London, 06 08 2023 

I totally stopped writing after the last entry on the way to Malta. Too busy dealing with everyday life I guess?

Malta was awesome! I enjoyed the place, the company and the weather! I felt once again that I was living the Mediterranean dream.

Back to London, I stayed only for one day and then headed to Burlington, and  actually continued to Norwich right away. More details about the England-time later. I liked Norfolk!

So I  feel I have spent the whole July out of London, and the weather was and still is not giving anyway. Cold and rainy everyday. Well today was quite sunny actually.

To come back to the actual topic of the week or even month, we had a big fight last Friday night and the mood is still a bit frosty today.

It started with some scheduling conflicts, caused by me being too casual about timings, and stressed him to the point where Topo stopped talking and acted weird, like not staying with me at the supermarket, not helping, letting me pay everything, and grimacing like “I don’t give a fuck” whenever I asked a very trivial question like if he wants zucchini. 

So after two hours of getting the silent treatment I said something and of course he blamed me for being silent and always making it weird, and I got so heated because obviously he was the one mad at me, which I totally did not deserve. So I think I got quite emotional and he suddenly started shouting swear words at me, like “diu lei lo mo pok gai”, fuck you, fuck off, FUCKKK YOUUUUU… like 20 times. 

I did the opposite then and got quieter, also quite intimidated and scared, and he started recording the whole conversion with his phone (after the swearing of course). 

The whole thing for me was actually only about him giving me such an attitude just because the planning was not perfect… To be mentioned, the plan was to go to Barre class and then check out a bike that I found for him on facebook, since his old one was dismantled. There was also this factor of ungratefulness, that I even made the effort in his absence to find a new bike for him, but he only focused on being stressed, because a guy would come later to pick up his old bike, which we would not have made in time. 

But he started opening all the old drawers with things he said to me during the show run last winter, and that by not taking him seriously and using it against him I would betray him. Also that last time I went roller skating I did not invite him, rather just asked “I go skating do you want to join”…

And that I asked him not to put lotion on while sitting on the sofa… because… oily!?! Yeah anyway the words “follow your agenda” popped up a few times and that just sent me, so eventually I stormed off for a walk and smoked, and returned later.

We didn’t speak for two days and avoided each other as best as possible, and it’s so weird to sleep in the same bed. Actually I did speak, like at least polite questions, but he did not ask me anything.

That’s when I started to go to church and back to the buddhist center. The church was closed due to a broken roof, so the mass was in a marquee in the yard and quite messy but charming, and everyone was nice and talkative and smiling. Yesterday in the mediation I decided to stay longer to do voluntary cleaning, and chatted nicely with the few peeps that joined. One guy looked quite cute in high waist pants and a loose denim shirt, with an almost modelesque physique and piercing eyes. We chatted a bit, his name is Q and he’s from Africa . He suggested bringing me to  his coworking space if I was in Shoreditch, which I may do.

Anywho, I had to go to spiritual places like this just to feel some positive human(e) energy and not feel totally isolated and lost in this city. In times when we don’t get along, I have no soul here to connect with or just forget the trouble for a minute. I become this weak little victim, like the school boy that was bullied, who gets more quiet and withdraws the more he gets hurt. 

Meanwhile we started talking again, yesterday quite a lot, maybe because of MJ, but today is quite cool again. To be specific, he is doing his things quite demonstratively, like “I can do what I want at my own timing and you’ll feel what that is like”, like eating his own stuff, watching some japanese musical right now or just being indifferent.

I just came back from a workout at the Refinery, and wanted to cook a curry. I smelled food already, so I said “did you eat already cuz I want to make a curry”. The answer was very revealing and disturbing at the same time. “I ate because yesterday you said you couldn’t cook (the curry). 

An illogical inference, as the reason I didn’t cook yesterday was because I had eaten a huge bowl of pasta.  So that would not lead to the logical reasoning “oh he didn’t cook yesterday, so he must not cook today”. Guess what, I got hungry again the next day. 

Just shows 

1. he felt attacked by just asking “did you eat” as if I think that was not ok. In fact I love when I don’t have to take care of food sometimes and happy he eats what he likes. 
2. immediately defending himself by blaming me for his action because of my behavior (yesterday you also didn’t cook)

Of course I didn’t say any of this salty shit, because I would just pour oil into the flames and fulfill all the allegations he had on me in our last fight, namely 

1. I would always get mad when he says something (harmless)
2. I would defend myself
3. I would try to explain everything with logical reasoning. (of course I do, I hate nonsense)
4. I just want to win the argument.

So actually it is very smart of him to manipulate the conversion like this, because it takes away any chance for me to say something, no matter what, or it will be used against me. He even used the disclaimer “I am not saying this to win the argument but….” so he can say something self righteous without being accused of being self righteous because he explained that he was not. It’s a trap lol!

Honestly I don’t know what to do about this situation. It is kind of pointless to fight. I would be the loser who always wants to win. 

But not saying anything will be held against me with the reason “I never talk about my feelings or open up”…OMG so good that I write this down, it makes sense now!

And he does ALL these things nonstop, like feeling attacked, being quiet and passive aggressive, playing mind games etc… I just can never mention it.

So today I tried to be as forthcoming as possible to smooth out the waves, and I suggested this week we’d go for dinner to the Love Shack to celebrate his new West End job. It was not met with great enthusiasm other than “sure” almost inaudibly. And then I bit myself so hard in the tongue while eating my damn hot curry, that I was bleeding in my mouth and in agony from pain. I totally lost my appetite and had to recover for a while. He didn’t even flinch. Talking about “YOU don’t have empathy” as he said in the fight. 

So I am in the bedroom writing this, which is not a bad thing, I like the me-time! It is only a bad thing for him as he used this to demonstrate he doesn’t have to follow my agenda and that I was unhappy about it and hence in the room alone. I love to be alone sometimes!

Enough of this, omg hope I never read this again it will be a pain in the ass. But good to write it off my chest as I did not tell anyone about it and carried it like a heavy burden.

I dream about my little house in Sicilia more and more each day….