London, February 24, 2023

I was swept away by emotions today while watching the last episode of The Crown. Prince Charles went to Hong Kong with Britannia in 1997 to hand it back over to China. Seeing that moment and knowing its impact on the present and future of the city made it so emotional. Familiar images of my second home flashed by, conjuring feelings of longing for a time and place in a fantasy.

Just now, looking back at old Instagram videos of me on my lemon rooftop with long, wild hair and boundless ambition, I am overcome with homesickness and yearning. I looked so happy, self-sufficient, content, and confident. Now, I feel like a little bag of bones, curled up on the sofa, staring out into the cold British night.

But my big trip to Bali and my return to Hong Kong are approaching fast. The excitement and anxiety are overwhelming.

On another note, I went to barre class today. It was as intense as usual and serves as my little escape into an imagined metropolitan lifestyle—going downtown to work out with all the bankers and lawyers from Liverpool Street. Also, my body is pretty much ripped now.

Recently, we’ve had a lot of fights or just weird vibes. After returning from Morocco—oh yes, Morocco!—we had a big fight at the airport and stopped talking for a week. Since then, it has been awkward, with me walking on eggshells to avoid any blunders and contradictions.

The other day, I made a joke in the bathroom about saving our face-washing water in the sink to flush the toilet. We were high, too. He called me a hypocrite. (Weeks earlier, I had smirked and said it was cute when he wanted to use the water from his thermo bottle to water plants. He didn’t get that I was laughing at the proportion of his effort—being fine with taking three long showers a day, wasting hundreds of liters of hot water, or rinsing a single glass in the sink for two minutes, but caring about 800ml of waste water from a rubber bottle.)

Those little jabs, constantly seeking contradictions in what I say and exposing me as a fraud, make me so unhappy. I can’t fall asleep at night. Little things start to annoy me to the point of rage.

Next week, I will go to the coworking space Hanbury Hall again with my newly reunited friend Chisandra. Just to dress up, get out of the house, and pretend to live a social working life. It’s nice, though, close to all the shops on Brick Lane.

It’s almost midnight on this Friday night. Yay! At home, writing this, and then going to bed. Topo is already asleep. He woke up at six the whole week. Tomorrow, he has a lot of teaching to do. I will go out for a walk, have a coffee, find a moment, an escape…

Nacht nacht xoxo