when it comes to the books of my life. It’s almost halftime! 

I feel better writing down what happened, and aware of the fact that this is only my point of view and my own, biased experience, I’d rather recall it now than having a blurred memory about the tiff later.

I mean I get that he feels that way about me, that he is right and I am wrong. It is just proof that if I feel the same way, at least one of us must be off track here. And statistically the chances are 50:50 that it’s me who is wrong and self centered.

But I admit that, rather than thinking I know the truth, the only truth, and EVERYBODY would feel the same way I did, except him. 

Now on the good news section, I finally bought a ticket for Madonna’s Celebration Tour, which now starts in two weeks here in London O2! I booked for the third night, and even thought about my outfit already, buying an 80s silky bomber jacket with wide shoulder pads, reminiscent of the one with the crown from Truth or Dare,, pairing it with tight black jeans and the Blond Ambition T-Shirt I bought years ago at Forever 21 in Hong Kong.

I even found sunglasses very similar to the iconic ones from the 1990s era, the one she wore at the press conference in Rome. Basta per favore! 

I also wanted to grab two tickets to go with Topo, but after another escapade like this I am not so inclined to share my passion.

Then it is time to think about other, more serious questions, like leaving the UK to renew my tourist visa after almost 6 months on the Island have passed, and finding a way to get my broken tooth inlays fixed somewhere abroad with low cost dentistry. Family visit is also on the list, as well as my still pending wish to return to HK in December.

A lot to plan and consider, but luckily I am in a position with a lot of time and freedom to even think about these first world problems.

For now, I think I’ll take another hit, read a bit about rationality and hope that this can keep me from tossing and turning tonight. After all, I just changed the sheets and cleared the space with Palo Santo, earlier today. 

Lol

xoxo