Essex, 20 08 2023 

Two weeks have passed since our big fight, and we did not have a talk or reconciliation afterwards. I wanted to give him a chance to say what he wanted to say, but at one point it had fizzled out and we had no more words for what happened, only awkwardly walking on eggshells or on broken glass. 

I fled into my comfort zone of Tower Hamlet Cemetery park, usually with a glass pipe, and also pushed my body to the limit by joining all kinds of fitness classes. I’m ripped!

Moreover, I went to church. Like literally. One Sunday morning I was up on the roof and heard church bells, I heard my calling. Just kidding, I just remembered that I wanted to join a mass in St. Peters church as it looked cute so I spontaneously went there. To my disappointment the main church was closed because of “asbestos” from roof damage, so the small congregation gathered in a white party marquee outside. I was quickly grabbed and introduced to the members by the quirky priest (“a vicar with a bible – so cliché”). I had a quick chat afterwards and the people were interesting, from actors to social worker in Afghanistan there was a bit of everything. 

I never went back since.

But I also resumed my practice at the London Buddhist Centre the following Tuesday, and out of reluctance to go back home, I signed up for voluntary cleaning. 

A cute black twink saw me staying behind and also joined, later chatting with me and exchanging numbers. He wanted to show me his coworking space in Shoreditch. I never texted him, but of course bumped into him in front of Tesco, high and looking crazy (me…)

I ventured more out into nature, last week just abandoning work and heading to Epping forest, where I threw myself into an Odyssey of hiking, smoking, bushwhacking and hiding from hunters. It was amazing.

I returned home exhausted and had to nap, but I took with me a feeling of accomplishment and freedom.

Yesterday I biked all the way to Essex and explored the River Lea. 

The only place that gives me joy at the moment is nature, sunshine, music, getting lost in dreams and feelings. We have not fought since then, but also live quite next to each other. Topo had a lot of rehearsals, so I was happy to be alone at home most of the days. This weekend we got friendlier and had a picnic at All Points East in Victoria Park, where we saw the concert for free beyond the fences.

He is quite sweet but I have a hard time reciprocating the feeling, I am moody or just absent and robotic. 

Today we got a message from our herbalist and he suddenly offered shrooms. We bought four grams and started thinking when was the best time and place to experience. I am quite curious, but I have to be in a better state of mind than these days. Also I want to prepare a manifesto, a list of things I want to address and work on with the help of this nature spirit. 

I don’t wanna stumble into it, I want to be elevated. So I think it may have come at a right time now, not searching for it, but just accepting it. And so I hope we can find out and accept whatever we discover when the day has come.

Meanwhile we have to plan our Europe trip in mid September, but it seems harder than I thought, as hotel prices are crazy, from Vienna to Lisbon. I thought about going to Portugal but the hotels we can get with the voucher suck and even Airbnb is super pricey. 

Also lacking motivation to do the tedious planning, that normally makes me feel excited and energetic.

Tomorrow I have to try to stay focused and figure out how to make the online store at work make some revenue, or my whole existence as a “digital nomad” is questioned. Besides the fact that the HK tax authorities are starting to ask questions about my country of tax residency, and not being able to open a bank account here, the entry point at the border is always a bit of a thrill. Will the gate open? 

Anyway, I was just watching a lame movie about a guy running away into the wild. Sounds romantic but he was kinda dumb. He burned his money….

I will do it better.