Today I went to London Pride. I got dressed cute and looked fresh, ate a magic chocolate and went down to Hyde Park. On the tube I could already see a lot of rainbow people and so I just followed them.

In the beginning I was a bit confused, as the whole event didn’t have a start of finish line, people just scattered around and nothing was happening. Finally the parade made its way toward Trafalgar Square. I watched it  along Green Park, where I stopped and sat for a while next to a few older lesbians. I watched people dressed up, some cute, some messy, a lot of them freakish, marching to their own drum and living their best life. But I didn’t feel any joy, excitement or connection there. I didn’t feel special about being surrounded by thousands of gays, nor hyped by the trucks or the music, and saw barely a face that I would even wanna talk to. Besides my non connectivity to the crowd, I was there alone,  as no friend asked me to join them, and I was too embarrassed to ask.

So I ended up at the final destination, where Adam Lambert was supposed to perform. But at the square one could not even get anywhere near the stage, so I pushed my way out and went shopping instead. I passed through the streets of Chinatown and Soho, where most of the queers hung out in the streets and made London a vibrant, liberal and open city. I would have been so amazed by this even just 10 years ago, but now I have seen it  all, and the barely dressed dudes and drag queens did not raise my interest or other things. 

Could it be that I became jaded by seeing self expression everywhere? I was not dressed crazily, but wearing very short shorts and a sleeveless vest that showed my arms. Despite my efforts, nobody would even take notice of me in this sea of unicorns and self expressionists. I was just too normal. Maybe back in the days when I dressed a bit more daring in Austria or even Hong Kong, I would get some attention and feel special for a moment. Not here. 

Finally I decided to head home, smoke weed and go for a bicycle ride through Victoria Park and some quiet residential streets. Just looking at everything, feeling the smooth rolling of the bike, breathing in fresh air… felt so much more blissful. I realized that I can be satisfied or even get a dopamine kick from the simplest of things. Just walking or cycling and observing my surroundings, noticing small details. 

I guess that’s a good thing. I mean it enables me to find joy in very simple and cheap things lol. I still love some excitement like the Pink show last week or upcoming Lana Del Rey, but I am glad I can enjoy the banalities of life. Ok I also love to travel to exciting, new and far away places, not that humble. The point is I don’t regret going to the pride festival today, as I never joined it before and wanted to know what it’s like. But once I noticed it was not giving, I could have just left and enjoyed my time at home. The FOMO had kept me strolling through the streets for four hours, feeling strangely lonely among thousands of gays. I really am an introvert and loner. 

Tomorrow I will just chill by myself  

London, 01 07 2023